PROJECT NAME:

TIMECODE:

DIALOGUE

00:10 - 00:18

So my documentary is… err… what can I say? It’s like me… Are you paying attention to the shooting?

00:19 - 00:29

It’s like, it’s about Lobola. Right? So I’m saying, if it’s gender equality, why is it that men,

00:30 - 00:37

come into a room and they discuss and decide how much a woman is worth? You know?

00:38 – 00: 46

And like why is it based on classism, like education, family background, how many children you have or don’t have.

00:47 – 00:57

I think that’s quite superficial. So I might not even go the Lobola way.

00:58 -00:58

Huh?

- Mmhm

00:59 – 01:01

You must be talking in your dreams.

01:02 – 01:05

Let me record you saying that. No I have to.

01:06 – 01:08

I can’t say it anymore. – Why?

01:09 – 01:10

I can’t.

01:16 – 01:18

Our cousin’s husband gave our father some cows.

01:19 – 01:20

Oh. I didn’t know that.

01:21 – 01:23

Those cows are still alive and now they are transferred to me.,

01:24 – 01:27

Our cousin’s husband told me that when I’m settled, I can come and fetch the cows.

01:28 – 01:29

Same applies to you.

-     Oh really?

01:30 – 01:32

No etcetera, etcetera, full stop.

01:34 – 01:39

I’m going to tell our grandfather that I’m considering turning my back on Lobola.

01:40 – 01:40

You mustn’t even raise that one.

01:41 – 01:43

Maybe he’ll support you but he won’t support the idea.

01:44 – 01:47

I also wouldn’t come.

-     You wouldn’t come to my wedding?

01:48 – 01:52

With no cows? With no cows? No ways.

-     What do you mean?

02:10 – 02:18

In Southern Africa and various other parts of the continent, Lobola is a cultural practice that unifies the families

02:19 -02:22

of two people who want to get married.

02:24 – 02:29

Lobola legitimizes a marriage and it demonstrates that the groom will be able to provide

02:30 – 02:32

for his future wife.

02:34 – 02:40

It is a token of appreciation to the bride’s family, because her ability to build a family and bear children,

02:41 – 02:45

will be transferred to her husband’s family.

02:59 – 03:01

The Lobola process involves several steps.

03:03 – 03:10

The most contentious one is when the groom pays a ‘bride price’ in the form of cattle, money or both,

03: 11 – 03:13

to the family of the bride.

03:19 – 03:25

Most importantly, Lobola unites the ancestors of the newly weds.

03:27 – 03: 33

By ancestors, I am referring to family members who have passed on.

03:47 – 03: 48

You’re already documenting?

03:49 – 03:53

You see this feeling is a good feeling. Hey?

-     Yes, it is.

03:54 – 03:57

We must actually say screw it to that tradition. Why that finger?

03:58 – 04:05

Camera Operator: Yes, I can pick my finger, any finger I want.

-     Honestly, why that finger?

04:13 – 04:15

Camera Operator: Yes, make sure it’s the right hand.

04:32 – 04:36

Oh my God. You said it was not going to be this sore.

04:37 – 04:40

I’m ready to run out of here.

04:43 – 04:47

You’re done.

-     Camera Operator: Congratulations.

04:52 – 04:55

Camera Operator: You crazy kids. You crazy kids.

-     Swollen and stuff.

04:56 – 04:59

Camera Operator: You all are crazy.

-     Jesus.

05:03 – 05:06

I’m engaged. Can’t you see?

05:08 – 05:09

What is this?

05:10 – 05:11

Camera Operator: Off the market, Mama.

-     You know!

05:14 – 05:17

Then you know, you can’t divorce.

-     Camera Operator: There’s no way. No!

05:21 – 05:24

“Otherwise With Shado Twala”. See the world from a woman’s point of view.

05:25 – 05:31

Filmmaker Sihle Hlophe turns the camera on herself as she unpacks the notion of bride price and Lobola.

05:31 – 05:35

It is such a contested space. It is such a hot topic.

05:36 – 05:39

This evening we spotlight the cultural practice of Lobola.

05:40 – 05:45

We’re joined in studio by filmmaker, Sihle Hlophe, who’s documenting her own Lobola journey.

05:46: 05:50

I grew up believing that Lobola is the right thing to do. I’m going to do it. It’s a way of honouring my parents,

05:51 – 05:53

particularly my father.

05:54 – 05:57

And then I began to question the patriarchal elements of it.

05:58 – 06:01

Why can’t two families come together without money exchanging hands?

06:02 – 06:06

There are times when they say “someone’s leg is broken”, meaning they have a child already.

06:07 – 06:09

The price must be decreased because of that.

06:10 – 06:13

Gogo Dineo, you say you have an issue with the term “bride price”.

06:14 – 06:17

Yes, because really what is Lobola in English? There’s no term because it was not a Western

06:18 – 06:19

It was an African thing.

06:20 – 06:24

Sihle you described Lobola as beautiful and ugly at the same time. Why?

06:25 – 06:30

Because it’s beautiful for two families to come together yet sometimes it’s not so beautiful

06:31 – 06:35

how the woman is treated… The valuation process thereof.

06:36 – 06:41

She doesn’t have children. Oh she’s educated. Those things could easily work in my favour.

06:42 – 06:45

But I’m in a position where I felt like… No! I have to question this.

06:47 – 06:48

Are you about to get married?

-     Yes.

06:49 – 06:50

Oh. Okay.

06:51 – 06:51

Yes.

06:52 – 06:57

In my personal life, I’m conflicted about Lobola, that’s why I haven’t gone through with the process.

06:58 – 06:59

You haven’t?

-     Yes. I have not.

07:00 – 07:08

I will then either go through with the Lobola, like the traditional, conventional sense of Lobola.

07:09 – 07:17

Or I will reappropriate it or I will totally do away with it. I don’t know at this point.

07:51 – 07:55

I was born into a politically active family during the height of apartheid.

07:56 – 08:00

I grew up in KaNyamazane, a township on the outskirts of Nelspruit.

08:01 – 08:05

But I attended a private school. This is where I first encountered ‘whiteness’.

08:06 – 08:10

This is where I learnt that being African was somehow wrong, inferior.

08:14 – 08:20

When I was in Grade 2, my beloved mother passed away. Something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

08:23 – 08:26

I was raised by my maternal grandparents, both published authors,

08:27 – 08:30

and my father, a Professor of Analytical Chemistry.

08:34 – 08:40

Even though they didn’t see eye to eye when it came to raising me, they agreed on one thing.

08:41 – 08:47

As a motherless child, education was the only way I was going to secure a bright future.

08:48 – 08:51

So I was encouraged to read, and read, I did.

08:53 – 08:58

High school was a nightmare. I was subjected to relentless bullying because of my weight.

08:59 – 09:06

The only thing that kept me sane was my love of art, history, music and drama.

09:07 – 09:09

I was literally in every school play.

09:13 – 09:16

Although my father and grandparents tried to teach me about the importance of being proudly African,

09:18 – 09:22

I was too much of a quote on quote coconut to understand.

09:25 - 30

It was only when I got to film school and dabbled in Rastafarianism, that I really began the process.

09:31 – 09:32

of decolonizing my mind.

09:34 – 09:38

Film school also moulded me into a firm believer of gender equality.

09:39 – 09:43

Some might be tempted to call me a feminist, but I hate labels.

09:50 – 09:54

It’s no surprise that when my partner asked me to marry him, I immediately felt burdened

09:55 – 10:01

by certain societal expectations. Married people don’t do this and married people don’t do that.

10:03 – 10:09

To make matters worse, my beloved father passed away a few days before my engagement.

