WEBVTT

01:00:47.334 --> 01:00:50.167
(woman)
I would sit with that big,
family Bible,

01:00:50.167 --> 01:00:53.125
and I would just, you know,
be wanting an answer.

01:00:53.125 --> 01:00:53.999
Help me to know what to do.

01:00:53.999 --> 01:00:56.334
And I would sit and just open it
and, like, talking to God,

01:00:56.334 --> 01:00:58.999
and just open that up and hope
that it would open up

01:00:58.999 --> 01:01:01.459
to a page that there was gonna
be the answer

01:01:01.459 --> 01:01:05.209
to guide me
to what I was gonna do.

01:01:06.667 --> 01:01:08.876
(narrator)
My mother really tries.

01:01:08.876 --> 01:01:10.375
She\'s motivated by love.

01:01:10.375 --> 01:01:14.876
But being loved is different
than being understood.

01:01:14.876 --> 01:01:16.751
She has two gay children

01:01:16.751 --> 01:01:20.999
and often wonders if she did
anything wrong to cause it.

01:01:23.167 --> 01:01:25.417
When my young mother gathered
the courage to leave

01:01:25.417 --> 01:01:29.792
my violent, alcoholic father,
she went straight from his arms

01:01:29.792 --> 01:01:32.083
into the arms of Jesus.

01:01:32.083 --> 01:01:35.999
I found security in the cocoon
of fundamentalism.

01:01:35.999 --> 01:01:38.751
My mother and I had nothing
then.

01:01:38.751 --> 01:01:39.999
But it didn\'t matter.

01:01:39.999 --> 01:01:43.292
I had found absolute truth.

01:01:43.292 --> 01:01:48.167
Most people in my life today
don\'t know that 15 years ago,

01:01:48.167 --> 01:01:50.000
I was on the front lines of the
Moral Majority,

01:01:50.000 --> 01:01:53.959
deeply immersed in evangelical
Christianity in Florida.

01:01:53.959 --> 01:01:56.334
I signed
a True Love Waits pledge

01:01:56.334 --> 01:01:59.417
to preserve my virginity until
marriage.

01:01:59.417 --> 01:02:05.501
I built hundreds of crosses
for a campus demonstration.

01:02:05.501 --> 01:02:09.999
Got a Jesus fish
tattooed on my back.

01:02:09.999 --> 01:02:13.792
I marched against abortion.

01:02:13.792 --> 01:02:18.999
And I led Bible studies
and mission trips.

01:02:18.999 --> 01:02:21.999
When it came to homosexuality,

01:02:21.999 --> 01:02:23.459
I believed what I had been
taught.

01:02:23.459 --> 01:02:27.999
I had to love the sinner
and hate the sin.

01:02:27.999 --> 01:02:32.626
But my faith began to splinter
over time

01:02:32.626 --> 01:02:34.999
as I saw the pain of gay and
lesbian friends

01:02:34.999 --> 01:02:36.751
in conversion therapy,

01:02:36.751 --> 01:02:38.000
felt minimized as a woman

01:02:38.000 --> 01:02:41.626
and was disturbed by the
church\'s anti-Muslim sentiments

01:02:41.626 --> 01:02:43.542
in the wake of 9-11.

01:02:43.542 --> 01:02:45.999
I started asking questions,

01:02:45.999 --> 01:02:48.999
but the church\'s responses
were inadequate.

01:02:48.999 --> 01:02:54.209
Eventually, I left Florida and
didn\'t look back.

01:02:54.209 --> 01:02:56.918
I started making documentaries.

01:02:56.918 --> 01:02:59.417
I got a girlfriend.

01:02:59.417 --> 01:03:01.292
Instead of marching against
abortion,

01:03:01.292 --> 01:03:05.000
I marched against racism and
inequality.

01:03:05.000 --> 01:03:08.918
Within a few years, I was
surrounded mostly by people

01:03:08.918 --> 01:03:14.000
who had no idea about my right
wing, evangelical past.

01:03:15.792 --> 01:03:16.626
(gunshots)

01:03:16.626 --> 01:03:19.626
(man)
Oh, my God,
people are getting shot.

