WEBVTT

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All I can look for is an image.

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An image where you can find me.

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All I can look for is the tone,

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a different tone,

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but this is what comes out.

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Cuba, how beautiful is Cuba,
who defends it loves it more.

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How beautiful is Cuba.

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I need you back in my life.

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I\'ve been days, weeks, since
I\'m trying to give you an answer,

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but after what I did
I just can\'t deny you anything.

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It\'s been so long that I don\'t know
where to start from.

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Dear passengers,
we\'ll be landing soon.

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Cubana de aviación and its crew

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whishes you a good stay.

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Next station, Sol.

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I\'m afraid that I have become

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such a different woman
than the one you knew,

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afraid of not being able
to help you,

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afraid that you feel we have
too little in common now.

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I\'m so glad you have broken
this long silence.

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I\'ve watched your video letter
plenty of times.

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I wanted to give you a prompt reply,

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but behind this current pale face
there\'s the same old perfectionist.

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You know it takes time for me
to find the way, to produce the images.

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I want to rebuild the situations
so you can imagine me.

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I don\'t know how we\'ve managed

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to live apart from each other
for the last 15 years.

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I\'ve tried, trust me
I have tried to forget you,

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but how can I give up
on the person who\'s known me best,

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who\'s been with me in every illusion,
sleepless night and adventure.

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You were the girl who,
when we were 7,

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jumped into the pool to save me,
when I didn\'t know yet how to swim.

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And you were also the friend who,
in one of our nights of conversation,

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inspired me the naive idea
of marrying our children

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so that we could have
a common grandchild.

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I even asked that to life
so that nothing,

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not even the old-age deliriums,
would tear us apart.

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How could you destroy
that much beauty?

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How did you not realize
how privileged we were when we met?

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Only you can help me.

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I\'m sure you will know
where to start from.

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IN A WHISPER

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I\'m looking through the videos
of our last days together.

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The back is unfocused because
we have some windows in front.

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I\'m trying to find a gesture, a look,

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a phrase that gives me away
or gives you a clue.

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What would I be telling you here?

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I don\'t know how could I
talk to you about other things,

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pretending nothing would change,

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that I would be back soon
and we would end this movie together.

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Camera ready?
-Rolling!

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The only hint I can find
is my decision

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to tell the story of a woman
refusing to leave the house.

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Didn\'t that gaze,

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that breaking body,

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tell you anything about me?

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How difficult it is to know
what\'s in the mind of the others,

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what they are scheming.

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That day someone rang
to the shooting.

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The Dutch Embassy was inviting
one of us to Amsterdam

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to represent the new Cuban cinema
with our short films.

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They wanted to talk
to either you or me,

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but I did answer.

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I had been feeling stuck in Cuba
for really long time.

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We were finally making films,

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but I was suffocated
by censorship and absurd obstacles.

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The future seemed too limited,
claustrophobic,

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too predictable.

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You had a different perspective:

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remaining in Cuba was the only way
to make things change.

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I had completely lost my faith.

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I\'m sorry.

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For the first time
I only thought about myself.

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That trip was the only chance
to leave the country

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and I couldn\'t miss it.

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I remember exactly
what you were telling me here:

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\"Patri, I want you to bring me

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images of snow from your trip.\"

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I\'ve waited for years
to hear from you.

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Questioning you, justifying you,

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hating you, missing you,

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going through all of those stages
once and again.

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Why didn\'t you ever write to me?

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Things in Cuba only got worse.

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I believed that our generation
should carry the country forward,

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but I had to accept that no one

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wanted to sacrifice anymore.

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People needed to leave
to live a normal life.

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I couldn\'t but face
the shipwreck had occurred.

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With the years, it was harder
to see how youth passed by

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looking for bread, oil,
eggs, meat, condoms, gasoline.

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Nothing new.

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We\'ve grown up with precariousness
since we were young,

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but it\'s not the same
to face it with a dream

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than without anything to hold on to.

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In all these years, the values
we grew up with kept coming down

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and so did
our childhood swimming pool.

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You had seen it coming.

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But I never thought you would stay
in another country for good

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knowing the consequences
of such a decision.

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You wouldn\'t be allowed
to come back in 5 years

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and then you would only be allowed
to visit your own country for 20 days.

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Like a tourist.

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It was such a high price to pay.

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After you left the city got empty,

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like a body bleeding out
drop by drop.

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Jose, David, Mairim,

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my mum, Lucía, Alexander, Claudio,

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Zaira, Kiko...

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And I could go on forever.

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Being behind the camera
was my way of dealing with reality.

00:17:56.600 --> 00:17:59.320
I spent 12 years
fully focused on work.

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Filming filled
every single space in my life,

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and the camera and I became one.

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I was bouncing between projects
until it was my time to leave.

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It was thanks to my husband,
but that\'s another story.

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I saved in boxes
all the important things

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that wouldn\'t fit
in a 23-kilogram suitcase.

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Letters from old lovers,

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others from friends
that left before I did,

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my cassette collection
that helped me survive reggaeton,

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my notes,

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so many things and memories
that make me who I am.

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I deeply wished
not to lose too many years

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before seeing that expression again,

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that smile

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or that gaze that had
accompanied me for decades,

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which I couldn\'t say goodbye to
without crying.

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So I also jumped into the void.

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I arrived in Geneva three years ago.

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It\'s unbelievable how much a new
environment affects self-confidence.

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As familiar things disappear,

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I also disappear with them.

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Here I feel like a blank page.

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When I knew you were so close,
I felt the impulse to visit you.

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But it would have been rushed,

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I know.

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I\'ve been living in Finisterre
for a while.

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I got here by chance, but the sea
and quietness captivated me.

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The only thing that comes up
to fill in the emptiness I caused

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is sharing my days without you.

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I hope this can make it up to you,
at least a little bit.

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I\'ve been reading my diaries,

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but I never referred
to my arrival in Amsterdam.

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I usually write
in the most unexpected moments.

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It\'s more related
to the chance I find to write

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than the relevance
of the event itself.

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FIRST IMPRESSIONS

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I try to remember
the first sensations.

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The cold.

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It felt so nice when my skin
first met the cold;

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my skin, exhausted from
the eternal Caribbean summer.

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Everything is made of wood.
Amazing!

00:23:05.560 --> 00:23:07.400
And the silence.

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It seemed that life elapsed
at 9 decibels below compared with Cuba.

