00:00:49.160 --> 00:00:52.360
[woman] I dreamed I was out in space

00:00:53.480 --> 00:00:56.400
in a spaceship of some kind.

00:00:56.480 --> 00:00:59.520
And we were in trouble.

00:00:59.600 --> 00:01:06.560
And I was on some kind
of communication device,

00:01:06.640 --> 00:01:08.640
like a phone.

00:01:09.960 --> 00:01:12.720
And calling to Earth.

00:01:14.800 --> 00:01:20.120
And there was no one there to rescue us.

00:01:22.280 --> 00:01:25.280
We were responsible for ourselves.

00:01:27.160 --> 00:01:32.280
And I woke up realizing
that God was not coming,

00:01:32.360 --> 00:01:35.120
Jesus was not coming.

00:01:37.480 --> 00:01:41.560
All of the things
that we had been told about salvation...

00:01:46.640 --> 00:01:50.440
was... a myth.

00:02:26.040 --> 00:02:29.040
[deep breathing]

00:02:35.800 --> 00:02:37.280
[woman] Breathing in.

00:02:39.680 --> 00:02:43.640
Breathing out any tension you have.

00:02:46.400 --> 00:02:49.800
To be comfortable and relaxed,
and feel safe.

00:02:52.240 --> 00:02:54.560
Feel safe and secure.

00:02:57.120 --> 00:03:02.080
And, gradually, you can go back in time

00:03:02.160 --> 00:03:06.640
and picture yourself at age four.

00:03:08.960 --> 00:03:11.040
And then you can think about

00:03:11.840 --> 00:03:16.400
is this an innocent child,
or does this child carry original sin?

00:03:22.000 --> 00:03:27.120
Should this child be any different
in order to be acceptable?

00:03:29.280 --> 00:03:32.720
And see if you can tell
your four-year-old,

00:03:34.360 --> 00:03:40.360
"I love and accept you as you are.
There's nothing wrong with who you are."

00:03:42.160 --> 00:03:44.160
[sobbing]

00:03:50.800 --> 00:03:53.840
[indistinct chatter]

00:03:53.920 --> 00:03:56.680
[Marlene] How was this exercise for you?

00:03:56.760 --> 00:04:01.640
I cried when you got to the...
when you got to the four-year-old.

00:04:01.720 --> 00:04:03.720
The four-year-old?

00:04:09.400 --> 00:04:13.040
'Cause, uh, the thing is... is, uh...

00:04:13.920 --> 00:04:16.440
I think I also did that to my kids.

00:04:18.080 --> 00:04:21.640
-Judged them and disciplined early on.
-Mmm.

00:04:21.720 --> 00:04:26.760
And I... I... I just hate the thought
that I could do it to anybody.

00:04:27.440 --> 00:04:32.120
Um... But I, uh...
seeing that I've done that to myself...

00:04:32.200 --> 00:04:35.520
you sort of just relive...
you don't know anything different.

00:04:35.600 --> 00:04:40.640
You just kind of go on and do
the same thing to the next generation.

00:04:40.720 --> 00:04:44.480
But I'm happy
it's not like that these days.

00:04:44.560 --> 00:04:46.920
[Marlene] What was this like for you?

00:04:47.000 --> 00:04:50.600
[woman] I had a lot easier time
giving myself, I don't know, credit,

00:04:50.680 --> 00:04:54.320
or feeling more innocent at four
years old, but as I get older, I just…

00:04:54.400 --> 00:04:57.600
Or just frustrated for not questioning,
not saying something,

00:04:57.680 --> 00:04:59.560
'cause I knew something wasn't right.

00:05:03.120 --> 00:05:05.320
[Marlene] Who would like to start?

00:05:06.560 --> 00:05:10.640
Um, I haven't talked a lot about my story.
I don't think...

00:05:10.720 --> 00:05:12.640
-What's your name?
-Kari.

00:05:12.720 --> 00:05:14.280
Kari. That's right.

00:05:14.360 --> 00:05:17.040
Until about four years ago,

00:05:17.560 --> 00:05:23.360
I didn't really know or associate
with anyone, ever, who was not Adventist.

00:05:23.440 --> 00:05:25.480
Not a single person.

00:05:25.560 --> 00:05:30.800
Um... I was afraid of...

00:05:34.680 --> 00:05:36.080
hell.

00:05:37.680 --> 00:05:40.080
Going down the wrong path.

00:05:40.160 --> 00:05:44.560
That, like you said,
that my life would be miserable.

00:05:44.640 --> 00:05:51.000
That... That I am nothing,
and that I would be nothing without God.

00:05:55.600 --> 00:05:59.560
I was five, and this little girl
comes up in the schoolyard.

00:05:59.640 --> 00:06:04.080
She's just this hippie, free-spirit,
beautiful little freckled child.

00:06:04.160 --> 00:06:06.720
And she kissed me on the cheek,

00:06:06.800 --> 00:06:11.160
and that was the moment I knew
I wanted her to do it again, like...

00:06:11.240 --> 00:06:17.120
And so I knew simultaneously
in that moment that I liked girls

00:06:17.200 --> 00:06:23.200
and that also...
I had to never tell anyone.