01:03:19.626 --> 01:03:21.209
(siren blaring)

01:03:21.209 --> 01:03:22.918
(dispatch over radio)

01:03:22.918 --> 01:03:25.999
When the shooting at Pulse
nightclub happened in Orlando,

01:03:25.999 --> 01:03:29.999
I was confronted with the world
I left behind.

01:03:35.501 --> 01:03:38.334
The night of June 12th...

01:03:38.334 --> 01:03:41.125
it was, like,
a regular night for me

01:03:41.125 --> 01:03:44.167
going to Pulse on a Latin night.

01:03:44.167 --> 01:03:47.918
I was there all night,
having a blast.

01:03:47.918 --> 01:03:50.542
I was actually at the point
where I\'m leaving,

01:03:50.542 --> 01:03:53.918
and we heard
the first two gunshots.

01:03:53.918 --> 01:03:56.542
We automatically dropped to
the floor and...

01:03:56.542 --> 01:03:59.542
someone ran in and fell in
front.

01:03:59.542 --> 01:04:01.999
He got shot in the back
by the gunman.

01:04:05.000 --> 01:04:06.999
Everyone started screaming
and begging,

01:04:06.999 --> 01:04:09.459
\"Please, please, don\'t do this,
don\'t do this.\"

01:04:09.459 --> 01:04:12.417
And he started shooting through
the stall.

01:04:12.417 --> 01:04:14.959
And that\'s when I got shot.

01:04:43.626 --> 01:04:47.584
I called my mom and dad
at that point, and I said,

01:04:47.584 --> 01:04:50.999
\"I got shot,
he shot me in the back.\"

01:04:52.042 --> 01:04:56.876
In my head, I was thinking
I need to talk to them before...

01:04:56.876 --> 01:04:58.501
I die.

01:05:00.999 --> 01:05:06.417
(Dawn)
The Pulse shooting
is so surreal.

01:05:06.417 --> 01:05:08.959
Jacob text me and said,

01:05:08.959 --> 01:05:11.584
\"I just want you to know
that I\'m okay.\"

01:05:12.083 --> 01:05:14.999
(narrator)
That\'s how my mother heard about
the shooting.

01:05:14.999 --> 01:05:16.584
My 23-year-old brother, Jake,

01:05:16.584 --> 01:05:20.167
lives with his boyfriend a few
miles from the club.

01:05:22.709 --> 01:05:24.209
(Dawn)
This is Lake County.

01:05:24.209 --> 01:05:26.584
There\'s a church on every
corner.

01:05:26.584 --> 01:05:27.999
Who do you turn to?

01:05:27.999 --> 01:05:34.999
I feel that it\'s hard to worship
when, uh, people who wouldn\'t

01:05:34.999 --> 01:05:39.417
accept the people
that I love, so...

01:05:39.417 --> 01:05:41.709
And I guess
I shouldn\'t care about them.

01:05:41.709 --> 01:05:46.042
I should just
go to worship but...

01:05:46.042 --> 01:05:48.792
Yeah.

01:05:51.999 --> 01:05:53.542
(narrator)
The church I grew up in,

01:05:53.542 --> 01:05:55.918
the one that my mom wishes
she could turn to,

01:05:55.918 --> 01:05:59.542
is not the most radical
of evangelical churches.

01:06:00.375 --> 01:06:03.000
They preach
a tolerance of LGBT folks

01:06:03.000 --> 01:06:05.375
that rejects us with open arms.

01:06:05.375 --> 01:06:06.999
(music playing)

01:06:06.999 --> 01:06:10.999
♪ My heart is Yours ♪

01:06:10.999 --> 01:06:14.542
♪ My heart is Yours ♪

01:06:14.542 --> 01:06:17.250
♪ Take it all, take it all... ♪

01:06:17.250 --> 01:06:21.042
(narrator)
That\'s how I found myself
sitting in my old church pew

01:06:21.042 --> 01:06:24.999
on my 34th birthday in what felt
like a time capsule.

01:06:24.999 --> 01:06:27.999
Back to a world of absolute
truth

01:06:27.999 --> 01:06:29.209
preached by straight, white men.