10:12 – 10:17

This left me at a crossroads. Who would accept the Lobola in his absence?

10:24 – 10:29

My partner was reluctant to appear on camera. Understandably so.

10:33 – 10:39

Because Lobola is such a family centered practice, I needed to know how the elders felt about it.

10:40 – 10:46

So I turned to my late maternal grandmother’s cousin, Gogo Joyce Maseko, for answers.

10:48 – 10:51

So you have to put one underneath to give that volume?

-     Yes.

10:52 – 10:53

To give it that vavavoom.

10:54 – 10:56

And also so to make it stable as well.

10:57 – 11:05

The hanging of the cloth gives it that… when you tie it.

-     It’s true.

11:07 – 11:12

I can’t do something I don’t understand well. That’s why I came to speak to you.

11:13 – 11:17

The purpose of Lobola, which is the process you’re about to go through, is to build relationships.

11:18 – 11:20

Each family has its own delegation. The two delegations come together.

11:21 – 11:27

They’ll discuss how much Lobola should be paid for the “flower”(future bride).

11:30 – 11:34

They will state the amount of money or cattle required.

11:35 – 11:44

Your grandfather and your uncles will come to an agreement that 15 cows are required.

11:45 – 11:57

Because your parents are deceased, you’ll be represented by your grandfather and your uncles and aunt.

11:58 – 12:01

When you speak to a lot of young people, especially feminists, they say “I’m not for sale”.

12:02 – 12:10

It’s not like we’re selling you like a commodity at a retail shop. You don’t have a price tag.

12:11 – 12:18

Each family has “ukhalo” (number of required cattle).

12:19 – 12:25

Some people use the payment of Lobola as an excuse o mistreat women.

12:26 – 12:30

And then that becomes, I think, a bit of a problem.

12:58 – 13:04

Three years after my father’s death, my brother and I organised the unveiling of his tombstone.

13:06 – 13:13

This gathering presented me with the rare opportunity to meet with both my paternal and maternal family members.

13:15 – 13:20

I was anxious to find out how they felt about my upcoming wedding.

13:21 – 13:23

Hello. I didn’t greet you properly.

13:24 – 13:26

This is Lutsandvo, Ncamsile’s child.

-     Oh. How are you?

13:27 -13:28

We are well.

13:30 – 13:41

♪ He was given power. He was given power. Jesus is with us. ♪

13:42 – 13:49

 ♪ Jesus is with us. Jesus is with us in spirit and...

♪

13:50 – 13:56

You left an indelible mark on the world. Our love for you will never die.

13:56 – 14:10

Hlophe clan praises.

14:14 – 14:22

Thank you for your presence and for this child’s maturity, which made her think, “What can I do for my father?”

14:23 – 14:28

That’s how it is, Sihle. Don’t be mislead our lead son-in-law. Tell him that you have a home.

14:29 – 14:33

Our future son-in-law will come here and we’ll see him.

14:34 – 14:37

You’ll be escorted from your father’s home and fetch your mothers and uncles.

14:38 – 14:40

We’ll go through the Lobola process with you and eat meat here at your home.

14:41 – 14:45

We’re grateful for this ceremony that you’ve all done. It was very beautiful.

14:49 – 14:51

Who’s coaching you about Lobola?

-     No-one!

14:52 – 14:54

Why haven’t you asked me?

14:55 – 14:57

Oh yes, I need to ask you, Grandfather.

14:59 – 15:10

I want to receive your Lobola. I’ll tell that person that for my precious young lady, you owe me 17 head of cattle.

15:13 – 15:15

If failing which, you don’t have her.

15:18 – 15:19

Come on, Grandfather.

15:42 – 15:46

I didn’t have the courage to tell my elders that I had serious reservations about Lobola.

15:50 – 15:54

I’m ashamed to admit that for about a a year, I allowed them to believe that I was going to go ahead

15:55 – 15:57

with the process as expected.

16:04 – 16:08

Later on that day, I attended my niece’s farewell party.

16:09 – 16:15

You must remain the Lutsandvo that we know. We love you so much and we wish you the best.

16:16 – 16:17

Thank you.

16:22 – 16:26

I was eager to find out how the other women in attendance felt about Lobola.

16:27 – 16:31

Is there a woman who can decline Lobola?

16:32 – 16:40

Yes. Yes. Because as Swati people, we are human. We have different views.

16:41 – 16:43

Lobola would be nice if the proceeds were given to the woman.

16:44 – 16:44

Exactly!

16:45 – 16:46

They’ll pay Lobola for you now that you can cook rice.

16:47 – 16:51

I always say Lobola is a good thing.

16:52 – 16:55

Is the amount of cows always the same?

16:56 – 16:57

No, it differs.

16:58 – 17:08

It depends on whether you have children or not. If you don’t have children, they’ll charge more.

17:09 – 17:14

Quite honestly, your status counts.

17:37 – 17:43

Visiting Eswatini made me realise that to most people in my immediate community, Lobola is an invisible,

17:44 – 17:48

unquestionable norm.

17:49 – 17:52

Challenging it was going to make me the exception.

18:05 – 18:09

A few months later, I was invited to my cousin, Nomsa’s traditional wedding.

18:10 – 18:11

Can you hear it?

18:13 – 18:15

Knock, knock. Oh. You’re still busy, Grandmother?

18:16 – 18:20

I was eager to experience the Lobola process through her eyes.

18:22 – 18:26

I was disappointed when Nomsa informed me that the negotiations had already been concluded.

18:27 – 18:31

But that didn’t stop me from being part of the bridal party that accompanied her to her new husband’s home.

18:32 – 18:33

There’s nothing wrong.

18:34 – 18:35

These ones are like this but they were a virgin’s…

18:35 – 18:35

We are African!

18:36 – 18:38

Not all virgins have perky breasts.

18:39 – 18:40

Can you explain the ritual where people “hit the groom”?

18:41 – 18:42

We’re waking him up!

18:43 – 18:44

They say a husband is woken up when he is sleeping.

18:45 – 18:50

That symbolizes that for a man, you need to wake up and go work for your family.

18:53 – 18:54

 ♪ Come bride. We’re here to fetch you. ♪

18:55 – 19:00

 ♪ Bride-to-be are you turning back? Bride-to-be are you refusing?  ♪

19:07 – 19:22

 ♪ Bride-to-be, you must make him move around when he’s sleeping. Move him around. ♪

19:23 – 19:48

 ♪ Bride-to-be, you must move him around when he’s sleeping. Move him around.  ♪

20:02 – 20:06

A year before my wedding, I retuned home to make my big announcement.

20:07 – 20:12

I was going to go ahead with my civil wedding but I was turning my back on Lobola.

20:13 – 20:18

Quite honestly, I didn’t want to take on the role of being a Makoti (bride).

20:20 – 20:25

As naive as this sounds, I just wanted to be my partner’s wife.

20:26 – 20:33

For the most part, brides are expected to build homes, bear children. Persevere.

20:34 – 20:38

And that seemed like too much of a price to pay.

20:46 – 20:51

Today we should have slaughtered a chicken or a goat. You know? Sihle is home.

20:52 – 20:55

Just before we bid her farewell before her wedding.

20:58 – 21:05

But Sihle you have taken the right route to bring the legacy of our father, who is your grandfather.

21:06 – 21:08

Our mother co-authored “Ligwalagwala”. A poet.

21:09 – 21:13

Our father Mr. Mahlalela, wrote more fictional stories.

21:14 – 21:19

Forward with SiSwati! Forward with the work!

-     Forward!

21:20 – 21:24

I’m close to tears. Can you hear me?

21:25 – 21:26

Because I’m so grateful.