00:06:23.280 --> 00:06:26.640
And I don't know
how I knew that so young,

00:06:26.720 --> 00:06:29.920
but it was so deeply known.

00:06:30.000 --> 00:06:31.880
Um...

00:06:31.960 --> 00:06:36.920
And it just began this pattern
of hiding and lies.

00:06:37.000 --> 00:06:42.760
And... when I've said
to my friends or my partner,

00:06:42.840 --> 00:06:46.080
"You know, I... I grew up
very oppressed,"

00:06:46.160 --> 00:06:48.160
they don't understand what that means.

00:06:49.360 --> 00:06:51.040
They...

00:07:00.040 --> 00:07:03.840
You're doing great. Hang in there.

00:07:03.920 --> 00:07:05.000
[sobs]

00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:23.240
[ringing tone]

00:07:23.560 --> 00:07:26.720
-There you are. Hi!
-Hey!

00:07:26.800 --> 00:07:29.040
-How are you?
-Good. How are you?

00:07:29.120 --> 00:07:31.640
I'm good. We just finished dinner.

00:07:31.720 --> 00:07:37.400
But it's... it's weirdly comfortable.
Like... I don't know.

00:07:37.480 --> 00:07:41.520
I just feel like I've been here
way longer than a day.

00:07:41.600 --> 00:07:43.800
-Right.
-Mm-hm.

00:07:46.480 --> 00:07:51.640
And then, of course, like, you know,
everybody is crying,

00:07:51.720 --> 00:07:54.400
but I'm crying the most.

00:07:54.480 --> 00:07:56.600
I'm sure you're shocked by that.

00:07:56.680 --> 00:07:59.440
-You are the tear factory.
-Yeah.

00:07:59.520 --> 00:08:00.760
Yeah.

00:08:05.920 --> 00:08:10.280
Um, I'm Isabel. Um...

00:08:10.360 --> 00:08:14.880
I'm from Norway, um, the south coast,

00:08:14.960 --> 00:08:17.360
where... they call it the Bible Belt.

00:08:17.440 --> 00:08:19.320
[laughter]

00:08:19.400 --> 00:08:24.680
Lots of Evangelical Christians
living there. Yeah.

00:08:24.760 --> 00:08:29.960
I told my family that I was going here,
um, and I'm...

00:08:30.040 --> 00:08:35.000
I don't know if I regret that or not,
but I... I almost didn't come.

00:08:35.080 --> 00:08:37.680
I tried to cancel my ticket, actually,

00:08:37.760 --> 00:08:45.160
because I felt so bad about coming here
and, um... because of my family.

00:08:45.240 --> 00:08:50.960
I feel like I am going against them,
or... or, um...

00:08:53.920 --> 00:08:57.600
yeah, like I'm doing something bad,
in a way.

00:08:57.680 --> 00:09:03.480
So now they're all bombarding me
with text messages, with Bible verses.

00:09:03.560 --> 00:09:08.160
And they gathered
for a family meeting to pray,

00:09:08.240 --> 00:09:12.560
because of the "devil's attack"
on my family.

00:09:12.640 --> 00:09:16.200
They think that the devil
is attacking my family for me leaving.

00:09:16.280 --> 00:09:18.480
And the stupid thing is
that that scares me too.

00:09:18.560 --> 00:09:21.760
Because I'm scared of the devil,
if you know what I mean.

00:09:24.600 --> 00:09:26.080
[Marlene] Thank you.

00:09:37.720 --> 00:09:40.600
[Isabel] I remember
when I was six or seven,

00:09:40.680 --> 00:09:43.920
and I walked home from my friend's house.

00:09:52.760 --> 00:09:57.760
And I thought I saw shadows
that I thought were demons.

00:10:04.560 --> 00:10:07.560
But when I talked
to my parents about this,

00:10:08.960 --> 00:10:12.880
they couldn't tell me
that it wasn't real, you know.

00:10:16.040 --> 00:10:19.160
But I still have this weird thought
coming into my head,

00:10:19.240 --> 00:10:25.280
if I'm going to my house alone,
and I know that no one's there,

00:10:27.720 --> 00:10:31.080
"What if the devil is sitting
on my kitchen table when I get home?"

00:10:40.080 --> 00:10:43.080
[chiming]

00:10:50.480 --> 00:10:53.120
My name is Jeff, from Seattle.

00:10:54.000 --> 00:11:00.120
I'm hopeful, um...
and that came just on the flight here.

00:11:00.200 --> 00:11:01.200
Um...

00:11:07.320 --> 00:11:10.320
I don't know if I can really do this.

00:11:17.920 --> 00:11:19.360
Um...

00:11:21.080 --> 00:11:23.560
I can relate to your anger.

00:11:25.360 --> 00:11:29.320
-"Mental-costal," whatever you call it.
-[laughter]

00:11:29.400 --> 00:11:33.480
I mean, I've been through
so many churches. Um...