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I was 24.

00:23:39.680 --> 00:23:43.200
A brand new universe
unfolded before my eyes.

00:23:49.720 --> 00:23:51.760
I was hypnotized.

00:23:52.880 --> 00:23:56.760
I could guess from those faces
a lot of different paths to explore;

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a mix of lives built
from the free choice and will.

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I was alone for the first time,

00:25:01.160 --> 00:25:03.560
surrounded by people
who didn\'t know me

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so I could invent
anything on my past.

00:25:07.400 --> 00:25:10.280
I wasn\'t able
to predict the consequences.

00:25:13.440 --> 00:25:17.040
I phoned my cousin and told her
I didn\'t want to go back.

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She was living in Tafalla,
in the North of Spain.

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She left her son with her neighbor
and came for me as soon as she could.

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I waited until the early hours

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to escape the person in charge
of our return to Cuba.

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I left the hostal room in pajamas,

00:25:33.040 --> 00:25:34.920
snuck out through the stairs,

00:25:34.960 --> 00:25:38.000
opened the door
and got in my cousin\'s car.

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How\'s everything?
Did he fall asleep?

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Don\'t worry, I\'m coming tomorrow.

00:26:13.720 --> 00:26:16.240
We both will be there to kiss him.

00:26:17.240 --> 00:26:18.960
What did you have for dinner?

00:26:20.040 --> 00:26:23.160
We traveled non-stop
for nearly 1.500 kilometers,

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adrenaline had made us lose sleep.

00:26:26.080 --> 00:26:28.120
I went across the Europe
from Van Der Keuken

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and Agnes Vardá\'s movies
that we both imagined that many times.

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Thinking of them
was a temporary relief from fear.

00:26:34.560 --> 00:26:36.800
Because anxiety
would quickly reappear;

00:26:36.840 --> 00:26:40.360
after every turn,
any car that passed slowly by us,

00:26:40.440 --> 00:26:42.440
every new border.

00:26:46.240 --> 00:26:49.240
Patri, we\'re crossing it.
I can\'t believe it!

00:26:49.280 --> 00:26:51.440
WELCOME TO SPAIN

00:27:03.480 --> 00:27:06.360
I\'ve never felt
that feeling of lightness again

00:27:06.480 --> 00:27:08.920
where fears and regret don\'t exist.

00:27:09.880 --> 00:27:11.920
I don\'t know how long it lasted.

00:27:12.240 --> 00:27:15.120
A minute, maybe three.

00:27:46.000 --> 00:27:48.800
This is the snow
that I recorded for you,

00:27:48.840 --> 00:27:51.960
but it is also the first instant
of consciousness:

00:27:52.080 --> 00:27:54.000
there was no way back.

00:27:54.800 --> 00:27:58.640
The plane back to Cuba
would take off in less than 2 hours.

00:28:17.080 --> 00:28:21.000
Someone once said they spotted
you down the street in Madrid,

00:28:21.160 --> 00:28:23.200
but I didn\'t know anything else.

00:28:23.960 --> 00:28:27.520
I love when you share with me
everything that has changed you

00:28:27.560 --> 00:28:30.120
into that woman you say
you\'ve become.

00:28:32.120 --> 00:28:33.680
If you make me choose today

00:28:34.320 --> 00:28:36.480
I\'d rather melted snow,

00:28:36.760 --> 00:28:39.240
alive, flowing.

00:28:40.440 --> 00:28:44.440
There are two rivers in Geneva:
the Arve and the Rhone.

00:28:44.440 --> 00:28:47.280
The former is brown
and the latter is blue,

00:28:47.320 --> 00:28:50.080
with bit of imagination,
almost like the sea.

00:28:50.120 --> 00:28:51.840
That\'s why I like it better,

00:28:51.880 --> 00:28:55.000
because I find it difficult to escape
from the comfort of the familiar.

00:28:57.520 --> 00:28:59.560
I never thought that snow and cold,

00:28:59.600 --> 00:29:02.440
once the fascination
for the exotic has passed,

00:29:02.480 --> 00:29:04.760
could become annoying.

00:29:05.200 --> 00:29:09.120
Something similar to when people
imagine a tropical beach at sunset

00:29:09.160 --> 00:29:14.040
and once they get there they realize
they\'ve never thought of mosquitoes,

00:29:14.080 --> 00:29:16.680
which are also
part of the landscape.

00:29:19.480 --> 00:29:22.320
Starting from scratch
has been difficult for me,

00:29:22.400 --> 00:29:25.640
unlearning the good
and the bad things I bring with me

00:29:25.680 --> 00:29:27.760
in a useless attempt to fit in,

00:29:27.800 --> 00:29:30.920
to adapt to new codes
that are strange to me.

00:29:30.960 --> 00:29:35.200
His work deals with the matter of perception.

00:29:35.640 --> 00:29:37.360
Markus Raetz suggests

00:29:37.520 --> 00:29:41.840
two different visions \"YES\" or \"NO\"

00:29:42.200 --> 00:29:44.760
depending on how we are located.

00:29:44.920 --> 00:29:48.160
An invitation to read the world

00:29:48.240 --> 00:29:50.880
from different points of view.

00:29:52.760 --> 00:29:54.600
My look always gives me away,

00:29:54.720 --> 00:29:57.720
staring at the eyes
more than I should;

00:29:57.880 --> 00:30:02.880
my hands, touching people and creating
an uncomfortable sense of proximity,

00:30:02.960 --> 00:30:04.840
which makes me aware of my gesture;

00:30:06.040 --> 00:30:09.400
my difference that can be noticed
time after time.

00:30:09.760 --> 00:30:11.560
NO

00:30:15.720 --> 00:30:19.720
We\'ve met in Cuba
such spontaneity in relationships,

00:30:20.320 --> 00:30:22.920
such an optimistic way
to face the day

00:30:23.200 --> 00:30:26.840
that I feel disoriented
when I can\'t find them here.

00:30:35.280 --> 00:30:39.000
To me, this country is
like a book without its binding,

00:30:39.040 --> 00:30:41.720
which pages
fly freely with the wind.

00:30:43.440 --> 00:30:46.240
I run and catch them randomly,

00:30:46.560 --> 00:30:51.040
and although I understand the words,
I don\'t understand the story.

00:30:52.040 --> 00:30:55.120
And running to see what I can catch,

00:30:55.280 --> 00:30:57.960
my days become an agonizing race.