01:06:29.209 --> 01:06:32.999
Nothing that is untrue will
ever come from God.

01:06:32.999 --> 01:06:34.667
Because God is absolute truth.

01:06:34.667 --> 01:06:36.334
The power
of Satan is deception.

01:06:36.334 --> 01:06:39.417
We redefine things.
We redefined marriage.

01:06:39.417 --> 01:06:40.876
We redefine family.

01:06:40.876 --> 01:06:42.584
We redefine what tolerance is,

01:06:42.584 --> 01:06:44.709
and all these different things.
Why?

01:06:44.709 --> 01:06:46.999
Being confident in the ways of
the world.

01:06:46.999 --> 01:06:50.375
And we\'ve gotta recognize
what truth really is.

01:06:50.375 --> 01:06:54.417
(narrator)
Brent was a few years ahead of
me in youth group.

01:06:54.417 --> 01:06:56.167
I used to look up to him.

01:06:56.167 --> 01:06:59.459
I haven\'t spoken to him
in almost 20 years.

01:06:59.459 --> 01:07:00.999
But I remember him as a leader,

01:07:00.999 --> 01:07:03.667
and I\'m curious if he\'s thinking
about the connection

01:07:03.667 --> 01:07:05.000
between what his church teaches

01:07:05.000 --> 01:07:09.751
and the violence against
LGBT folks in the community.

01:07:09.751 --> 01:07:12.999
I never even heard of Pulse
before, but understanding

01:07:12.999 --> 01:07:16.959
from what people told me, uh,
they said it was, um, a place

01:07:16.959 --> 01:07:19.501
that frequently was used
by homosexual people,

01:07:19.501 --> 01:07:22.751
um, transgender,
things of that nature.

01:07:23.999 --> 01:07:25.459
The question often comes up,

01:07:25.459 --> 01:07:29.792
how do we handle that situation
of gay and lesbian lifestyle,

01:07:29.792 --> 01:07:32.375
transgender lifestyle from a
church\'s standpoint,

01:07:32.375 --> 01:07:34.375
from a church leadership
standpoint?

01:07:34.375 --> 01:07:37.626
We always answer the question,
what does the Bible say?

01:07:37.626 --> 01:07:40.792
A person who is living
a homosexual lifestyle

01:07:40.792 --> 01:07:44.959
in our eyes is not honoring God
just as much as a person

01:07:44.959 --> 01:07:51.876
who is a habitual liar
or a habitual alcoholic or, um,

01:07:51.876 --> 01:07:55.375
a person who abuses his wife or
abuses his kids.

01:07:55.375 --> 01:07:57.042
(narrator)
I\'m a lesbian.
Mm-hmm.

01:07:57.042 --> 01:07:59.167
You might not
know that about me.

01:07:59.167 --> 01:07:59.999
Unh-unh, unh-unh.

01:07:59.999 --> 01:08:02.792
Um, and I used
to go to church here.

01:08:02.792 --> 01:08:04.000
And what if I wanted to come
back

01:08:04.000 --> 01:08:05.584
and be a part of the church
family?
Mm-hmm.

01:08:05.584 --> 01:08:08.834
For us, if you were to come here
and be part of the church

01:08:08.834 --> 01:08:09.999
or wanna be part of the church
family,

01:08:09.999 --> 01:08:11.999
I would have that discussion
with you just the same way

01:08:11.999 --> 01:08:15.125
I have that discussion with
someone who has a past

01:08:15.125 --> 01:08:16.999
that deals with something that\'s
criminal

01:08:16.999 --> 01:08:17.918
or things of that nature.

01:08:17.918 --> 01:08:20.999
We would, we would address that
and we\'d talk about it openly.

01:08:20.999 --> 01:08:24.876
And we have to love the sinner
and hate the sin.

01:08:24.876 --> 01:08:27.959
(narrator)
How do we know that it\'s not one
of those lies

01:08:27.959 --> 01:08:31.334
that we might look back
in 25 years and be, like,

01:08:31.334 --> 01:08:32.751
we used to think that.

01:08:32.751 --> 01:08:34.042
Right, right, right.