00:11:33.560 --> 00:11:37.800
Even thinking about if my brothers,
or if my mom was alive

00:11:37.880 --> 00:11:43.520
and was gonna watch
what I'm saying right now,

00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:45.120
there's fear.

00:11:49.680 --> 00:11:55.600
[exhales] Um... So, I'll...
I'll just try to streamline it.

00:11:55.680 --> 00:12:00.160
I grew up in Menlo Park Presbyterian
down the road.

00:12:00.240 --> 00:12:06.200
And my parents, my mom,
married a pedophile.

00:12:06.280 --> 00:12:10.840
Didn't... Didn't sexually abuse me,
but, um, it was a mess,

00:12:10.920 --> 00:12:15.840
and they moved to Utah
to save the Mormons from hell,

00:12:15.920 --> 00:12:19.240
'cause they were satanic and, um...

00:12:19.320 --> 00:12:22.320
It's just so effing confusing.

00:12:23.400 --> 00:12:30.080
And so back 2000,
I started to, uh... get mad.

00:12:30.160 --> 00:12:34.240
Outwardly mad.
Just like, this is a... Yeah.

00:12:34.320 --> 00:12:36.600
And so I didn't know anybody
for two decades.

00:12:36.680 --> 00:12:39.360
I've not known anybody till now.

00:12:57.320 --> 00:13:01.520
I'm gonna check the engine,
serpentine belt,

00:13:01.600 --> 00:13:07.280
that it's not frayed, cracked,
or signs of wear.

00:13:07.360 --> 00:13:12.360
And check that the tension of the belt

00:13:12.440 --> 00:13:17.520
is... does not deflect more than a half
to three quarters of an inch

00:13:17.600 --> 00:13:20.800
when... from the center of the belt.

00:13:22.880 --> 00:13:24.320
Not bad.

00:13:27.000 --> 00:13:30.000
[tap running]

00:13:41.240 --> 00:13:42.720
Mmm.

00:13:42.800 --> 00:13:44.800
[knocking]

00:13:45.840 --> 00:13:47.200
Huh.

00:13:48.040 --> 00:13:49.720
-Hey.
-Hello! How are you doing?

00:13:49.800 --> 00:13:52.080
-Good! I'm doing well.
-I'm Sister McLelland.

00:13:52.160 --> 00:13:55.240
I've... I've seen you.
Maybe you. I don't know. You?

00:13:55.320 --> 00:13:56.680
-Probably.
-You might have.

00:13:56.760 --> 00:13:59.480
-Yeah.
-We're all over the place.

00:13:59.560 --> 00:14:03.120
-There's quite a few of us around here.
-Yeah, I know. It's cool. Yeah.

00:14:03.200 --> 00:14:07.520
Absolutely. So, did you get to hear
about the Book of Mormon at all?

00:14:07.600 --> 00:14:12.280
Um, yes. Uh... You know,
I'm gonna tell you straight up.

00:14:12.360 --> 00:14:16.160
-Absolutely. I wanna hear it.
-My parents were highly religious.

00:14:16.240 --> 00:14:17.800
Very Christian.

00:14:17.880 --> 00:14:23.080
And they went to Utah
to actually save you guys.

00:14:23.160 --> 00:14:26.680
That's OK. We've heard
a lot of misconceptions about us.

00:14:26.760 --> 00:14:30.440
And we... I mean, this message
is so important to us

00:14:30.520 --> 00:14:34.440
that we've dedicated 18 months of our
lives to be able to come and share this.

00:14:34.520 --> 00:14:36.400
Very far away from... I'm from Idaho,

00:14:36.480 --> 00:14:39.080
and I haven't seen my family
in six months,

00:14:39.160 --> 00:14:42.160
to be able to come
and to be able to share this message.

00:14:42.240 --> 00:14:46.840
That's cool. So, can I ask,
was there a defining moment?

00:14:46.920 --> 00:14:51.000
Oh, yeah. It was kind of like
one of those "ah-ha" moments.

00:14:51.080 --> 00:14:52.400
-I felt like "Wow!"
-Yeah.

00:14:52.480 --> 00:14:56.440
"I'm not the only one out here, and there
is something way more that's going on

00:14:56.520 --> 00:14:59.760
than just a bunch of people
walking around doing their thing."

00:14:59.840 --> 00:15:03.120
-That's big. That's huge.
-Have you ever had that moment for you?

00:15:03.200 --> 00:15:06.560
[Jeff] You know,
that's a really good question,

00:15:06.640 --> 00:15:09.600
because my story is,
I tried many, many times

00:15:09.680 --> 00:15:12.080
and never felt
what everybody else was feeling,

00:15:12.160 --> 00:15:14.680
like saved and that kind of thing.

00:15:14.760 --> 00:15:18.800
So, in a sense, no, I haven't, I guess.

00:15:18.880 --> 00:15:23.240
But I went to Bible college, actually.
I was gonna be a youth minister.

00:15:23.320 --> 00:15:26.120
So, you still believe
that you have a loving Heavenly Father?

00:15:26.200 --> 00:15:28.560
Well, I don't know if I wanna believe it.