00:30:58.200 --> 00:31:02.240
I run to work appointments,
I run to do the shopping;

00:31:02.440 --> 00:31:06.080
and as I run I find out
about the natural and social disasters.

00:31:07.160 --> 00:31:09.000
I feel that if I don\'t run,

00:31:09.040 --> 00:31:12.160
I won\'t bridge the gap
that separates me from those

00:31:12.200 --> 00:31:14.360
who have been here all their lives.

00:31:30.120 --> 00:31:33.000
This is the first time you come isn\'t it?

00:31:33.200 --> 00:31:36.000
The second time. I came 6 six months ago.

00:31:37.200 --> 00:31:38.840
Six and a half.

00:31:40.880 --> 00:31:42.680
How was the filming?

00:31:43.040 --> 00:31:44.720
Very good.

00:31:44.760 --> 00:31:48.600
The only problem is that this camera is not luminous \"enoug\".

00:31:48.680 --> 00:31:50.800
\"Enough\". -That\'s right.

00:31:50.880 --> 00:31:53.240
And when filming in places with little light...

00:31:53.280 --> 00:31:55.720
Were you the director of photography? -Yes.

00:31:55.760 --> 00:31:57.960
I thought you were the assistant.

00:31:58.400 --> 00:32:00.320
In this case I did both things.

00:32:00.480 --> 00:32:02.880
It\'s a school short film

00:32:03.520 --> 00:32:06.480
so the budget was not \"enough\".

00:32:39.400 --> 00:32:40.360
Cutie.

00:32:41.520 --> 00:32:43.600
Are you making tostones?
-Yes.

00:32:43.840 --> 00:32:45.280
Delicious.

00:32:45.600 --> 00:32:48.920
I really wanted to get home
to listen to this song with you.

00:32:49.280 --> 00:32:50.560
Play it.

00:33:26.640 --> 00:33:30.160
At home, we often spend our days
in an endless dance.

00:33:30.440 --> 00:33:32.920
That\'s the only antidote
to nostalgia.

00:33:33.720 --> 00:33:36.920
Only then we don\'t feel
the pain of the family,

00:33:37.440 --> 00:33:40.800
the friends we left there,
the life left behind.

00:34:12.880 --> 00:34:17.480
I try to find a word to relieve you,
but only rage comes out.

00:34:19.120 --> 00:34:22.080
I hate that we have
to rush out of our country

00:34:22.120 --> 00:34:24.120
just to find immediacy.

00:34:25.880 --> 00:34:29.360
These last couple of weeks,
while waiting for your video letter

00:34:29.400 --> 00:34:31.520
I started a new one for you.

00:34:31.840 --> 00:34:33.240
I need to fill in every crack

00:34:33.280 --> 00:34:35.400
so that you can have
the complete picture.

00:34:35.880 --> 00:34:39.040
I look through the videos
I shot when I arrived in Spain

00:34:39.080 --> 00:34:41.560
and I don\'t recognise
myself in them.

00:34:41.680 --> 00:34:43.800
I see myself so lost.

00:34:44.000 --> 00:34:47.360
I\'m aware I decided
to enter Spain illegally,

00:34:47.520 --> 00:34:50.520
but I don\'t remember
choosing much more.

00:35:06.120 --> 00:35:09.760
I pick up the story in Tafalla,
where my cousin lived.

00:35:14.360 --> 00:35:18.120
I shot these images
when I first walked into a supermarket.

00:35:18.120 --> 00:35:22.320
I thought of you, being so happy
in front of that many chocolates.

00:35:23.560 --> 00:35:26.880
I remember asking my cousin
if that supermarket was state-owned.

00:35:26.920 --> 00:35:30.920
She started laughing
with her loud and endless laughter.

00:35:31.800 --> 00:35:34.720
We comunicate from the parrish

00:35:34.960 --> 00:35:37.800
that today\'s eucharist...
-Asshole!

00:35:38.000 --> 00:35:42.480
...will be taking place at 7 o\'clock
at the village\'s chapel.

00:35:43.520 --> 00:35:46.560
We repeat from the parrish...

00:35:46.800 --> 00:35:48.040
Just shut up!

00:35:48.120 --> 00:35:51.040
Shortly after arriving,
I felt like leaving.

00:35:54.320 --> 00:35:56.280
I had three reasons to leave.

00:35:56.920 --> 00:35:59.800
Firstly:
I was eager to live in a big city.

00:36:00.480 --> 00:36:03.800
Secondly: I didn\'t want
to be a burden for my cousin.

00:36:04.200 --> 00:36:08.160
The third one is difficult to
explain but you\'ll understand.

00:36:08.320 --> 00:36:10.600
In Cuba I conformed
to the personality

00:36:10.640 --> 00:36:12.920
that family and friends
had created of me:

00:36:12.960 --> 00:36:14.960
fragile, sensitive, naive.

00:36:15.800 --> 00:36:18.600
I could only discover
a different woman in me

00:36:18.640 --> 00:36:20.680
before the eyes of strangers.

00:36:21.040 --> 00:36:24.200
My cousin lent me some money
and I moved to Madrid.

00:36:36.000 --> 00:36:37.920
It looks like water, right?

00:36:43.920 --> 00:36:45.520
Snow in Gran Vía.

00:36:54.880 --> 00:36:59.560
Quickly the glare turned into doubt
and doubt into anxiety.

00:37:00.240 --> 00:37:03.320
I was thinking too much in Cuba,
in our friends

00:37:03.560 --> 00:37:06.240
and in all the projects
we wouldn\'t do together anymore.

00:37:06.440 --> 00:37:09.360
But in order to move on
I had to get rid of nostalgia.

00:37:09.760 --> 00:37:12.960
I wasn\'t allowed to return to Cuba
and I was in Spain illegally,

00:37:13.000 --> 00:37:14.560
so I couldn\'t get hired.

00:37:14.680 --> 00:37:17.520
I was only finding temporary jobs,
illegal and underpaid.

00:37:18.280 --> 00:37:22.040
I worked as a substitute lifeguard,
phone line seller,

00:37:22.760 --> 00:37:25.640
carer for the elderly,
for dogs, kids,

00:37:26.640 --> 00:37:28.560
waiter in dive bars.

00:37:29.120 --> 00:37:33.440
What actually saved me was to imagine
a movie out of every experience.