21:27 – 21:32

We’re going to Eswatini. I had told them the news but I need to do it face to face.

21:33 – 21:37

When it comes to Lobola, we’re still researching that, as you can see.

21:38 – 21:41

We’re still filming and meeting people from all walks of life.

21:42 – 21:49

In our culture, one must report such matters, just like you’ve done. It’s the right way.

21:50 – 21:57

We wish you the best, my dear. We’ve also been there and “til death do us part”.

21:58 – 22:02

And we had to be resilient. Because sometimes… You know that, right?

22:03 – 22:09

We know we have a way of doing things but yours is different. We accept it because you’re adults now.

22:10 – 22:11

You can make your own decisions.

22:12 – 22:16

So we are there and support you fully. We’ll join you.

22:17 – 22:19

We bless your marriage.

22:20 – 22:23

Thank you very much.

-     You’re overwhelmed my dear.

22:24 – 22:34

 ♪ Bind us together, Lord. Bind us together, with chords that cannot be broken. ♪

22:35 – 22:45

♪ Bind us together, Lord. Bind us together, Lord, bind us together with love.♪

22:59 – 23:03

Although I was emboldened by the support I received from my late mother’s siblings,

23:04 – 23:08

I couldn’t help but wonder if my late grandparents would approve of my decision.

23:10 – 23:17

As a child, they instilled a deep sense of pride in me, pride that was rooted in our identity as Swati people.

23:18 – 23:23

Yet here I was, about to do something completely unAfrican.

23:25 – 23:27

Njabulo, bye!

-     Bye-bye.

23:32 – 23:35

Stay like that, Njabulo.

23:45 – 23:50

The idea of informing the head of my paternal family, Mkhulu Jama Hlphe about my final decision

23:51 – 23:53

filled me with anxiety.

24:00 – 24:06

Quite frankly, I was afraid of his reaction so decided to seek advice from my younger brother,

24:07 – 24:09

Mabuya, and my cousin, Ncamsile.

24:11 – 24:13

You are Swati and that won’t change.

24:16 – 24:17

It doesn’t matter where you were born.

24:18 – 24:20

We’ve been waiting for the Lobolo. We thought you brought it with you in the car.

24:21 – 24:26

What will you tell your fathers and grandfather? What will you say happened to the Lobolo?

24:27 – 24:32

Even after the civil wedding, you must know that this is somebody’s child, not some dog’s child.

24:33 – 24:33

Lobola is needed.

24:34 – 24:35

No, it’s not like that.

24:36 – 24:39

So you’ve lied to your boyfriend and told him that there’s no Lobola in Eswatini?

24:40 – 24:42

Wow cousin. You’ve left me defeated.

24:43 – 24:46

Culture changes, cousin.

-     Ours doesn’t. Perhaps his Joburg culture does.

24:47 – 24:52

What if your father was still alive? You were going to tell him no, no, no?

24:53 – 24:56

You know what my father was like? He allowed people to make up their own minds.

24:57 – 24:59

But this is for your parents. It’s not for you.

25:00 – 25:05

I would do it for my father or even my grandfather, Mahlalela. But they are no longer here.

25:06 – 25:10

I was raised by both my maternal grandparents and my father. It might cause conflict.

25:10 – 25:11

What conflict?

25:11 – 25:13

In this democracy, people have rights

25:14 – 25:16

and discretion to be as they want to be. You see?

25:17 – 25:19

Yes it’s true in South African. This one is Swazi.

25:20 – 25:23

No, it’s supposed to be like that worldwide but there are some things which culturally,

25:24 – 25:28

I think, they need to be done.

-     Especially, when they benefit men, right?

25:29 – 25:29

No, no.

25:30 – 25:31

Like just to say, just to say like…

25:32 – 25:37

From your in-laws side, they can come to greet grandfather and leave behind two chickens.

25:38 – 25:38

And then you do whatever you want to do.

25:39 – 25:42

You’re a feminist?

-     I believe in gender equality.

25:43 – 25:46

What makes you a wife? What makes you take pride I being a wife?

25:47 – 25:50

I’m a wife, whether my husband likes it or not.

25:51 – 25:56

You and I are expensive, Sihle. The Hlophes will finish all his money.

26:15 – 26:17

Remember I phoned you to tell you that we’re getting married?

26:18 – 26:27

You can’t get married without my permission. You still need to come to me, so that I can authorise it.

26:28 – 26:31

I’ve decided to do things my way.

I don’t like your manner of approach.

26:32 – 26:40

When we’re done here, I want to correct you and ask them to come, so I can tell them about our ways.

26:41 – 26:46

They must not think you’re needy and end up taking you for granted.

26:47 – 26:50

It’s our culture. They must know that we honour you.

26:51 – 26:58

He must not think that because the two of you spoke and came to some agreement, he can just do as he pleases.

26:59 – 27:03

We must sit down and reinforce your marriage so that it will not perish.

27:04 – 27:07

I hear what you’re saying about my partner coming to speak to you.

27:08 – 27:11

But I don’t want the money, the Lobola. I don’t want it.

27:12 – 27:21

If you don’t want it, we can ask you to return the cows that were paid for your mother’s Lobola.

27:22 – 27:29

You’ve decided that you don’t want anyone to accept the Lobola because your father is deceased. Right?

27:30 – 27:32

Yes, I don’t want this to cause resentment.

27:33 – 27:39

We are willing and prepared. I’m here. I’ll even go to those people myself.

27:40 – 27:43

You don’t have to beg me. I’m your grandfather.

37:44 – 27:46

This is my brother’s grandchild.

27:47 – 27:49

Don’t take her for granted, I honour her.

27:50 – 27:54

I’d rather keep her here at home if you don’t want her, brother.

28:11 – 28:16

My grandfather’s disapproval left me with no choice but to revisit my decision.

28:18 – 28:20

I had to delve deeper into the subject of Lobola.

28:24 – 28:29

In my mind, there was no better way to do this than to attend the Lobola negotiations

28:30 – 28:32

of people from different walks of life.

28:44 – 28:47

I was introduced to the Mhlangas by our Production Assistance, Dennis.

28:48 – 28:52

Shadrack is Tsonga and his wife, Ntebaleng is Sotho.

28:57 – 29:00

Step one. The groom’s family sends a delegation to the bride’s family.

29:01 – 29:05

The delegation informs the bride’s family of their intention to pay Lobola.

29:06 – 29:14

He left us a message saying that his uncles want to come and see us.

29:15 – 29:21

As you were saying, as Sotho people, we don’t condone cohabitation.

29:22 – 29:28

Today the boy’s family will approach the girl’s family and “ask for water” (consent to negotiate)

29:29 – 29:32

And they’ll get to know each other.

29:33 – 29:38

Are you going to set a date for them to return again, today?

29:39 – 20:51

They’ll either write a letter or send a message stating that since we “asked for water”, we’d like to return again.

29:52 – 29:58

Sotho people don’t ask for unreasonably high amounts of money for Lobola.

29:59 – 30:01

In Sotho we say the person getting married, pays what can afford.

30:02 – 30:04

It’s painful when you mistreat her without paying anything.

30:18 – 30:22

We’ve come to your home to “ask for water” (consent to negotiate).

30:23 – 30:33

We’ve realized that we can help each other with the “flower” that we’ve seen in your home.

30:34 – 30:38

We’ve come to make ourselves known.

30:40 – 30:41

We’re listening gentlemen.

30:42 – 30:46

We’ve already paid “damages” for impregnating your daughter so we’d like a way forward.

30:47 – 30:51

You must give us a list of requests.

30:52 - 31:03

Once you’ve given us a list of requirements and we’ve accepted them, then we can do the gift giving ceremony.