00:15:28.640 --> 00:15:30.360
I tried to believe a lot of things

00:15:30.440 --> 00:15:34.840
but just ran into, actually,
a lot of hypocrisy, really, but, yeah.

00:15:34.920 --> 00:15:41.480
-That's the trouble with this world.
-It is. But I wanna feel whatever it is.

00:15:41.560 --> 00:15:43.320
Maybe what you're feeling.

00:15:43.400 --> 00:15:46.480
Yeah. So excited that you wanna go
knocking on doors for it?

00:15:46.560 --> 00:15:48.880
-I don't know if I'm that excited.
-That's OK.

00:15:48.960 --> 00:15:51.800
You're doing a... That's a tough one.

00:15:51.880 --> 00:15:55.640
[laughs] I'm not sure. I need to...

00:15:55.720 --> 00:15:59.000
He will love you no matter what,
no matter what path you go down.

00:15:59.080 --> 00:16:01.960
But he knows what path
is gonna make you the most happy.

00:16:02.040 --> 00:16:05.760
And that's why he gave us
his son, Jesus Christ,

00:16:05.840 --> 00:16:08.800
'cause he knew what path
was gonna make you the most happy,

00:16:08.880 --> 00:16:12.240
and that's what he wanted for you
because of how much he loved you.

00:16:12.320 --> 00:16:14.360
Our whole message
is that God loves you,

00:16:14.440 --> 00:16:17.880
and he wants you to be able
to come back into his presence.

00:16:17.960 --> 00:16:19.880
And so the way
that he's made that possible

00:16:19.960 --> 00:16:21.880
is by giving us his son, Jesus Christ,

00:16:21.960 --> 00:16:25.600
so that we can become clean
to be in his presence forever.

00:16:27.360 --> 00:16:28.440
[whistle blows]

00:16:32.480 --> 00:16:34.200
[whistle blows]

00:16:35.800 --> 00:16:39.560
So many times I've tried to get
that feeling that she...

00:16:42.080 --> 00:16:43.800
she talks about.

00:16:48.520 --> 00:16:52.840
Feeling just unconditional love,
I suppose,

00:16:52.920 --> 00:16:55.920
or that your Father's proud of you.

00:16:57.560 --> 00:16:59.560
God is proud of you.

00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:07.400
But I... I don't get that.
I don't get that at all.

00:17:11.360 --> 00:17:12.600
[exhales]

00:17:14.560 --> 00:17:19.920
And just... I stepped away, um...

00:17:20.960 --> 00:17:26.480
and it feels really good,
but it's such a struggle.

00:17:30.440 --> 00:17:32.840
And if I didn't know better,

00:17:32.920 --> 00:17:37.480
I would underst...
I would be right with her and...

00:17:37.560 --> 00:17:42.040
and just say, "Yeah, let's do it.
This... This is all good."

00:17:45.960 --> 00:17:49.520
But that... that feeling
is so addictive, I think,

00:17:49.600 --> 00:17:52.920
the feeling of, uh... of that,

00:17:53.000 --> 00:17:57.280
what she was talking about,
that feeling is so powerful.

00:17:58.400 --> 00:18:01.400
-[whistle blows]
-[children shouting]

00:18:08.880 --> 00:18:14.640
And we know that families and churches,
not government officials,

00:18:14.720 --> 00:18:19.480
know best how to create
a strong and loving community.

00:18:19.560 --> 00:18:22.640
[applause]

00:18:25.840 --> 00:18:28.200
And above all else, we know this:

00:18:28.280 --> 00:18:32.480
in America, we don't worship government,
we worship God.

00:18:32.560 --> 00:18:35.280
[applause]

00:18:42.000 --> 00:18:45.000
[chanting on TV]

00:18:49.360 --> 00:18:50.880
[whistle blows]

00:18:50.960 --> 00:18:53.480
[sports coach shouting]

00:18:58.560 --> 00:19:00.440
[school bell rings]

00:19:23.600 --> 00:19:26.320
[Marlene] Um, I think people
that come out of religion

00:19:26.400 --> 00:19:28.920
have a lot to learn about self-love.

00:19:31.320 --> 00:19:35.040
I like to use, like,
a little bit of all the arts,

00:19:35.120 --> 00:19:39.520
as well as, you know,
just the heady talk stuff,

00:19:39.600 --> 00:19:44.840
so we're expressing ourselves
as well in different ways.

00:19:44.920 --> 00:19:48.280
I think that in religion,
you're just supposed to be empty,

00:19:48.360 --> 00:19:50.640
so that God can express through you.

00:19:50.720 --> 00:19:53.240
You're just a channel.

00:19:53.320 --> 00:19:55.480
And that's a little crazy.

00:19:55.560 --> 00:19:59.400
And then when you come out of religion,
you feel like you haven't...

00:19:59.480 --> 00:20:02.840
you're not a real person,
you don't have any identity,

00:20:02.920 --> 00:20:08.920
you don't have any...
any, uh, substance to... to offer.

00:20:09.920 --> 00:20:13.080
So, um, let's... let's work on that.