00:37:33.560 --> 00:37:35.960
Thousands of stories left unfinished

00:37:36.000 --> 00:37:39.160
because I had a hard time
combining instability with creativity,

00:37:39.200 --> 00:37:41.800
but they helped me live more
lightly.

00:37:50.480 --> 00:37:53.240
I had completely forgotten
these images.

00:37:53.800 --> 00:37:56.560
I don\'t know why I dressed that way.

00:37:56.600 --> 00:37:58.640
Maybe I just wanted some attention.

00:37:59.800 --> 00:38:02.840
I was invisible in Madrid,
I didn\'t exist.

00:38:04.040 --> 00:38:07.000
Being illegal
was a very weird sensation.

00:38:07.240 --> 00:38:10.640
The worst thing was not the fear
to be asked for my documents.

00:38:10.680 --> 00:38:14.160
Being white and Cuban helped me
because I couldn\'t be deported.

00:38:15.640 --> 00:38:18.120
The worst thing
was being an outcast,

00:38:18.160 --> 00:38:21.880
the daily life, the seasons
that changed without a solution.

00:38:33.160 --> 00:38:36.560
In order to legalize my situation,
I needed a work contract,

00:38:36.600 --> 00:38:39.960
and to get a work contract,
I needed to be there legally.

00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:43.040
The worst thing
were the recurring thoughts.

00:38:43.240 --> 00:38:45.320
I felt angry.

00:38:47.400 --> 00:38:50.880
I didn\'t and still can\'t understand,

00:38:51.120 --> 00:38:55.040
that the difference was marked
simply by geographical fate.

00:38:55.200 --> 00:38:59.280
As simple as dropping a seed
on a piece of land

00:38:59.800 --> 00:39:01.760
or the one just beside.

00:39:15.440 --> 00:39:18.880
In Cuba very little is known
about what you\'re saying.

00:39:19.560 --> 00:39:23.160
People always prefer telling
the good side of the story,

00:39:23.800 --> 00:39:26.880
the good news
that make leaving worthwhile.

00:39:28.520 --> 00:39:31.520
There wasn\'t much I could do
being that far,

00:39:31.960 --> 00:39:36.800
but if only you had told me,
we wouldn\'t have felt so lonely.

00:39:39.560 --> 00:39:43.680
My legal issues were easier
because Pablo paved the way.

00:39:49.000 --> 00:39:53.320
He said he would leave the country
as soon as he had the chance.

00:39:53.560 --> 00:39:57.320
Four years later he was invited
to a Script Writers\'s Meeting

00:39:57.360 --> 00:40:00.200
and he chose to stay in Geneva
working on anything else,

00:40:00.240 --> 00:40:02.520
rather than going back to Cuba.

00:40:21.880 --> 00:40:23.360
It seemed an eternity,

00:40:23.720 --> 00:40:28.680
but the joy of seeing each other again
and finally living on our own,

00:40:29.000 --> 00:40:31.360
erased a year of waiting.

00:40:34.920 --> 00:40:37.320
Everything was new, fun.

00:40:37.880 --> 00:40:41.200
We started to discover
unknown pleasures together

00:40:41.640 --> 00:40:43.680
like choosing the color for a wall,

00:40:43.720 --> 00:40:45.320
cooking new recipes,

00:40:45.480 --> 00:40:47.160
buying tools,

00:40:47.280 --> 00:40:49.720
or making love in the kitchen
during the daytime,

00:40:49.760 --> 00:40:52.640
without the fear of being caught
by his grandmother.

00:41:16.680 --> 00:41:19.200
Nobody said marriage was easy.

00:41:39.840 --> 00:41:42.000
My ears are ringing.

00:41:42.760 --> 00:41:47.720
Didn\'t it seem to you
that the wood was moving?

00:41:48.520 --> 00:41:52.600
You would love Pablo,
he\'s always making up stories.

00:41:53.920 --> 00:41:57.080
In Cuba there are no superheroes
since 1959, you know that.

00:41:57.120 --> 00:41:58.920
If I invent Mr. Metastasis

00:41:59.000 --> 00:42:00.520
he would have 60 years
of accumulated work.

00:42:00.640 --> 00:42:03.960
This man is the new successor,
the new President of Cuba,

00:42:04.120 --> 00:42:07.680
and opposite to what we expect,
he faces all of the powers.

00:42:08.800 --> 00:42:12.320
I\'m sure that everyone
who has hopped into his cycletaxi

00:42:12.440 --> 00:42:16.000
would have heard
some of his script ideas.

00:42:20.800 --> 00:42:22.800
For now he won\'t make them true,

00:42:23.040 --> 00:42:27.160
but he\'s happy with the possibilities
this country offers him.

00:42:29.720 --> 00:42:31.920
I don\'t get to feel it as he does.

00:42:32.040 --> 00:42:34.040
I\'m afraid that if I stop

00:42:34.120 --> 00:42:36.120
and take a false step,

00:42:36.160 --> 00:42:39.160
I could get hopelessly
separated from filming.

00:43:04.040 --> 00:43:06.800
Tonight I got my period back.

00:43:07.320 --> 00:43:09.400
It\'s been years since we started
trying to have a baby,

00:43:09.440 --> 00:43:11.200
with no success.

00:43:11.240 --> 00:43:14.360
Every time this happens, it feels
like a harsh reminder that I\'m now 40

00:43:14.400 --> 00:43:17.880
and that time is passing me by
on all counts.

00:43:32.840 --> 00:43:36.080
For years, I have been living
as if time didn\'t exist

00:43:36.120 --> 00:43:38.800
but I guess it wasn\'t a good idea.

00:43:39.160 --> 00:43:41.160
Have you gone to the doctor\'s?

00:43:41.280 --> 00:43:43.880
Do you know
what can be going wrong?

00:43:46.320 --> 00:43:51.200
The last image of your letter
reminded me of this sad night.

00:43:52.800 --> 00:43:55.520
I had been living in Spain
for three years,

00:43:55.640 --> 00:43:59.800
still illegally
and unable to find a solution.

00:44:01.880 --> 00:44:06.080
I couldn\'t even imagine the miracle
would occur after some days.

00:44:06.920 --> 00:44:09.160
I wish something changes soon
for you too.

00:44:12.400 --> 00:44:14.600
I\'m sorry
for these soundless images;

00:44:14.640 --> 00:44:16.840
I don\'t know
what could have happened.