01:08:34.042 --> 01:08:36.876
(exhales, clears throat)

01:08:39.959 --> 01:08:42.417
With any kind of human
interpretation,

01:08:42.417 --> 01:08:43.918
there\'s always room for error.

01:08:43.918 --> 01:08:47.999
Is it possible that we could
look at this in 30 years and go,

01:08:47.999 --> 01:08:49.751
\"Man, we missed this?\"

01:08:49.751 --> 01:08:50.999
Yes, that\'s possible.

01:08:50.999 --> 01:08:52.667
But we also look at the context
behind it.

01:08:52.667 --> 01:08:57.000
And it\'s one of those moral
things that we feel, um,

01:08:57.000 --> 01:08:58.000
is a timeless thing that--

01:08:58.000 --> 01:08:59.999
Yes, it was, it was
in the Old Testament,

01:08:59.999 --> 01:09:02.375
but it\'s also echoed
the New Testament as well.

01:09:02.375 --> 01:09:07.501
(narrator)
I had hoped to hear something
a little more like this.

01:09:07.834 --> 01:09:09.083
We have several
gay and lesbian--

01:09:09.083 --> 01:09:12.584
Here at Lake Eustis--
Love is love is love is love.

01:09:12.584 --> 01:09:16.999
(narrator)
But, okay...
Enough of the fantasy.

01:09:17.918 --> 01:09:20.999
I want to dismiss his beliefs as
backward and irrelevant.

01:09:20.999 --> 01:09:24.000
But in the wake of Pulse,
they hold new weight.

01:09:24.000 --> 01:09:26.999
I feel like there\'s a connection
between these views

01:09:26.999 --> 01:09:31.083
and the violence
queer people face.

01:09:32.918 --> 01:09:36.999
(man)
The very essence of what you\'re
examining now

01:09:36.999 --> 01:09:39.999
is the redefinition
of our community.

01:09:39.999 --> 01:09:44.334
(narrator)
Joel Hunter, the evangelical
mega church pastor,

01:09:44.334 --> 01:09:47.083
who in the immediate
aftermath of Pulse

01:09:47.083 --> 01:09:48.167
said he needs to go back

01:09:48.167 --> 01:09:52.417
and reexamine
his heart on LGBT issues.

01:09:52.417 --> 01:09:55.918
(Joel Hunter)
There\'s some things that happen,

01:09:55.918 --> 01:09:57.999
and they make you think.

01:09:57.999 --> 01:10:02.999
There\'s some things that happen
and they make you change.

01:10:02.999 --> 01:10:08.876
And this would be...
um... one of those.

01:10:08.876 --> 01:10:11.209
And I knew it immediately.

01:10:12.999 --> 01:10:17.334
I think all of us now, um,
are realizing

01:10:17.334 --> 01:10:22.792
what a cold and dead term
tolerance is, you know?

01:10:22.792 --> 01:10:28.292
How... how almost cruel
that term

01:10:28.292 --> 01:10:33.999
that used to seem, um,
like it was compassionate...

01:10:33.999 --> 01:10:34.999
(chuckling)

01:10:34.999 --> 01:10:40.501
is now, um...
you know, dismissive.

01:10:40.501 --> 01:10:45.125
People always wanna solve
everything right away.

01:10:45.125 --> 01:10:48.999
And we\'ve gotta live in the
ambivalence for a while.

01:10:48.999 --> 01:10:54.792
We can have a significant impact
on this community,

01:10:54.792 --> 01:10:56.834
even nationally,
if there are people

01:10:56.834 --> 01:11:01.999
who have either
been ignorant, um,

01:11:01.999 --> 01:11:05.999
or preoccupied or unwilling,

01:11:05.999 --> 01:11:10.999
um, to do the work to reexamine
their own lives

01:11:10.999 --> 01:11:13.083
and their own prejudices, um...

01:11:13.083 --> 01:11:16.792
And, and I think we\'re, we\'re
set-up for that right now.