00:20:13.160 --> 00:20:15.880
-Oh.
-[woman laughs]

00:20:15.960 --> 00:20:18.880
[indistinct chatter]

00:20:34.720 --> 00:20:39.880
[Marlene] So, this exercise
is about isolating the sense of taste

00:20:39.960 --> 00:20:43.720
so that you can have yet another
experience of being present in the moment.

00:20:43.800 --> 00:20:46.880
-[man] Especially with caffeine.
-[man 2] Mm-hm.

00:20:46.960 --> 00:20:51.200
[Marlene] OK, try not to talk.
Just do this non-verbally.

00:20:51.280 --> 00:20:55.600
[man] I seldom eat fast.
I almost always take my time.

00:20:55.680 --> 00:20:58.720
He's expressing his emotions
about the food.

00:20:58.800 --> 00:21:01.720
-No?
-[Marlene] No, just focus on the food.

00:21:01.800 --> 00:21:03.840
-[man] OK.
-Just the food.

00:21:03.920 --> 00:21:06.200
[crunching]

00:21:07.240 --> 00:21:10.240
[indistinct chatter and laughter]

00:21:31.320 --> 00:21:34.320
[crunching]

00:21:36.000 --> 00:21:38.560
[stifles laughter]

00:21:43.320 --> 00:21:46.320
[crunching]

00:21:52.760 --> 00:21:57.400
[Marlene] And when you're ready, you can
gently open your eyes and come back.

00:22:01.280 --> 00:22:04.440
Hello, everybody. How do you feel?

00:22:07.440 --> 00:22:13.080
It's... I... I'm trying to figure out
how can I express myself

00:22:13.160 --> 00:22:17.600
to these people that I am pushing away?

00:22:18.640 --> 00:22:19.800
[exhales]

00:22:21.200 --> 00:22:24.480
Um... And feeling bad about that.

00:22:25.320 --> 00:22:26.320
[Marlene] Mmm.

00:22:26.400 --> 00:22:29.560
When I'm here,
I'm seriously hypervigilant.

00:22:29.640 --> 00:22:32.640
-[Marlene] Uh-huh.
-And that's... that's how I feel.

00:22:32.720 --> 00:22:35.800
Like, last night,
I was just analyzing everybody.

00:22:35.880 --> 00:22:38.680
And then I'm feeling, like,
when I get home...

00:22:40.320 --> 00:22:44.280
You know, this is all just
same shit, different day.

00:22:44.360 --> 00:22:49.520
Um, can you think of anything
that would help, that people could do?

00:22:50.240 --> 00:22:52.160
What about people hugging you?
Is that OK?

00:22:52.240 --> 00:22:56.520
Oh, yeah. Well, we're not all
gonna do this out here at once.

00:22:56.600 --> 00:22:59.280
There hasn't been a whole lot of use
of the cuddle corner.

00:22:59.360 --> 00:23:03.720
No, yeah. No, if... Yeah.
No, I'm a hugger.

00:23:03.800 --> 00:23:06.920
I wanna ask if I could give Jeff
some feedback about what he just said.

00:23:07.000 --> 00:23:08.000
[Marlene] Sure.

00:23:09.160 --> 00:23:14.720
Hypervigilance
is an absolutely spectacular skill

00:23:14.800 --> 00:23:17.440
to have and harness.

00:23:20.960 --> 00:23:23.960
[sobs]

00:23:33.720 --> 00:23:34.760
Thank you.

00:23:35.840 --> 00:23:39.000
It's a fucking superpower.

00:23:39.080 --> 00:23:42.240
[laughter]

00:23:42.320 --> 00:23:43.640
I mean, I'm...

00:23:43.720 --> 00:23:46.640
-This is... This is good, I think, yeah.
-Yeah.

00:23:46.720 --> 00:23:49.840
-It really is. Thank you.
-You do.

00:23:50.040 --> 00:23:51.640
-What?
-You know how to hug.

00:23:51.720 --> 00:23:54.200
[laughter]

00:23:56.200 --> 00:23:59.520
I feel like it's a ploy to get me over
to the cuddle corner.

00:23:59.600 --> 00:24:01.120
[laughter]

00:24:01.200 --> 00:24:03.280
Well, I'm capable of that too.

00:24:05.680 --> 00:24:08.360
-I know that.
-But the point is...

00:24:09.960 --> 00:24:12.080
ask.

00:24:12.160 --> 00:24:15.440
-What?
-When you need it, ask for it.

00:24:18.080 --> 00:24:22.360
And it's bouncing off the walls
in abundance here for you.

00:24:26.400 --> 00:24:30.680
[♪ Raul Ferrando: "Yearning"]

00:24:59.400 --> 00:25:02.400
[music continues]

00:25:37.600 --> 00:25:38.600
[music ends]

00:25:48.120 --> 00:25:51.120
[strums gentle tune]

00:26:12.480 --> 00:26:20.000
So, this was in response to the letter
that I wrote to him, my dad.

00:26:23.320 --> 00:26:25.200
"My dearest daughter.

00:26:25.280 --> 00:26:28.120
First of all,
your stepmom and I love you,

00:26:28.200 --> 00:26:30.480
and nothing can ever change that.