31:04 – 31:12

When that happens, we’ll exchange gifts and also slaughter livestock for each other.

31:13 – 31:23

We’ll slaughter a cow for your family and you’ll do the same for us.

31:24 – 31:30

I have 12 children so I’d like to know which one impressed you.

31:34 – 31:36

We’re here for Ntebaleng.

31:37 – 31:38

I’m happy to hear that.

31:39 – 31:41

I do have a daughter called Ntebaleng.

31:47 – 31:51

Let’s call her so she can confirm if she knows who sent you.

31:52 – 31:54

That’s how our culture works.

31:55 – 31:56

Knock Knock. Come in

31:57 – 32:01

Greetings. How are you?

-We’re well.

32:02 – 32:05

Do you know Shanti?

-     Yes I do.

32:06 – 32:12

We’re grateful that she has acknowledged him. Things are coming together.

32:13 – 32:16

We’ve come to your home to “ask for water”. We don’t have much.

32:17 – 32:26

We’ve initiated the negotiations by “asking for water”. We also need to discuss the “writing of the letter”.

32:27 – 32:32

You need to sit down as a family and decide how “hard you want to hit me” (charge me for Lobola).

32:33 – 32:39

Thank you very much, As the Mhlangas, this is how we “ask for water”.

32:40 – 32:41

This is our culture.

32:42 – 32:43

Our cultures are the same.

32:49 – 32:50

It’s R200.

32:51 – 32:53

We’re “asking for water” from your home.

33:01 – 32:05

I don’t know what letter they’re referring to. In Sotho culture, we don’t write letters listing our demands.

33:06 – 33:07

Cultures differ.

33:09 – 33:13

And what does it mean to you as a woman, that they came to do this?

33:14 – 33:19

It’s an honourable thing that is rarely done these days. It really is an honourable thing.

33:20 – 33:25

It’s an honourable thing and I’m happy.

33:26 – 33:28

So from now, what’s the next step?

33:29 – 33:32

Next time they come, they’ll pay the Lobola.

33:33 – 33:40

 ♪ They’ve taken her. They’ve taken our child. ♪

33:41 -33:54

 ♪ Witches will bewitch. Gossipers will gossip. Singers will sing. The silent ones will remain silent.

♪

33:55 – 34:05

 ♪ They’ve taken her. They’ve taken our child. ♪

34:12 – 34:17

Witnessing the two families coming together for the first time was heartwarming but it made me question

34:18 – 34:22

if Lobola is practical outside the confines of the nuclear family.

34:27 – 34:31

What happens if you were raised by your grandparents or a single parent like me?

34:32 – 34:39

I was also left wondering if the women sitting around the negotiation table had as much bargaining power as the man.

34:44 – 34:51

In South Africa, Lobola is legally binding under the Recognition of Customary Marriages Act 120 of 1998,

34:52 – 34:57

and there was no that I was going to make a life changing decision without speaking to my lawyer.

35:00 – 35:04

I’m faced with two options. I have to get married. It’s either I do Civil or I do Customary.

35:05 – 35:07

Is there an advantage or disadvantage in any of them?

35:08 – 35:14

Both types of marriages are equal before the law. The civil marriage is governed by the Marriages

35:15 – 35:19

And then customary marriages are governed by the Customary Marriages Act.

35:20 – 35:24

Let’s say I just got engaged now, what would you say to empower me?

35:25 – 35:28

Don’t get married in community of property. Marriage is a complicated business.

35:29 – 35:32

A marriage contract with accrual is always the best option.

35:33 – 35:37

The only issue I have with customary marriage is that it doesn’t allow same sex couples to get married.

35:38 – 35:46

No. There are conversations around amending the marriage laws to include polyandry which will also essentially mean

35:47 – 35:53

that you can have a wife and a husband at the same time.

35:55 – 35:57

Thank you for helping me on my own journey.

-     Yes.

36:10 – 36:15

During my school going years in the 1990s and 2000s, I wasn’t taught about the pre-colonial

36:16 – 36:19

of black South Africans. This is why Mapungubwe is so dear to my heart.

36:21 – 36:30

Mapungubwe is an ancient African Kingdom, Southern Africa’s first, established between the years 1200 and 1290 AD.

36:32 -36:38

Home to a powerful tribe that flourished on trading with Eastern cultures such as India and China,

36:39 – 36:44

Mapungubwe saw the rise and fall of this great civilization more than 700 years ago.

37:01 – 37:02

Tell me about Bantu people.

37:03 – 37:09

Bantu people will be including the Batlôkwa people, the Babirwa people, Kalanga people, Tswana people,

37:10 – 37:14

Katla people… those are the Bantu people from the North.

37:15 – 37:18

Okay. From the North. But I guess, I’m also Bantu right? I’m Swati?

37:19 – 37:20

Yes, yes, yes.

37:21 – 37:24

There are also some of the Swazis who belong to the Nguni group.

37:25 – 37:31

For example, when you take the Ngunis, you’ll be talking of the Zulus, the Xhosas and the Tsongas.

37:32 – 37:33

They are the Nguni people.

37:35 – 37:39

You need to search where your great grandfather comes from.

37:42 – 37:44

I am Sihlesamakhonkosi Hlophe.

37:46 – 37:50

“Khonkosi” is derived from the fact that our great great great grandfather looked after the king.

37:51 – 37:52

He would look after the king.

37:53 – 37:56

Where is the king? And he’d answer and say “the king is not here”.

38:01 – 38:05

Why do you think it was cattle? Why not goats? Why not chickens? Why cattle?

38:06 – 38:10

A goat… If you take a look at the status of a goat and a cow, it’s different.

38:12 – 38:13

You can’t use goats to plough.

38:14 – 38:18

To be regarded as rich or as a strong man, he needs to have more cows.

38:19 – 38:19

More.

38:20 – 38:24

You have lots of cattle, then you can feed your families.

38:34 – 38:43

Cattle are important to us as black people because they’ve always been used as a means to marry a woman.

38:44 – 38:46

They were used to pay Lobola.

38:47 – 38:53

If you didn’t have cattle, you would provide labour for your in-laws for 2 to 3 years.

38:54 – 38:57

Then you were done with payment and you could “take” your wife.

38:58 – 39:05

Whether you go to Nigeria or Zimbabwe or anywhere, there’s this notion that cattle are important.

39:06 – 39:09

My grandfather would say, “You can’t finish a cow”.

39:10 – 39:12

He’d say we can start with the hooves. I’ll tell you what we do with the hooves.

39:13 – 39:14

Take the skin. We’ll use the skin. Take the…

39:15 – 39:15

Everything.

39:16 – 39:20

If somebody dies. Bring a cow. If someone gets married, bring a cow. If there’s a fine, bring a cow.

39:21 – 39:23

You know? Everything! He was like, there’s nothing a cow cannot do.

39:24 – 39:29

The things that you taught me, that was nine years ago, they’re so important to me.

39:30 – 39:37

That’s why I had to come back here again. That experience is the day I decided I need to tell the story of Bantu people.

39:38 – 39:42

I couldn’t tell it but then luckily, I was able to tell the one of Lobola.

39:43 – 39:47

Which is still our story and it’s still about cattle, it’s still about our history and where we come from.

39:48 – 39:50

So I just want to say thank you.

-     You’re welcome.

39:51 – 39:53

Alright.

-     I appreciate that. Thank you so much.

40:05 – 40:10

Even though certain elements of Lobola made me deeply uncomfortable, I couldn’t just dismiss it as

40:11 – 40:13

An antiquated, transactional practice.

40:18 – 40:23

After all, it has been held in high regard by those who came before me for many, many years.

