WEBVTT

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Our mission school is at the foot

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of lovely Uganda mountains,

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and is a resting place for travelers,

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classrooms in daylight,

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a hotel when the sun sets.

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The Americans cannot understand my humility,

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I bring them clean sheets and towels

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and return their too much money and candid smiles.

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The Germans are very different.

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They do not offer money, but praise.

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The sight of me strikes their sentimentality,

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and as I am unalterably rooted in native ground,

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they consider me a work of primitive art

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housed in a magical color,

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the incarnation of civilization, anti-heathenism,

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and the fruit of a triumphing idea.

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They are coolly passionate,

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and smile at me lecherously

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with speculative crystal eyes of bright, historical blue.

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The French find me charmant,

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and would like to paint a picture.

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The Italians, used as they are to the habit,

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concern themselves with the giant cockroaches

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in the latrines,

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and give me hardly a glance,

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except in reproach for them.

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I am, perhaps, as I should be.

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Gloria Deum.

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Gloria in excelsis Deo.

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I am a wife of Christ,

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a wife of the Catholic Church,

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the wife of a celibate martyr and saint.

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The question is in the eyes of all who come here.

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Why are you, so young, so beautiful, a nun?

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I was born in this township,

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a village civilized by American missionaries.

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All my life, I have lived here

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within walking distance of the Ruwenzori Mountains.

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(people chanting in foreign language)

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When I was younger,

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in a bright blue school uniform and bare feet,

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I came every day to the mission school.

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\"Good morning,\' I chanted to the people I met,

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but especially to the nuns and priests

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who taught at my school.

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I did not know then that they could not have children.

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They seemed so productive and full of intense, regal life.

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I wanted to be like them,

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and now I am,

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shrouded in whiteness

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like the mountains I see from my window.

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(people chanting in foreign language)

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At 20, I earned the right to wear this dress,

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never to be without it,

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always to bathe myself in cold water, even in winter,

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and wear my mission-cropped hair well covered.

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(people chanting in foreign language)

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(people clapping rhythmically)

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Boys I knew as a child are kind to me now, and gentle,

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and I see them married, and kiss their children,

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each one of them so much what our Lord wanted.

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We have not yet been so lucky,

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and we never shall.

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(people chanting in foreign language)

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(people clapping rhythmically)

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(drums beating)

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At night, I sit in my room until seven,

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then I go obediently to bed.
(drums beating)

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Through the windows, I can hear the drums,

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smell the roasting goat\'s meat,

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feel the rhythm of the festive chants,

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and I sing my own chant in response to theirs.

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My chant is less old than theirs.

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They do not know this.

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They do not even care.

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Do I care?
(drums beating)

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Must I still long to be within the black circle

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around the red, glowing fire

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to feel the breath of love hot against my cheeks,

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smell the love strong about my waiting thighs?

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Must I still tremble at the passions

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stifled beneath this voluminous, rustling snow.

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(drums beating)

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How long must I sit by my window

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before I lure you down from the sky,

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pale lover, who never knew the dance

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and could not do it.

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I bear your colors, I am your livery, I belong to you.

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Will you not come down and take me?

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Or are you even less passionate

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than your father who took but could not show his face?

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(drums beating)

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Now they will be breaking out the wine,

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cutting the goats meat into sinewy strips.

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Teeth will clutch it, wring it,

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cruel, greedy, greasy lips will curl over it

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in an ecstasy which has never ceased

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wherever there were goats and men.

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(drums beating)

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Wine will be hot from the fire.

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It will cut through the obscene clutter on those lips

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and turn them from their goat\'s meat to that other.

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(drums beating)

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A young girl will come to the circle.

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Hidden in black, she will not speak to anyone.

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She will begin the dance,

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every eye following the blue flashes

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of her oiled, slippery body,

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every heart pounding to the flat clacks of her dusty feet.

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Her eyes are leveled at her lover, one of the crowd.

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He will dance with her.

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The tempo will increase.

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All the crowd can see the weakening of her knees,

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can feel in their own loins

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the loosening of her rolling thighs.

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The lover makes her wait until she\'s in a frenzy,

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tearing off her clothes

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and snatching at the narrow cloth he wears.

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Eyes of the crowd are forgotten.

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The final taking is unbearable

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as they rock through the oldest dance.

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(drums beating)

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Our Father which art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name,

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Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth,

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and in heaven,

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would the ecstasy be quite as fierce and sweet?

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\"Sweet sister,\" they will say,

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have we not yet made a convert of you?\"

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What must I answer my husband?

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To say the truth would mean oblivion,

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to be forgotten for another thousand years.

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Still, perhaps I shall answer this to him who took me:

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\"Dearly beloved, let me tell you

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about the mountains and the spring.

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The mountains that we see around us are black.

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It is the snow that gives them their icy whiteness.

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What have I or my mountains to do with a childless marriage,

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or with eyes that can only see the snow,

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or with you, or friends of yours

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who do not believe that you are really dead,

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pious faithful who do not yet realize

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that barrenness is death?

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Or perhaps I might say, \'Leave me alone,

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I will do your work.\'

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Or what is more likely, I will say nothing of the melancholy

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at your lack of faith in the spring,

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for what is my faith in the spring

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and the eternal melting of snows, you will ask,

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but your belief in the Resurrection?

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Could I convince one so wise

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that my belief bears more fruit?\"

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(drums beating)

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How to teach a barren world to dance.

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It is a contradiction that divides the world.

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My mouth must be silent, then,

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though my heart jumps to the booming of the drums,

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as to the last strong pulse of life in a dying world.

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But the drums will soon, one day, be silent.

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I will help muffle them forever.

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To assure life for my people in this world,

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I must be among the lying ones

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and teach them how to die.

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I will turn their dances into prayers to an empty sky,

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and their lovers into dead men,

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and their babies into unsung chants

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that choke their throats each spring.

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In this way will the wife

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of a loveless, barren, hopeless Western marriage

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broadcast the joys of an enlightened religion

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to an imaginative people.

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I am perhaps as I should be.

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Gloria Deum.

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Gloria in excelsis Deo.

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(drums beating)
(people chanting)

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(drums beating)
(people chanting)

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(drums beating)
(people chanting)

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(drums beating)
(people chanting)

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(drums beating)
(people chanting)