00:26:30.560 --> 00:26:33.920
You are my and our daughter,
and I will always love you.

00:26:44.240 --> 00:26:47.280
Secondly, this is not a surprise.

00:26:47.360 --> 00:26:50.520
Your stepmom and I
have been praying for you.

00:26:50.600 --> 00:26:53.480
The Holy Spirit had impressed upon us
for quite some time

00:26:53.560 --> 00:26:56.320
that something wasn't right with you,

00:26:56.400 --> 00:26:59.400
that there was a spiritual battle
going on,

00:26:59.480 --> 00:27:02.680
and it wasn't hard to figure out
what it had to do with.

00:27:02.760 --> 00:27:05.560
We could tell from the people
you've been hanging with,

00:27:05.640 --> 00:27:10.200
your Facebook posts, etcetera,
that you were heading in this direction.

00:27:11.160 --> 00:27:15.440
Third, my biggest concern is for
your spiritual relationship with Christ.

00:27:16.480 --> 00:27:20.000
I can't imagine anyone
living this life in eternity

00:27:20.080 --> 00:27:23.760
without the love of Christ,
especially my own daughter.

00:27:26.080 --> 00:27:29.640
I grieve for what this is going
to cost you and all those who love you.

00:27:29.720 --> 00:27:34.280
Yes, this impacts us all personally
if you go down this road.

00:27:35.080 --> 00:27:39.440
It is a self-inflicted pain
and so unnecessary.

00:27:40.880 --> 00:27:44.240
I'm sure there will be some well-meaning
family members and friends

00:27:44.320 --> 00:27:49.320
who will tell you that, quote, "It's OK.
We just want you to be happy."

00:27:49.400 --> 00:27:54.720
But I do love you too much
to lie to you that way.

00:27:54.800 --> 00:27:56.800
This is not OK.

00:28:02.120 --> 00:28:04.520
The stress and confliction
you are feeling

00:28:04.600 --> 00:28:08.200
are just the result
of a violated conscience.

00:28:08.280 --> 00:28:13.080
The conscience is God's loving
warning system for our eternal soul.

00:28:16.200 --> 00:28:18.840
[continues strumming guitar]

00:28:18.920 --> 00:28:21.600
That being said,
we are sitting on the front porch,

00:28:21.680 --> 00:28:26.320
scouring the horizon, praying
for our beloved daughter's return.

00:28:26.400 --> 00:28:28.840
The choice is yours, of course.

00:28:28.920 --> 00:28:32.200
But should you choose to return,
we will run to you,

00:28:32.280 --> 00:28:35.920
kiss you and hug you,
love you and celebrate you,

00:28:36.000 --> 00:28:39.440
and we will help you
in any way you need.

00:28:39.520 --> 00:28:43.200
Come home, Lindsey. Come home now.

00:28:43.280 --> 00:28:46.480
Quit your job in Minnesota.

00:28:46.560 --> 00:28:50.880
Get away from those who are
influencing you and misleading you.

00:28:50.960 --> 00:28:53.160
Come back here and move in with us.

00:28:53.240 --> 00:28:55.760
We will take care of you
and help you find the way

00:28:55.840 --> 00:29:00.440
to true joy, peace, ease,
and freedom in Christ.

00:29:00.520 --> 00:29:03.040
I love you. Your Dad."

00:29:04.240 --> 00:29:05.400
[sighs]

00:29:23.600 --> 00:29:25.240
[laughter]

00:29:25.320 --> 00:29:27.480
[man] That's a new one.

00:29:53.200 --> 00:29:56.040
-I want the Kevin treatment.
-[laughter]

00:29:56.120 --> 00:29:58.200
-Oh!
-[laughter]

00:29:58.280 --> 00:29:59.800
OK!

00:30:04.520 --> 00:30:06.880
Actually, that was lovely.

00:30:10.840 --> 00:30:12.080
OK, Norm.

00:30:13.520 --> 00:30:18.480
Uh, we grew up
in a pretty conservative German,

00:30:18.560 --> 00:30:21.680
like, you know, discipline-type home.

00:30:21.760 --> 00:30:25.800
Um, but really early on, you know,

00:30:25.880 --> 00:30:28.760
I think, week in, week out,
the message was:

00:30:28.840 --> 00:30:31.400
"You know, you are
a worthless piece of shit,

00:30:31.480 --> 00:30:33.840
but it's only 'cause of
what God's done for you

00:30:33.920 --> 00:30:36.800
that there's any...
that you have any hope, you know."

00:30:36.880 --> 00:30:41.040
And then all these messages
that we just swallow,

00:30:41.120 --> 00:30:44.840
especially when you're kids, right,
that can be so destructive.

00:30:45.800 --> 00:30:48.880
Um, our oldest daughter went to...
ended up going to Wheaton,

00:30:48.960 --> 00:30:52.440
and our son, who is three years younger,
came along.

00:30:52.520 --> 00:30:56.680
He was a really good athlete, um,
and he did really well in high school.

00:30:56.760 --> 00:30:59.680
He spent his junior year in China,
and when he came home as a senior year

00:30:59.760 --> 00:31:02.320
he went that summer
on our church mission's trip.