40:40 – 40:47

Step two. The two families meet again and the groom-to-be’s family pays the Lobola to the family of the bride-to-be.

40:50 – 40:51

How are you?

-     We’re well. How are you Mama?

40:52 – 40:55

We’re fine. We’re back.

-You’re back again?

40:56 – 40:58

It’s you again, Yes, it’s us.

40:59 – 41:04

I’m addressing all our ancestors, not just the paternal ones or the maternal ones.

41:05 – 41:08

We’re not just paying Lobola, we’re creating a relationship between the two families.

41:09 – 41:10

We ask that the negotiations may go well.

41:11 – 41:19

Once they’ve completed your rituals, they’ll be able to build the houses you complained about when they return home.

41:21 – 41:25

How do you feel today as you’re about to go and pay Lobola?

41:27 – 41:36

Actually, like… the feeling.. I am excited. It’s just that… you know… It’s the first time.

41:49 – 41:51

Do you have to wear jackets during the negotiations, Uncle?

41:52 - 41:54

Yes, we wear jackets.

41:57 – 42:07

The letter you sent us isn’t what we were expecting because it doesn’t state what your requirements are.

42:08 – 42:17

It doesn’t say anything. Nonetheless, we have returned. We’ve accepted it. No problem.

42:18 -42:25

In Sotho culture, once you’ve come to “ask for water”, and you’ve left something for the “pen and paper”

42:26 – 42:33

To write the letter, then we can move on to the second step.

42:34 – 42:40

But gift giving is definitely part of Lobola, I don’t know about here in Joburg but in rural areas, it’s done.

42:41 – 42:46

Had you reached am agreement about how to approach this on the child’s behalf? How to charge?

42:47 – 42:50

How much is one cow? Huh?

43:00 – 43:07

You said it’s R6000 for one cow. Right? Your child was “damaged” (impregnated) by someone else before right?

43:08 – 43:14

So the total amount is R30 000 and after what we paid today, only R26 000 is outstanding.

43:15 – 43:16

We’re all in agreement right? Yes

43:17 – 43:20

And when you slaughter for us, it needs to be a cow. Understood?

43:21 – 43:26

So if the total amount is R30 000, that means it’s R5000 for each cow.

43:27 – 43:29

I hear you.

-     Thank you.

43:30 – 43:34

What do you expect after paying that R30 000 for the cows?

43:35 – 43:37

After that, we want to take our bride home.

43:41 – 43:43

We want to build a relationship.

43:45 – 43:54

Today I’m happy because one of our own has come of age and paid cows for a wife.

43:55 – 43:57

Our late father’s family is growing.

43:58 – 44:00

Resurrect my late father’s home.

44:03 – 44:04

I’m happy.

44:08 – 44:11

My late father’s family is growing because of you.

44:22 – 44:26

All of us gathered here took the “cattle” to our in-laws.

44:27 – 44:33

I don’t know how you’ll raise that R20 000. It’s up to you.

44:49 – 44:53

Our Production Manager Fisiwe, introduced me to another couple, the Mkhaliphis.

44:54 – 44:57

The groom, Lucky, and the bride, Lindiwe, are both Zulu.

44:58 – 45:00

I’m going to return alone because I’m not allowed to participate in the negotiations.

45:01 – 45:03

You’re not allowed inside?

-     I’m not.

45:04 – 45:09

I’m doing a Zulu custom by taking the money to the ancestral shrine and reporting it to the

45:10 – 45:11

Oh. Can we go with you?

45:12 – 45:14

Yes, it’s here. We can go inside.

45:18 – 45:23

My Khumalo ancestors, these are the “cows” that are fetching the bride.

45:24 – 45:28

These are the “cows” that were outstanding after the previous negotiations. They’re complete now.

45:29 – 45:33

I’ll leave it up to you to inform each other as our forefathers, great-grandfathers and grandfathers.

45:34 – 45:37

And our mothers, wives, brothers and all our ancestors. Thank you to you Mzilikazis.

45:38 – 45:40

I hope that you’ve received my message.

45:43 – 45:46

Here is the money, man.

45:47 – 45:49

These are the outstanding “cows”.

45:50 – 45:53

Thank you for the guidance. We promise you that we’ll behave.

45:54 – 45:57

So how long did it take and when did you start with the negotiations?

45:58 – 45:58

Two years ago.

45:59 – 46:02

A few months ago they negotiated and they wanted a lot of money from me.

46:07 – 46:08

Greeting to you the Bhunganes, the Makhulukhulus.

46:14 – 46:16

Greetings. We are the Mkhaliphi family.

46:25 – 46:27

We welcome you, the Mkhaliphi family. You may enter.

46:28 – 46:30

Thank you daughter in-law.

46:31 – 46:32

Let’s go inside.

46:35 – 46:42

We’re not here to negotiate. We’ve already done that. We’re here to fulfill our promise.

46:44 – 46:54

My dear Bhungane family, what we have is incomplete.

46:55 – 47:01

When this issue began, the Mkhaliphi family stated their case.

47:02 – 47:09

We also stated our case and said how much we want as the Hadebe family.

47:11 – 47:16

The Mkhaliphi family complained and we reduced the amount. Is that not so?

47:18 – 47:19

We hear you, father-in-law.

47:20 – 47:27

After reducing the amount, we came to a new agreement about the balance.

47:29 – 47:35

Now you still want to negotiate again, you must be kidding me.

47:36 – 47:37

This is not a game.

47:38 – 47:42

This is not a game. We’ve already reduced the amount before.

47:43 – 47:49

This is disappointing because we were looking forward to “accepting the cattle” today.

47:50 – 47:57

If that’s the case, things need to happen accordingly before we can move forward.

47:58 – 48:02

We want to agree wholeheartedly so that when the groom comes here, he feels at home.

48:03 – 48:07

He must come in freely and not be afraid of any unresolved issues.

48:08 – 48:16

As the Hadebe family, we are not in a rush. Go and get things in order and return later.

48:17 – 48:18

We’ll accept you with open arms.

48:19 – 48:27

Frankly speaking, our daughter is not for sale. She’s not a retail item. This will always be her

48:28 – 48: 30

No. We’re not chasing our child way. We love her.

49:08 – 49:11

Anathi is Xhosa and her husband Malibongwe, is Zulu.

49:13 – 49:19

Anathi is also going through the Lobola process.

49:20 – 49:29

Because we are a Christian home, we’re actually mixing traditional customs and taking our religious accounts

49:30 – 49:31

into consideration.

49:34 – 49:41

 ♪ Greetings! Greetings my relative! ♪

49:47 – 49:50

 ♪ Greetings! Greetings my relative! We love our sister.. ♪

49:52 – 49:57

Our dear relatives, we know that you said you would come to our come.

49:58 – 49:59

What are you seeking today, relatives?

50:00 – 50:02

Today we’re here to conclude the negotiations, Sir.

50:03 – 50:05

And you want to conclude everything today, my relative?

50:07 – 50:14

Yes, everything concerning what we had come to ask for, initially.

50:15 – 50:18

My relative, you’re a real man. My goodness!

50:19 – 50:34

We had come to ask and you said you’d accept what we have, however you’re also expecting

50:35 – 50:38

Because we’re not united as two families yet. Yes. Indeed.

50:39 – 50:40

Thank you, my relative.

50:41 – 50:43

Now that you’ve arrived, make your presence felt, my relative.

50:44 – 50:45

Negotiations are underway now.

50:55 – 50:56

Is it clear, my relative?

51:07 – 51:08

It’s been counted properly.

51:10 – 51:12

That’s two “cows”, Sir.

51:13 – 51:14

How much is it in cash?

51:15 – 51:17

It’s R14 000.

Yes, my relative.