00:44:17.720 --> 00:44:21.120
This is Silvia.
She is my best friend here.

00:44:21.600 --> 00:44:23.160
She studied Medicine in Cuba

00:44:23.200 --> 00:44:25.640
and was sent to Angola
for a medical mission.

00:44:25.800 --> 00:44:28.200
She managed to get
a tourist visa to go to Spain

00:44:28.280 --> 00:44:30.320
and abandoned the mission.

00:44:30.560 --> 00:44:32.760
She was paid 400 dollars a month

00:44:32.840 --> 00:44:36.280
from which the Cuban government
would get more than 2000.

00:44:36.440 --> 00:44:39.840
She tried a different life here,
even being an illegal immigrant.

00:44:41.240 --> 00:44:42.480
We were happy.

00:44:43.440 --> 00:44:45.680
Zapatero had been elected President

00:44:45.760 --> 00:44:48.840
and he did a regularization
program for immigrants.

00:44:49.840 --> 00:44:53.080
In order to be regularized,
a work contract was needed,

00:44:53.280 --> 00:44:56.640
but they inserted a small loophole:

00:44:57.200 --> 00:44:58.920
If you got someone to testify

00:44:58.960 --> 00:45:01.800
that you were working at their
house for some hours a day,

00:45:01.840 --> 00:45:04.160
you could get the residence permit.

00:45:08.040 --> 00:45:10.120
I found that guardian angel:

00:45:10.760 --> 00:45:13.280
my grandfather\'s brother,
who I met in Spain.

00:45:14.360 --> 00:45:18.080
They both had broken off relations
when my great uncle left Cuba.

00:45:18.120 --> 00:45:20.800
They never spoke
or saw each other again.

00:45:21.280 --> 00:45:23.400
I\'m so deeply grateful to him.

00:45:23.880 --> 00:45:27.480
I owe him my first legal status
in Spain:

00:45:30.880 --> 00:45:32.560
housekeeper.

00:45:34.560 --> 00:45:37.480
It kept me from working
in the filming industry for a year,

00:45:37.520 --> 00:45:40.160
but I set up
a small business with Silvia.

00:45:41.040 --> 00:45:44.520
She needed some money
to validate her university degree

00:45:44.560 --> 00:45:46.440
and work here as a doctor.

00:45:47.680 --> 00:45:50.160
She was claimed as a deserter
by Cuban government.

00:45:50.240 --> 00:45:53.160
She was forbidden to go back
to the island for 8 years.

00:45:54.080 --> 00:45:57.120
The only way to get the title
was bribing a list of people.

00:45:57.160 --> 00:46:01.000
We got a loan from the bank,
bought an old truck,

00:46:01.240 --> 00:46:04.640
and set up a street stall
to sell Cuban drinks.

00:46:08.680 --> 00:46:12.120
I still have strawberry,
carrot, melon,

00:46:12.200 --> 00:46:16.240
pineapple, toron...
I mean, grapefruit.

00:46:31.080 --> 00:46:35.920
Come here, grandma, have a mojito
so you feel like you\'re 20 again.

00:46:36.120 --> 00:46:39.760
Come on lady, have a mojito
so you would feel in the moon.

00:46:47.000 --> 00:46:50.720
I found that Spanish people
feel a special bond with Cuba,

00:46:50.800 --> 00:46:54.520
as if they still hadn\'t recovered
from losing it a century ago.

00:46:55.480 --> 00:46:59.720
They spent hours discussing
about the Cuban Revolution.

00:47:00.520 --> 00:47:05.200
It\'s undeniable, 60 years later
Cuba is still a necessary utopia.

00:47:07.800 --> 00:47:10.080
Sometimes I\'d rather say
I was from the Canary Islands

00:47:10.080 --> 00:47:12.600
so I didn\'t have to explain
why I left Cuba,

00:47:12.600 --> 00:47:15.160
if I supported Miami
or the Revolution.

00:47:15.400 --> 00:47:17.960
Or the unfulfilled stereotype
of the Cuban woman

00:47:18.000 --> 00:47:20.040
expected behind the bar.

00:47:20.720 --> 00:47:24.720
I was too white, with no wide hips,
and I couldn\'t dance.

00:47:26.280 --> 00:47:28.560
You tried many times to show me,

00:47:28.680 --> 00:47:31.680
but it\'s Silvia I owe
my little progress in dancing to.

00:47:31.960 --> 00:47:36.120
Here I started feeling more comfortable
because I didn\'t feel the worst.

00:47:42.520 --> 00:47:46.160
We conquered the whole Spain
through mojitos.

00:47:47.040 --> 00:47:49.920
We drove for more than 80000 km
in this van

00:47:49.960 --> 00:47:51.800
and went to almost
100 street markets.

00:47:51.920 --> 00:47:55.600
We mashed the peppermint
of each mojito at least 5 times,

00:47:56.280 --> 00:48:00.920
so we would have mashed the pestle
against the bar around 250000 times.

00:48:00.960 --> 00:48:04.600
We sold that much
that we paid off our debt to the bank.

00:48:04.640 --> 00:48:06.560
Silvia validated her Doctor\'s Degree,

00:48:06.560 --> 00:48:09.440
and I ended up exhausted
and with no inspiration.

00:48:09.840 --> 00:48:11.880
Even the police are coming...

00:48:14.480 --> 00:48:16.400
I got tired of sleeping in the van,

00:48:16.520 --> 00:48:19.080
of bathing using only wet wipes,

00:48:19.560 --> 00:48:21.000
of eating on the street,

00:48:21.040 --> 00:48:23.480
of feeling as if I were
inside a glass cabinet.

00:48:30.280 --> 00:48:31.880
We were in Finisterre,

00:48:32.520 --> 00:48:35.640
the end of the world
and the end of our itinerant stage.

00:48:36.000 --> 00:48:38.920
Silvia was going to start
working as a doctor.

00:48:38.920 --> 00:48:40.280
And me?

00:48:40.560 --> 00:48:42.840
What had I achieved
in all that time?

00:48:43.720 --> 00:48:47.560
I had submitted some of my projects
in some film production companies,

00:48:47.760 --> 00:48:50.680
but the gaps in my CV
were suspicious.

00:48:51.560 --> 00:48:55.640
I don\'t blame them, even I
had stopped believing in myself.

00:48:57.240 --> 00:49:01.840
I started working in this temporarily,
but I had spent that many years

00:49:02.080 --> 00:49:05.720
that I couldn\'t picture myself
in a different role.