00:31:02.400 --> 00:31:06.120
And he said, "Dad, I wanna be
in home group," blah, blah, blah.

00:31:06.200 --> 00:31:09.920
His senior year was really hard
for him, and...

00:31:11.040 --> 00:31:13.760
he stopped going to church,
he was really angry,

00:31:13.840 --> 00:31:18.240
and, uh, at the end of the senior year
he committed suicide, uh...

00:31:18.320 --> 00:31:20.320
-[woman] Oh.
-And, uh...

00:31:23.600 --> 00:31:25.280
Um, yeah...

00:31:30.360 --> 00:31:33.240
-[man] Your son died?
-I'm sorry?

00:31:33.320 --> 00:31:35.440
-Was it your son who died?
-Yeah, he was 18.

00:31:35.520 --> 00:31:38.440
-[woman] He took his life.
-[man] He took his life.

00:31:40.320 --> 00:31:44.560
And, oh, the Sunday after he died,
the pastor talked about how this was...

00:31:44.640 --> 00:31:48.600
I think he was trying to help the church
not feel guilty.

00:31:48.680 --> 00:31:52.720
He talked about how this was Andrew's sin
that caused this. I'm like...

00:31:52.800 --> 00:31:56.120
I just, like, wanted to crawl
under the pew, you know.

00:31:56.200 --> 00:31:58.000
Like, how sick is that?

00:31:58.080 --> 00:32:02.760
Kind of like, hey, it's God's deal.
He gets to take Andrew if he wants to.

00:32:02.840 --> 00:32:04.520
It's like the Stockholm syndrome,

00:32:04.600 --> 00:32:08.520
where you identify
with your abuser, in a way.

00:32:09.080 --> 00:32:16.000
So... But the thought of unhooking
from that stuff makes me so happy.

00:32:16.080 --> 00:32:19.320
And I almost feel euphoric
that I don't have to submit

00:32:19.400 --> 00:32:24.240
to that kind of sick thinking,
or the helplessness of all that.

00:32:24.880 --> 00:32:26.960
I want my life back. I can't get it back.

00:32:27.040 --> 00:32:29.320
And I don't regret.
I don't wanna go there.

00:32:29.400 --> 00:32:35.320
But I wanna say, "I wanna be authentic
and honest, and have my life back."

00:32:53.040 --> 00:32:56.040
[woman clicks tongue]

00:32:57.920 --> 00:32:59.800
[whistles]

00:32:59.880 --> 00:33:02.560
[speaks indistinctly]

00:33:02.640 --> 00:33:05.120
[bird chirps]

00:33:10.800 --> 00:33:13.440
I was a very devout Mormon.

00:33:15.640 --> 00:33:18.320
So when I... when I left,

00:33:18.400 --> 00:33:24.680
my whole universe shattered
and turned upside down,

00:33:24.760 --> 00:33:28.520
and everything that I thought was real
was no longer real.

00:33:31.880 --> 00:33:36.040
The grief eventually transformed
into anger.

00:33:38.520 --> 00:33:43.520
I have so much of it that I don't know
what to do with it sometimes.

00:33:48.160 --> 00:33:50.840
God is all-powerful,

00:33:50.920 --> 00:33:55.320
he's the ultimate good,
and he gave us free will,

00:33:55.400 --> 00:34:00.680
and now he is testing us, his creations,
testing us to see if we're good enough,

00:34:00.760 --> 00:34:06.880
and if we're not, we're the ones
that get punished for his fuck-up.

00:34:07.880 --> 00:34:11.680
I will... I will fight God if he is real.

00:34:11.760 --> 00:34:13.320
[laughs]

00:34:17.400 --> 00:34:19.920
I think that's crazy
that you were in it for so long.

00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:24.600
Yeah, and I was like...
I was a "good" Mormon.

00:34:24.680 --> 00:34:29.280
I never thought I was gonna leave,
and then I just kind of started to realize

00:34:29.360 --> 00:34:33.320
that the source of my depression
was the church.

00:34:33.400 --> 00:34:35.640
Because every time I'd go to church,
I'd feel like shit.

00:34:35.720 --> 00:34:39.400
-And I'd go home and have a panic attack.
-Yeah, yeah.

00:34:39.480 --> 00:34:42.720
And I thought that's just what I had to do
and put up with.

00:34:42.800 --> 00:34:45.400
And then I was talking with my brother,

00:34:45.480 --> 00:34:48.040
and he pointed out some things
that didn't make sense.

00:34:48.120 --> 00:34:51.240
I was like, "You're right.
That doesn't make any sense."

00:34:51.320 --> 00:34:53.920
So, is your whole family Mormon, then?

00:34:54.000 --> 00:34:56.800
-Yeah. My brother is not.
-Cool.

00:34:56.880 --> 00:35:00.760
He left before I left.
But the rest of my family is still Mormon.

00:35:00.840 --> 00:35:03.080
-So that's...
-Awkward.

00:35:03.160 --> 00:35:05.640
I have nieces and nephews,
and they're growing up in it.