51:18 – 51:21

This “cow” has no companion, my relative. They came together but the other one is missing.

51:22 – 51:23

Where is it?

51:24 – 51:31

We were told that all 15 “cows” would be here. But now there are only 14.

51:33 – 51:34

This is a tongue twister, my relative.

51:35 – 51:44

We can’t talk about the “cows” that were sent to you before, my relative.

51:45 – 51:47

This what we were instructed to bring today.

51:48 – 51:54

There is no need for us to look for letters or records.

51:5 – 52:03

I love what you said about not referring back to the “cows” that were sent previously.

52:04 – 52:07

We don’t know those “cows” and neither do you.

52:08 – 52:11

But this is what we have been sent here with, today.

52:12 – 52:21

My relative, you are guilty of not informing me about this situation. You see what I mean?

52:22 – 52:23

You’re behaving like a “boy” now.

52:24 – 52:25

I agree, my relative. Indeed.

52:26 – 52:33

Sometimes when you walk, you trip. Sometimes when you look, something gets in your eye.

52:34 – 52:37

Do you understand? These things happen. Indeed.

52:39 – 52:42

Okay, my relative. We understand.

52:43 – 52:47

You need to move from here because that is where the women will sit.

52:48 – 52:53

Greetings, my relatives. We’re happy to hear that things went well.

52:56 – 53:02

As the women of this family, we’d like to ask for a few things from our relatives.

53:03 – 53:13

There are things that need to be given to us as mothers. There are sweets for the grandmothers.

53:19 – 53:24

Here are the mothers sweets and the mothers biscuits.

53:43 – 53:51

We want to find out what Lobola is and why it is important.

53:52 – 53:57

Why do we have to do it? What is our role as women in the process?

53:58 – 54:14

From my knowledge, I’d say Lobola is a token of building a friendship between the two families.

54:15 – 54:20

It seems as though the girl is being sold but it’s not like that.

54:21 – 54:28

Here’s this boy coming from somewhere far and he wants to “take” your daughter and you don’t know him.

54:29 – 54:34

If there’s no Lobola and it’s just based on love, it means you’re giving your child away for free. You can’t do that.

54:35 – 54:41

I’d like to say that’s the purpose of Lobola. You can’t just say, “Here’s my child, take her and go stay with her”.

54:42 – 54:44

“Love is all that counts”. We don’t believe in that idea like white people.

54:45 – 54:49

With us, there has to be a token, no matter how expensive it may be.

54:50 – 54:57

There has to be a token that symbolises your commitment because over time, people also separate.

54:58 – 55:05

A man must commit himself so that he remembers how much he struggled to get his wife.

55:06 – 55:15

Another reason why Lobola is expensive is because the cost of living is also increasing.

55:16 – 55:22

Don’t blame someone when they ask for R100 000. They’re not selling their child.

55:23 – 55:26

Those are the costs related to the wedding.

55:27 – 55:34

You lose your money and your daughter. She’s gone for good. So is your money.

55:35 – 55:40

So Lobola is expensive because weddings are also expensive these days.

55:41 – 55:50

A person is valuable. She’s been well raised. Everything has been done for her.

55:51 – 56:03

She’s been well taken care of and she’s educated. You can’t just say “go” after all that hard work.

56:04 – 56:12

It’s like you’re disregarding the energy and the intelligence that went into raising them.

56:13 – 56:19

Let’s do away with this notion of “selling a person”. You can’t sell a person.

56:20 – 56:25

An individual’s personhood is priceless, as I say in Xhosa.

56:26 – 56:29

It’s the best way to say, “we value each other”.

56:30 – 56:37

And this child who is leaving your home is not just a paper doll.

56:38 – 56:49

But things have changed a bit. Now it also happens that when the two lovers meet together

56:50 – 57:00

…they conspire about paying the Lobola together. To make the process quicker, 50% might come from the wife.

57:01 – 57:16

You find that privately, part of the Lobola is taken from her salary and given to the man to give to her family.

57:18 – 57:25

That also happens and it takes away the dignity of the woman.

57:26 – 57:28

In our culture, there is a saying…

57:29 – 57:32

“The beauty of a man is measured in cattle”.

57:33 – 57:41

No matter how ugly a man is, he earns respect by acquiring cattle.

57:42 – 57:49

Some say it’s about the uniting of families but others say its also about bringing the ancestors together.

57:50 – 57:52

The ancestors also need to be united.

57:53 – 57:54

Who are the ancestors?

57:55 – 57:58

The ancestors. In your language, they’re called “izinyanya”.

58:00 – 58:01

That’s what people say.

58:03 – 58:06

I think Lobola is a good thing because it gets the families much closer.

58:07- 58:10

And it’s a thing of the past that our ancestors have been using for quite some time.

58:11 – 58:14

And why should we want to change it? And why should we want to question it?

58:15 – 58:18

Get it done. If you’re a man, you’re a man.

58:19 – 58:19

Pay up.

58:20 – 58:24

Because if it comes back to haunt you at a later stage, you’ll suffer.

58:31 – 58:34

What should I do? Get down on my knees?

58:35 – 58:37

Yes, kneel down.

-     How? Like this?

58:38 – 58:38

Good.

58:39 – 58:44

Okay, and then I… It’s very heavy.

-     Yes.

58:45 – 58:46

Good.

-     Oh my goodness.

58:47 – 58:48

How is it?

58:52 – 58:56

For instance, when you separate, there’s no divorce.

58:57 – 59:04

Bile from the cow’s gallbladder is poured on you by your family and you in-laws, meaning there’s no divorce.

59:05 – 59:07

You’re erased from your family. You don’t have a leg to stand on.

59:08 – 59:10

So when you’ve got problems, you can’t just run back home?

59:11 – 59:12

You can go home and report issues.

59:13 – 59:20

When we escourt you from our home to theirs, we tell them that you don’t have scratches and you’re well fed.

59:21 – 59:22

Don’t hit her. Don’t kill her.

59:23 – 59:26

She’s clean and beautiful. If you can’t handle her, bring her back to us.

59:27 – 59:30

If you’ve done something wrong and it’s serious, you need to come home.

59:31 – 59:31

Such as?

59:32 – 59:38

It depends. He could have beaten you up or you could have had an affair.

59:39 – 59:42

Even if you’re impregnated by your affair partner, there’s no need to chase you away.

59:43 – 59:44

As a married woman?

-     Yes!

59: 45 – 59:47

There’s no need to chase you away.

-     Even if it’s another man’s child?

59:48 – 59:50

Yes, he must forgive you. Everyone can come to an agreement and he can be paid a fine.

59:51 – 59:56

The child doesn’t belong to your affair partner. The child belongs to the one who paid the “cows”.

59:57 – 59:59

The same applies to your surname and your kist. They belong to that man.

1:14:01 – 1:14:02

It wasn’t like that with us.

1:14:05 – 1:14:08

But marriage was harder back then. Wasn’t it harder back then?

1:14:09 – 1:14:11

I think it was harder.

1:14:12 – 1:14:14

You have no morals. No respect.

-We have no morals?

1:14:15 – 1:14:17

Oh Granny…

-     You don’t have it!

1:14:18 – 1:14:19

You see me?

-     Yes, Granny.

1:14:20 – 1:14:25

I’m a 100 years old.

-     100?!

1:14:26 – 1:14:29

And I’m telling you, you have no morals.

1:14:32 – 1:14:33

Thank you Granny.

1:14:34 – 1:14:36

Mandisa go to the bedroom and get me something to blow my nose with.

1:14:40 – 1:14:44

I heard you. You really sang your hearts out, shame.