00:49:17.040 --> 00:49:20.120
When that market was over,
I needed to see the sea.

00:49:24.240 --> 00:49:25.960
I met this woman,

00:49:26.000 --> 00:49:28.360
who had just finished
the Camino de Santiago

00:49:28.400 --> 00:49:32.680
and was feeling strong enough
to start the journey back to France.

00:49:35.720 --> 00:49:37.840
She was traveling with her dog
and with Pepito,

00:49:37.880 --> 00:49:39.640
her donkey.

00:49:45.160 --> 00:49:48.800
She told me her goal was to walk
at the same speed as her animals,

00:49:50.040 --> 00:49:52.920
to learn a better way to live
on Earth all together.

00:49:54.640 --> 00:49:58.440
I felt jealous of her because
she knew what her goal was.

00:50:02.360 --> 00:50:05.640
I had been filming compulsively
for a long time.

00:50:05.720 --> 00:50:09.320
Filming was the way of feeling
that I hadn\'t given up cinema,

00:50:09.680 --> 00:50:12.520
but I was completely disconnected.

00:50:18.480 --> 00:50:19.920
That day I saw it clearly.

00:50:20.440 --> 00:50:22.440
I, just like Pepito,

00:50:23.880 --> 00:50:25.960
didn\'t want to continue either.

00:51:02.240 --> 00:51:06.880
If you could change something
about your past, what would it be?

00:51:10.560 --> 00:51:13.080
I would certainly
avoid street markets.

00:51:13.320 --> 00:51:16.160
But then I wouldn\'t
have found this place.

00:51:18.200 --> 00:51:20.040
You might find it weird,

00:51:20.120 --> 00:51:23.360
but this is the closest to home
I\'ve ever felt.

00:51:34.720 --> 00:51:37.280
I don\'t think it\'s weird
that you\'re living

00:51:37.280 --> 00:51:40.120
at the end of the world
if that makes you feel good.

00:51:42.640 --> 00:51:46.240
But I feel sad that everything you film
ends up in a box.

00:51:53.040 --> 00:51:56.320
It\'s been almost 20 years
since looking through a camera

00:51:56.400 --> 00:51:58.880
is what makes sense in our lives.

00:51:59.760 --> 00:52:04.000
This certainty is a treasure
we can come back to if we get lost.

00:52:06.040 --> 00:52:10.440
I can\'t approach someone
in such a spontaneous way as you do.

00:52:10.920 --> 00:52:15.080
I\'d rather take pictures
of what they carry in their bags.

00:52:15.480 --> 00:52:20.560
It\'s an excuse to share some intimacy,
to find another way to interact.

00:52:54.640 --> 00:52:58.640
I need to compose,
fight with the light until bending it.

00:52:59.240 --> 00:53:03.000
Because it\'s only when my eyes go back
to their ancestral predator job,

00:53:03.080 --> 00:53:06.520
when my body becomes tense
as if life was depending on it

00:53:06.680 --> 00:53:09.360
that I get to feel like home.

00:53:17.120 --> 00:53:20.200
I need to bring back filming
as my daily routine,

00:53:20.360 --> 00:53:22.240
to come back to my element.

00:53:22.720 --> 00:53:25.240
Has this trick worked for you before?

00:53:27.000 --> 00:53:29.000
It\'s the first time I\'m trying it.

00:53:30.920 --> 00:53:32.760
But what does it change?

00:53:32.960 --> 00:53:36.800
It\'s not the same thinking you\'re going to find a man

00:53:36.880 --> 00:53:39.160
and end up finding a woman.

00:53:40.040 --> 00:53:42.160
A woman with the same skills.

00:53:42.760 --> 00:53:44.360
Maybe.

00:53:46.160 --> 00:53:49.720
Have you ever been on a shooting with the snow up to your neck?

00:53:51.480 --> 00:53:52.960
No, not that.

00:53:54.920 --> 00:53:57.880
Look, my next film will be close to the sea.

00:53:57.920 --> 00:53:59.880
I\'ll call you.

00:54:01.040 --> 00:54:03.640
I bet you\'ll do a very good job.

00:54:04.560 --> 00:54:06.600
Well, I have to go now.

00:54:07.960 --> 00:54:10.920
My treat. What\'s your work permit?

00:54:12.080 --> 00:54:13.520
B permit.

00:54:13.800 --> 00:54:16.040
Not really helpful for the subsidy grants.

00:54:16.120 --> 00:54:18.560
But well... Good luck Pierre.

00:54:19.440 --> 00:54:20.720
Bye.

00:55:15.600 --> 00:55:18.600
Have you ever wondered
who are you filming for?

00:55:22.960 --> 00:55:24.680
It\'s hard for me to admit it,

00:55:25.080 --> 00:55:27.240
but my first unconscious viewers

00:55:28.560 --> 00:55:30.520
are my children.

00:55:44.080 --> 00:55:48.280
These are my godchildren, from
a Swiss father and a Cuban mother,

00:55:50.280 --> 00:55:54.880
some of the seeds you mentioned that
germinated in this side of the world.

00:55:55.840 --> 00:55:57.360
When I look after them,

00:55:57.400 --> 00:56:00.960
they make me think of those children
I don\'t know if I\'ll ever have.

00:56:05.760 --> 00:56:08.160
Go on, talk. Poo. Pee.

00:56:08.560 --> 00:56:09.920
No.

00:56:11.360 --> 00:56:13.720
There\'s something
I don\'t dare to tell Pablo

00:56:13.760 --> 00:56:15.800
and that I need to share with you.

00:56:16.400 --> 00:56:19.640
It\'s hard for me to picture
my children growing up here,

00:56:20.560 --> 00:56:23.520
far from that constellation
we grew up in.

00:56:27.840 --> 00:56:30.360
I feel I have no resources
to give them.

00:56:30.800 --> 00:56:33.960
I\'m afraid they would see in me
an unfulfilled woman

00:56:34.440 --> 00:56:38.120
full of slurred words
and broken references.

00:56:39.720 --> 00:56:43.800
I could get to transmit my language,
but little more than that.

00:56:45.360 --> 00:56:47.560
I wouldn\'t know how to raise them

00:56:47.640 --> 00:56:51.400
knowing that what were my games
won\'t be their games.