01:11:16.792 --> 01:11:19.999
But it\'ll have to come from
people like me

01:11:19.999 --> 01:11:26.999
who, um, said-- who say,
\"I\'m the problem.\"

01:11:27.375 --> 01:11:29.334
(narrator)
After the conversation with
Brent,

01:11:29.334 --> 01:11:33.000
I\'m moved to see Joel grappling
with these questions.

01:11:33.000 --> 01:11:34.292
His willingness to really sit

01:11:34.292 --> 01:11:37.167
with the discomfort
of change gives me hope.

01:11:37.167 --> 01:11:39.250
But it feels like a very small
step

01:11:39.250 --> 01:11:42.584
in the miles evangelical
Christians need to travel

01:11:42.584 --> 01:11:46.834
for queer folks to be treated
with real dignity.

01:12:26.626 --> 01:12:31.999
A few weeks ago, I did an
interview with a woman

01:12:31.999 --> 01:12:33.125
who\'s doing a documentary.

01:12:33.125 --> 01:12:35.999
She called and, and, and she\'s
doing a documentary

01:12:35.999 --> 01:12:38.959
on the Pulse shootings and,
uh...

01:12:38.959 --> 01:12:41.042
You know, ahead of time,
\"Part of the gay community.

01:12:41.042 --> 01:12:43.209
I\'m a lesbian...\"
Great.

01:12:43.209 --> 01:12:46.999
And then she said...

01:12:46.999 --> 01:12:48.209
something to the effect...

01:12:48.209 --> 01:12:50.417
Are gay people
welcome at your church?

01:12:50.417 --> 01:12:53.999
I was a little rocked back.
I said, \"Well, I sure hope so.\"

01:12:53.999 --> 01:12:56.751
I want you to feel welcome in
our church.

01:12:56.751 --> 01:12:59.334
And she said something that kind
of rocked me back.

01:12:59.334 --> 01:13:03.292
It\'s not about if I feel
comfortable at your church

01:13:03.292 --> 01:13:05.209
or welcome at your church.

01:13:05.209 --> 01:13:13.042
It\'s about if the one I love
feels welcome at your church.

01:13:13.042 --> 01:13:17.584
If love didn\'t
come just like we are,

01:13:17.584 --> 01:13:20.834
none of us would be in--
watch this--

01:13:20.834 --> 01:13:24.375
not just in with God,
but in with each other.

01:13:24.375 --> 01:13:28.083
You got a blank sheet here
from now on.

01:13:28.083 --> 01:13:30.667
The whole future\'s blank.

01:13:30.667 --> 01:13:32.876
Where are you gonna start?

01:13:32.876 --> 01:13:34.959
Pray with me.

01:13:34.959 --> 01:13:40.999
We can\'t anticipate
who you will give us to love.

01:13:40.999 --> 01:13:43.834
But we know that you love them.

01:13:43.834 --> 01:13:48.709
And if they\'re good enough for
you, they\'re good enough for us.

01:13:51.999 --> 01:13:54.999
(narrator)
I can see how Joel\'s sermon
is a light for my mom

01:13:54.999 --> 01:13:58.250
in what has been a painful path
as a mother of two gay children

01:13:58.250 --> 01:14:00.918
who wants to have a relationship
with Jesus

01:14:00.918 --> 01:14:03.999
with her fellow Christians
and with her kids.

01:14:03.999 --> 01:14:09.375
For me, it\'s a hard reminder
that real change is incremental.

01:14:09.375 --> 01:14:11.999
It takes time.

01:14:11.999 --> 01:14:16.125
But time feels like
a luxury we don\'t have.

01:14:23.709 --> 01:14:26.999
I\'m back at home in New York,
and I can\'t stop thinking about

01:14:26.999 --> 01:14:32.959
the kind of relationships
necessary for real change.

01:14:34.584 --> 01:14:37.709
These initial conversations
aren\'t enough, but...

01:14:37.709 --> 01:14:40.584
do I have what it takes
to stop running from my past

01:14:40.584 --> 01:14:45.959
and challenge the homophobia
I used to embrace?

01:14:45.959 --> 01:14:49.999
Honestly, I really don\'t know.

01:14:51.042 --> 01:14:55.667
But I can no longer
afford to ignore it.