1:14:46 – 1:14:55

 ♪ Open for us, we are entering. Knock, knock. We are entering.  ♪

1:14:56 – 1:15:10

 ♪ Ntebaleng you failed to choose well. You chose a fool, a foolish husband! ♪

1:15:11 – 1:15:15

 ♪ Let’s go back home. ♪

1:15:16 – 1:15:18

Greetings. Welcome to our home.

1:15:19 – 1:15:22

I’m the Aunt of the groom.

1:15:23 – 1:15:40

I’d like to ask these two children, from today, to respect us, the Mhlanga and Rathebe family.

1:15:41 – 1:15:48

From today, we are of the same flesh. There’s no Tsonga, Sotho etc. That doesn’t apply anymore.

1:15:50 – 1:15:59

The elders will advise the bride and they will do the same with the groom.

1:16:00 – 1:16:03

They’ll speak to them in front of one another.

1:16:04 – 1:16:10

Persevere. You need to know how to swallow a stone. Have a strong heart. Be resilient.

1:16:11 – 1:16:17

No matter how hard it is. You said “I’m going there”. You agreed.

1:16:18 – 1:16:23

Even when you sleep without food, you need to have a ‘gearbox’ like a car.

1:16:24 – 1:16:26

Be a car that can move without a battery or an engine. You hear me?

1:16:29 – 1:16:32

Can anyone sing me a Tsonga song?

1:16:33 – 1:16:40

 ♪ It’s amazing to give birth. ♪

1:16:41 – 1:16:45

We have a bride today, and I’m sitting next to her.

1:16:47 – 1:16:56

We’ll wipe each other’s tears. Counsel each other day and night. When her husband troubles her, she’ll turn to me.

1:16:57 – 1:17:03

And I’ll say to him, “Hey, what are you doing? Have you forgotten that you fetched her from her

1:17:05 – 1:17:09

 ♪ It’s amazing to give birth. ♪

1:17:13 – 1:17:17

I was uncomfortable with the fact that Lobola is framed as a heteronormative practise

1:17:18 – 1:17:23

so I went to speak to Wiseman and Jackie, a same-sex couple I had met over a decade ago,

1:17:24 – 1:17:25

when I directed my first documentary.

1:17:35– 1:17:37

Then we decided to go book at Home Affairs.

1:17:38 – 1:17:42

We would have been married ages ago but we didn’t want a fake marriage.

1:17:43 – 1:17:48

Because there are lots of gay people who claim to be the first to get married blah, blah, blah…

1:17:49 – 1:17:53

because they decided to get married before same-sex marriage was legalized.

1:17:54 – 1:18:00

So we were waiting for the right time. We wanted to do the proper thing in a lawful way.

1:18:04 – 1:18:08

We wanted to honour our culture.

1:18:09 – 1:18:15

We wanted people to know that being gay is not a “white thing”, it exists amongst African people.

1:18:16 – 1:18:23

Let’s go for traditional things. Our outfits were traditional Zulu outfits and yeah…

1:18:24 – 1:18:26

It’s all about uniting families and ancestors.

1:18:28 – 1:18:33

Back then, they were referring to actual cattle and not money, like today.

1:18:34 – 1:18:39

It’s an agreement between the two families to say now we’re related.

1:18:40 -1:18:46

There’s only one person who is leaving their family. The other person is receiving that person.

1:18:49 – 1:18:55

The ‘taker’ must be the one who pays the Lobola. He unites the two families.

1:18:56 – 1:19:00

You’re going to be part of his family hence we go back to the surname issue.

1:19:01 – 1:19:06

That’s why you must change surnames. If Lobola is paid, we need to know who’s who and who belongs where.

1:19:08 – 1:19:11

You see? Otherwise you’re still part of your family and I’m still part of mine.

1:19:12 – 1:19:16

It’s like we’ve given our parents money for nothing and wasted the Lobola.

1:19:17 – 1:19:26

Sometimes even older couples with grandchildren still need to go back and get married.

1:19:27 – 1:19:36

If the Granny didn’t get married the proper way, it blocks the blessings of coming generations.

1:19:43 – 1:19:48

Now that I had delved deeper into Lobola, I was certain about 3 things:

1:19:49 – 1:19:54

(1) The robust discussions that take place between the families are a bonding exercise.

1:19:55 – 1:19:57

Discussing money reveals character.

1:19:59 – 1:20:03

(2) Lobola is a way of thanking and honouring your ancestors, especially deceased family members

1:20:04 – 1:20:06

who played an active role in raising you.

1:20:08 – 1:20:16

(3) From the perspective of African spirituality, rejecting Lobola can have far-reaching consequences for a marriage.

1:20:18 – 1:20:23

In spite of this, I was still deeply uncomfortable with the transactional and patriarchal elements of the practice.

1:20:24 – 1:20:27

I still didn’t understand why money had to exchange hands…

1:20:28 – 1:20:35

I was still hesitant about adhering to certain socially constructed gender roles as a ‘’wife to be.’’

1:20:42 – 1:20:46

With my wedding less than a month away, I turned to my mentor, Xoliswa Sithole,

1:20:47 – 1:20:49

to reflect on the lessons learnt during my journey.

1:20:50 – 1:20:52

You’ve been with me from the beginning of the journey up until now.

1:20:53 – 1:20:56

How do you think I’ve changed and grown?

1:20:57 – 1:21:00

You were very conflicted about Lobola. You have created an understanding

1:21:01 – 1:21:09

of what this important culture practice means for you.

1:21:10 – 1:21:22

A lot of Nguni indigenous cultures are very important. The ancestors come together to bless a union.

1:21:23 – 1:21:31

And the whole notion of Lobola becomes even more important when children are born.

1:21:32 – 1:21:39

The monetization of it is a huge problem for me. Families have become greedy.

1:21:40 – 1:21:46

You don’t even have two cows to rub together and you want fifteen cows.

1:21:47 – 1:21:50

Why is it only women who get Lobola paid for?

1:21:52 – 1:21:56

The man took care of the woman. Traditionally.

1:21:57 – 1:22:02

When I met you, you were wanting to control yourself and control the process.

1:22:03 – 1:22:06

And I said to you, you need to surrender and you need to be vulnerable.

1:22:07 – 1:22:10

We don’t know where this thing is going to take us. Yes.

1:22:12 – 1:22:16

And what I like about the new Sihle, it’s not a new Sihle, it’s just a better Sihle

1:22:17 – 1:22:20

is the fact that you’ve been respectful about this process all along.

1:22:23 – 1:22:28

My quest for answers was both emotionally and psychologically draining.

1:22:30 – 1:22:35

My bestfriend of 18 years, Nosimo Zwane, was the only person who could provide me with the kind of

1:22:36 – 1:22:39

support and validation that I so desperately needed.

1:22:40 – 1:22:45

When you’re about to get married, people say marriage is difficult. It’s hard work.

1:22:46 – 1:22:50

Like why does it have to be like that? I’m not saying it will be smooth sailings,

1:22:51 – 1:22:56

obviously there’ll be conflict. Disagreements too. It’s to be expected when two different people

1:22:57 – 1:23:00

are working towards a common goal. It happens at work, it happens at church,

1:23:01 – 1:23:06

…anywhere people meet. But don’t introduce me to this supposedly beautiful thing

1:23:07 – 1:23:09

by preparing me for the worst.

1:23:10 – 1:23:12

Oh, I’m going to be cheated on. Lied to.

1:23:13 – 1:23:16

It’s going to be difficult. My in-laws are going to mistreat me.

1:23:17 – 1:23:18

You know?

1:23:19 – 1:23:22

Where do my partner and I fit into all of that?

1:23:23 – 1:23:26

Because in the beginning, there was me and him. And in the end, it will just be the two of us.