00:56:51.520 --> 00:56:53.880
That I will feed them
with different flavours,

00:56:54.160 --> 00:56:57.200
that they won\'t grow up playing
around with our friend\'s children

00:56:57.400 --> 00:56:59.800
as we imagined so many times.

00:57:06.240 --> 00:57:09.640
Eh, my godmother is at home

00:57:10.200 --> 00:57:12.440
and she\'s filming you.

00:57:15.160 --> 00:57:16.960
Really?

00:57:18.520 --> 00:57:20.640
Look! -Hi.

00:57:20.960 --> 00:57:22.680
She speaks Spanish.

00:57:28.040 --> 00:57:30.240
Ela, no!

00:57:31.960 --> 00:57:33.640
Don\'t touch that.

00:57:41.040 --> 00:57:43.800
I don\'t know how to deal with
so many broken dreams

00:57:43.920 --> 00:57:47.800
or how to give birth with
this sensation of being unprotected.

00:58:02.320 --> 00:58:05.640
Cutie, how was it?

00:58:07.080 --> 00:58:09.240
And Ana and the kids?
-Good.

00:58:09.320 --> 00:58:12.040
And Fiore, was he there?
-Yes.

00:58:13.640 --> 00:58:15.800
Do you want to go for a ride?

00:58:16.720 --> 00:58:18.720
Let\'s go home.

00:58:20.920 --> 00:58:23.120
I need to get some sleep.

00:58:23.600 --> 00:58:25.680
Ok, let\'s go home.

00:58:27.920 --> 00:58:30.480
Pablo has made
a doctor\'s appointment.

00:58:31.680 --> 00:58:33.760
He is really excited.

00:58:35.240 --> 00:58:38.680
I sometimes find answers
that relieve me temporarily

00:58:39.200 --> 00:58:43.520
and encourage me to become a mother
and bet for a family life here.

00:58:44.680 --> 00:58:48.040
But suddenly insecurity pops up
with a new question.

00:58:49.120 --> 00:58:52.160
And I don\'t know
what I want anymore.

00:59:05.680 --> 00:59:07.040
Heidi,

00:59:08.320 --> 00:59:11.520
I\'ve got the feeling
that you don\'t fully land in Geneva.

00:59:11.560 --> 00:59:14.120
That your body is divided
in two pieces.

00:59:14.760 --> 00:59:17.720
That Cuba you\'re missing
no longer exists.

00:59:18.320 --> 00:59:21.360
You can\'t be stuck by
a broken dream.

00:59:23.320 --> 00:59:27.520
What\'s most important is the shelter
you and Pablo can build.

00:59:29.080 --> 00:59:32.160
Why do you say
you don\'t have enough resources?

00:59:32.680 --> 00:59:34.160
Don\'t you think it\'s enough

00:59:34.200 --> 00:59:38.120
to try to to pass on what\'s left
in you two of that utopia?

00:59:45.520 --> 00:59:49.960
Today I feel like telling you
that I once wanted to be a mum.

01:00:24.400 --> 01:00:26.800
Sebastián showed up all of a sudden.

01:00:29.920 --> 01:00:33.000
I like to think
he was brought by the postman.

01:00:37.560 --> 01:00:40.040
The best postman in the world.

01:00:42.680 --> 01:00:46.560
In the neighbourhood
they were used to see me filming.

01:00:47.120 --> 01:00:49.320
The postman found out
that a film production from Madrid

01:00:49.320 --> 01:00:52.080
was filming a documentary
in the village\'s swimming pool

01:00:52.120 --> 01:00:54.720
and he interceded with the Mayor
so that I could do the sound.

01:00:55.400 --> 01:00:57.760
Shortly after, Sebastián came.

01:00:57.877 --> 01:00:59.686
Do I stay here for you to focus?

01:00:59.842 --> 01:01:01.582
Closer to the door.

01:01:01.702 --> 01:01:02.768
There you are perfect.

01:01:02.920 --> 01:01:04.280
Since I first saw him,

01:01:04.320 --> 01:01:07.240
something pushed me
irremediably towards him.

01:01:07.290 --> 01:01:08.851
433.

01:01:09.011 --> 01:01:10.889
461.

01:01:13.341 --> 01:01:15.395
I was not recording.

01:01:35.680 --> 01:01:40.520
How powerful is that energy
that grows in between two bodies.

01:01:43.760 --> 01:01:49.080
Less than a week later I was addicted
to his eyes, to his kisses.

01:01:50.600 --> 01:01:54.000
And he had fallen in love
with me and with Finisterre.

01:01:54.280 --> 01:01:58.720
He was coming so often that
I even thought he would stay forever.

01:02:48.960 --> 01:02:54.080
May you find love
in the smallest things,

01:02:54.200 --> 01:02:59.080
such as the last goodnight kiss.

01:03:01.000 --> 01:03:02.880
I just can wish

01:03:03.000 --> 01:03:07.000
that this eagerness you have today
may persist forever.

01:03:07.640 --> 01:03:11.880
May the groom kiss the bride now.
-May the bride kiss the groom too?

01:03:16.680 --> 01:03:19.080
Then, husband and wife.

01:03:21.040 --> 01:03:22.440
In Pedra Cuca, 5

01:03:22.600 --> 01:03:24.360
Bye.

01:03:28.960 --> 01:03:31.000
I moved with him to Madrid.

01:03:31.120 --> 01:03:33.240
I took advantage I was up in the sky

01:03:33.640 --> 01:03:37.440
and asked for a girl with my curly hair
and his red reflections

01:03:37.680 --> 01:03:39.800
and I named her Julia.

01:03:50.080 --> 01:03:53.720
I found myself enjoying
the idea of beginning a family,

01:03:54.520 --> 01:03:57.600
I learnt how to identify
my most fertile moments.

01:03:57.760 --> 01:03:59.480
I stopped taking coffee.

01:03:59.520 --> 01:04:03.720
I got obsessed with ecological food
and with listening to my body.

01:04:03.760 --> 01:04:07.400
I was nauseous every month,
also I had pain in my breasts

01:04:07.440 --> 01:04:10.080
and I was tired
as if I was pregnant.

01:04:11.480 --> 01:04:16.800
But sadly every 29 days
I would find the first stains of blood.

01:04:19.480 --> 01:04:22.880
I didn\'t thought that at 38
I wasn\'t infinite anymore.

01:04:40.680 --> 01:04:44.560
ASSISTED REPRODUCTION UNIT
IN VITRO FERTILISATION

01:04:49.480 --> 01:04:53.320
I AUTHORIZE TRANSFER
OF A MAXIMUM OF 2 EMBRYOS.

01:05:03.360 --> 01:05:07.400
Are you recording?
-I want to shoot my first puncture.

01:05:08.480 --> 01:05:11.360
If you want you can sit
on that chair backwards.

01:05:12.720 --> 01:05:15.720
Don\'t fuck with me, flaca.
Are you going to shoot this?

01:05:15.880 --> 01:05:17.400
Don\'t you want me to?

01:05:17.680 --> 01:05:21.720
I don\'t know if I want you
to shoot the whole process.

01:05:36.760 --> 01:05:39.520
I don\'t know which side is better.

01:05:39.720 --> 01:05:42.560
My skin is softer in this side.

01:05:43.360 --> 01:05:45.720
You need to give the shot firmly.

01:05:45.960 --> 01:05:48.040
Don\'t worry, it\'s not going to hurt.

01:05:48.080 --> 01:05:50.960
Are you sure?
-Yes, breathe in.

01:05:52.360 --> 01:05:54.760
Breathe out. Slowly.

01:06:02.640 --> 01:06:05.360
After being shot
all types of hormones,

01:06:05.880 --> 01:06:09.440
they extracted the eggs,
they inseminated them

01:06:09.720 --> 01:06:13.440
and they got two embryos
that they hosted in my uterus.

01:06:14.080 --> 01:06:19.520
We were sure it was going to work
but I had my period back again.

01:06:23.520 --> 01:06:26.360
We tried three more times
with identical results

01:06:27.360 --> 01:06:29.440
and then we decided to stop.

01:06:57.400 --> 01:07:00.720
A few days before
I received your first letter,

01:07:00.880 --> 01:07:03.480
I moved back to Finisterre.

01:07:08.200 --> 01:07:11.640
Sebastián had found some images
I shot during the treatment

01:07:11.680 --> 01:07:14.000
without him noticing.

01:07:16.560 --> 01:07:18.800
He doesn\'t understand why I film

01:07:20.520 --> 01:07:23.200
let alone such intimate moments.

01:07:31.040 --> 01:07:33.720
I\'m not that sure either.

01:07:37.320 --> 01:07:41.040
I just know I need to leave
proof of certain moments.

01:07:45.440 --> 01:07:49.880
Recording him without telling
became the essence of our breakup.

01:07:51.720 --> 01:07:55.680
He didn\'t want to be with someone
who would trespass his limits

01:07:58.440 --> 01:08:01.000
and I didn\'t feel like I was wrong.

01:08:06.560 --> 01:08:08.920
But some nights, I\'m not that sure.

01:08:17.280 --> 01:08:20.360
I don\'t know how to control
this compulsive feeling.

01:08:24.160 --> 01:08:27.000
I don\'t know
where those boundaries are.

01:08:33.720 --> 01:08:36.600
Today, I want to be close to you.

01:09:22.040 --> 01:09:25.000
MATERNITY

01:12:26.960 --> 01:12:29.160
I cried all night long

01:12:29.200 --> 01:12:32.960
relieving all the sadness
that had been there for a long time.

01:12:33.680 --> 01:12:35.960
I was crying for a life
that never was

01:12:36.160 --> 01:12:38.960
while my collapsed body
was sinking down

01:12:39.320 --> 01:12:41.440
until hitting rock bottom.

01:12:53.840 --> 01:12:56.040
I was about to give up

01:12:56.480 --> 01:12:59.600
and then I wondered
what would you have done.

01:13:05.040 --> 01:13:07.040
I took a big impulse, fearless

01:13:07.160 --> 01:13:09.320
and I felt much better.

01:13:10.800 --> 01:13:12.640
As I was recovering strength,

01:13:12.680 --> 01:13:16.640
I though Cuba should turn out
to be a current on my favor.

01:13:32.200 --> 01:13:33.400
You\'re right,

01:13:34.000 --> 01:13:37.440
I need to deal with the fact
that now my life is here,

01:13:37.680 --> 01:13:39.440
and I\'m not alone.

01:13:43.400 --> 01:13:45.920
I can\'t be sinking on my own.

01:13:51.520 --> 01:13:53.000
Of course not.

01:13:53.520 --> 01:13:56.720
You forget you learned how to swim
a long time ago.

01:13:58.240 --> 01:14:01.440
It\'s just pushing simultaneously
with both legs,

01:14:01.920 --> 01:14:04.000
take a big stroke,

01:14:04.480 --> 01:14:08.320
and leave the past behind
so it doesn\'t burden.

01:14:14.040 --> 01:14:16.960
If I think of what I won
rather than what I lost

01:14:17.760 --> 01:14:21.560
that would be the diversity of women
I never thought I could be.

01:14:22.000 --> 01:14:25.240
It\'s something I\'ve been discovering
with every video letter I sent you.

01:14:27.280 --> 01:14:32.280
Now I feel like starting again,
but I still don\'t know where from.

01:14:36.480 --> 01:14:39.040
Maybe from what you do best.

01:14:40.000 --> 01:14:43.120
I feel that behind your compulsive
habit of filming yourself,

01:14:43.160 --> 01:14:46.440
there\'s this vital need
trying to come out.

01:15:06.440 --> 01:15:10.000
I come back to this images
and what I first find is your laughter,

01:15:11.160 --> 01:15:14.240
the happiness that you felt
while you were filming.

01:15:25.240 --> 01:15:27.480
Look how neat this framing looks.

01:15:28.440 --> 01:15:29.520
Heidi.
-What

01:15:29.520 --> 01:15:31.800
Let\'s roll.
-Camera ready!

01:15:36.960 --> 01:15:40.440
In these images I find us
so confident with what we\'re doing.

01:15:40.840 --> 01:15:44.560
They take me back to the moment where
we thought everything was possible.

01:15:45.080 --> 01:15:49.120
But moreover, to the moment
where we were creating together.

01:16:22.040 --> 01:16:25.520
Once she gets down
we can slightly move it towards.

01:16:27.440 --> 01:16:29.160
Silence!

01:16:36.840 --> 01:16:41.560
When was the last time we did
what we really want to do?

01:16:45.760 --> 01:16:47.840
Patri I\'m ready.

01:16:49.240 --> 01:16:50.320
Rolling!