1:23:27 – 1:23:27

What do we want? Exactly.

1:23:28 – 1:23:28

You know?

1:23:29 – 1:23:31

If you’re talking about Lobola, pure, proper Lobola,

1:23:32 – 1:23:36

…there’s bile, communicating with ancestors… there are deep rituals.

1:23:37 – 1:23:40

And we don’t want to do them. We want to do what’s convenient and fun and beneficial

1:23:41 – 1:23:42

I don’t mind the uniting of families.

1:23:43 – 1:23:45

Where does money fit into all of that?

1:23:46 – 1:23:49

I’m still trying to figure that out. If it’s used for the wedding, why can’t the couple just use it for

1:23:50 – 1:23:52

the wedding like my partner and I? Without going through the whole…

1:23:53 – 1:23:55

You know what I mean? If like, you want to test that you can raise money,

1:23:56 – 1:23:57

you can still raise money for the wedding.

1:23:58 – 1:23:58

I hear you.

1:23:59 – 1:24:00

You know what I mean?

1:24:01 – 1:24:03

But I asked myself, ‘’Can I do something I don’t believe in?’’

1:24:04 – 1:24:06

Even if it’s for one day. Even if it’s for one day.

1:24:07 – 1:24:08

Thee day, actually.

1:24:09 – 1:24:12

Thank you, my friend. What are you going to wear or is it a surprise?

1:24:13 – 1:24:15

What’s the theme again? African… Wakanda.

1:24:16 – 1:24:18

Says the person who hasn’t watched Wakanda. Neither have I.

1:24:19 – 1:24:23

I’m going to wear a Serena catsuit. I’m joking. Which catsuit is that?

1:24:24 – 1:24:28

Serena Williams wore a catsuit that was Black Panther inspired.

1:24:29 – 1:24:30

Oh.

1:24:40 – 1:24:44

Even though my family had made peace with my decision to reject Lobola,

1:24:45 – 1:24:48

they were worried that it would cast a dark cloud on my upcoming wedding.

1:24:49 – 1:24:52

I was summoned by Gogo Joyce to explain myself.

1:24:53 – 1:24:56

-     Knock, Knock. I’m coming!

1:24:57 – 1:25:01

I’ve been to Nelspruit, I’ve been to Eswatini. And there are all these…Yes…

1:25:02 – 1:25:04

We’re bringing the ancestors together now.

1:25:05 – 1:25:12

It’s not just you and your husband coming together. Families are coming together.

1:25:13 – 1:25:23

Because you’re not getting married in Eswatini, at your father’s home,

1:25:24 – 1:25:34

or at your mother’s home in Mpumalanga, we need to communicate with the ancestors and apologise firstly,

1:25:35 – 1:25:46

because you’ve broken from tradition. So we’re asking for forgiveness and for this to go well.

1:25:47 – 1:25:49

And for your marriage to be successful.

1:25:50 – 1:25:53

Being an African is so hard. It’s so complex. Exactly.

1:25:54 – 1:26:00

You’ll hear people saying that something went wrong when you got married.

1:26:01 – 1:26:03

And it will be because you didn’t follow this process.

1:26:04 – 1:26:05

I hear you.

1:26:07 – 1:26:15

To respect the uniting of families, don’t just end at rings and lunch.

1:26:16 – 1:26:19

It must be this culture of exchanging gifts.

1:26:21 – 1:26:32

Or you can even slaughter a goat or a sheep. The spilling of the blood and bile acknowledges both families.

1:26:38 – 1:26:45

I didn’t take Gogo Joyce’s warnings lightly. In fact, they made me revisit my decision all over again.

1:26:46 – 1:26:51

Unfortunately, it was too late to postpone the civil wedding.

1:26:55 – 1:27:02

My partner was also torn. On one hand, he was concerned that my family would consider him disrespectful.

1:27:03 – 1:27:05

On the other hand, he wanted to support my decision.

1:27:06 – 1:27:11

In spite of our misgivings, we went ahead with the wedding preparations.

1:27:29 – 1:27:35

With the buy in of both our families, my partner and I manifested a wedding that was uniquely us.

1:27:36 – 1:27:43

If we were going to question African cultural practices, then we had to do exactly the same with Western cultural practices.

1:27:44 – 1:27:53

No bouquets. No rings. No white dresses. No changing of surnames and no religious wedding vows.

1:27:54 – 1:28:01

Just a simple celebration of two people committed to spending the rest of their days together.

1:28:03 – 1:28:04

You’ll make us cry too.

1:28:05 – 1:28:06

We don’t want to cry.

1:28:07 – 1:28:12

We are happy, overwhelmed by the day. The day has arrived.

1:28:13 – 1:28:13

Yes.

1:28:14 – 1:28:15

But don’t cry.

1:28:20 – 1:28:26

God has his plan or her plan.

1:28:27 – 1:28:32

But then, he made it possible that we should be here,

1:28:33 – 1:28:45

to comfort you, cherish you, strengthen you and encourage you that you have taken a positive

1:28:46 – 1:28:49

life step in your life.

1:28:50 – 1:29:02

Now, this is the life you designed and built for yourself so this day, God knew that this day

1:29:03 – 1:29:04

was going to come.

1:29:06 – 1:29:10

We have to guide you properly,

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…on the path that your mother also walked when she got married.

1:29:30 – 1:29:35

You are my best friend and I thank you for that. I thank you for sharing so much of your life with me,

1:29:36 – 1:29:39

and being there for me in everything that I’ve been through.

1:29:40 - 1:29:46

And thank you for loving me the way you have, holding space for me and understanding me for who I am,

1:29:47 – 1:29:51

and not trying to change me but embrace me in that way.

1:29:52 – 1:29:53

And errr…

1:30:08 – 1:30:16

I love you and I promise to love you and be there with you, for you, in everything,

1:30:17 – 1:30:21

the way we’ve been doing and even better, going into the future.

1:30:22 – 1:30:23

Thank you for loving me.

1:30:24 – 1:30:28

The wedding was unique. Beautiful. A breath of fresh air.

1:30:29 – 1:30:35

But if I had the opportunity to turn back the hands of time, I wouldn’t have rejected Lobola.

1:30:36 - 1:30:40

This decision robbed me of the opportunity to honour the deceased members of my family.

1:30:41 – 1:30:46

My late parents, my grandparents, the uncles and aunts who raised me.

1:30:47 – 1:30:50

This is something I will always regret deeply.

1:31:51 – 1:31:55

Does he know that you’re covering it up, though?

- No.

1:31:59 – 1:32:01

Well would you do it again then? Would you marry again?

1:32:02 – 1:32:08

I’m Elizabeth Taylor, I can marry tomorrow. I think Miriam Makeba as well. I’m Miriam Makeba.

1:32:09 – 1:32:11

But you not dating anyone now?

1:32:14 – 1:32:16

Oh wow.

I don’t want to assume.

1:32:19 – 1:32:21

I’m practising circular dating.

1:32:34 – 1:32:36

Is Lobola a bride’s true price?

1:32:38 – 1:32:40

Definitely not.

1:32:47 – 1:32:49

But is the price of being a bride too high?

1:32:51 – 1:32:52

In most cases, yes.

1:33:01 – 1:33:06

Once money and livestock exchange hands, the expectations placed on the bride

1:33:07 – 1:33:10

are much higher than those placed on the groom.

1:33:11 – 1:33:15

And as long as patriarchy and capitalism influence how we approach Lobola,

1:33:20 – 1:33:22

it will continue to be a bone of contention.

1:33:29 – 1:33:38

This is unfortunate because when all is said and done, Lobola is beautiful and deeply spiritual practise.