00:35:05.720 --> 00:35:08.760
And I'm just like,
"No! I know what's happening.

00:35:08.840 --> 00:35:11.560
-I wanna stop this!"
-Yeah, "I wanna save you."

00:35:11.640 --> 00:35:14.960
But I'm hoping
that whenever they grow up,

00:35:15.040 --> 00:35:20.160
they'll want to hear
why I left the church and I can...

00:35:20.240 --> 00:35:22.720
-Like, I don't wanna force that on them.
-No, yeah.

00:35:22.800 --> 00:35:25.040
Just like everybody else
is doing to them right now.

00:35:25.120 --> 00:35:30.440
Yeah, exactly. This is my temple.
I take tequila shots as sacrament.

00:35:30.520 --> 00:35:32.680
-Yes! Booty worship.
-Yes!

00:35:32.760 --> 00:35:36.040
It's Sunday booty worship day.

00:35:36.120 --> 00:35:39.480
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
come over to the main stage right now.

00:35:39.560 --> 00:35:41.240
It's the beautiful Elayna.

00:35:42.240 --> 00:35:45.240
[pumping dance music playing]

00:36:09.320 --> 00:36:12.320
[dance music continues]

00:36:24.480 --> 00:36:25.680
[music stops]

00:36:31.960 --> 00:36:34.960
[muffled dance music resumes]

00:36:55.880 --> 00:36:59.560
Would we be able to open the window
just a tiny bit?

00:37:01.400 --> 00:37:03.200
-Would that be OK?
-[woman] Yeah.

00:37:04.400 --> 00:37:06.000
[man sighs]

00:37:06.840 --> 00:37:08.320
[man] Thank you.

00:37:09.320 --> 00:37:11.920
[Elayna] I feel rage. Fucking rage.

00:37:13.400 --> 00:37:15.400
And a lot of sadness.

00:37:17.480 --> 00:37:19.320
[man] Rage and sadness?

00:37:21.240 --> 00:37:25.200
You have an opportunity here
to release some of this anger,

00:37:25.280 --> 00:37:28.880
and be with it in a process
that we call an anger burn.

00:37:35.560 --> 00:37:39.520
Sometimes anger can turn inwards
if we don't let it out.

00:37:41.040 --> 00:37:46.000
It's the whole... the whole situation
of the church,

00:37:46.080 --> 00:37:50.200
telling me
these horrible messages about sex,

00:37:50.280 --> 00:37:55.280
and intentionally
withholding information

00:37:55.360 --> 00:37:58.840
that could have helped me,

00:37:58.920 --> 00:38:03.640
such as what is consent
and what is not consent.

00:38:05.000 --> 00:38:10.600
Which led to the situation of this man
who would not leave me alone,

00:38:10.680 --> 00:38:14.120
even though I told him a million times
to leave me alone.

00:38:14.200 --> 00:38:19.360
Oh! And then I felt guilty
that I'd broken the law of chastity

00:38:19.440 --> 00:38:24.840
and that I wasn't that pure virgin,
I was tainted.

00:38:24.920 --> 00:38:29.400
And so I had to marry this fuckhead

00:38:29.480 --> 00:38:34.600
who did that, and...

00:38:34.680 --> 00:38:36.760
When I did reach out for help,

00:38:36.840 --> 00:38:39.480
and I told my sister,
and I told the bishop...

00:38:39.560 --> 00:38:41.880
But I didn't know
how to put it into words.

00:38:41.960 --> 00:38:45.240
So, all I could say was,
"I did something wrong."

00:38:45.320 --> 00:38:50.480
And they didn't ask,
"Were you safe?", you know.

00:38:50.560 --> 00:38:55.440
They didn't ask those kinds of questions
of like, "Did you actually want this?"

00:38:55.520 --> 00:38:56.920
And they were just like,

00:38:57.000 --> 00:39:01.760
"Oh, yeah, well, you should definitely
not do that anymore."

00:39:01.840 --> 00:39:03.840
That's like telling someone
who got kidnapped,

00:39:03.920 --> 00:39:05.920
"You know, you should probably leave."

00:39:07.080 --> 00:39:10.640
I tried to leave so many times, and when
I did finally get away from him,

00:39:10.720 --> 00:39:13.520
he broke my rib
and he ripped my hair out, and...

00:39:15.720 --> 00:39:18.920
Let's get a good pillow for this.

00:39:19.000 --> 00:39:23.920
One way of releasing anger
is to shout it out with your lungs.

00:39:25.800 --> 00:39:28.680
If you want,
you can shout into this pillow.

00:39:28.760 --> 00:39:30.840
Or shout into that pillow.

00:39:30.920 --> 00:39:34.120
-Can I throw it?
-Yeah, you can throw it.

00:39:36.720 --> 00:39:38.280
-Great.
-I was trying not to hit you.

00:39:38.360 --> 00:39:41.920
-You can throw it farther than that.
-I didn't wanna hit anyone.

00:39:42.000 --> 00:39:43.440
Yeah, punch it.

00:39:45.240 --> 00:39:48.160
Fuck that fucking motherfucking bastard!

00:39:48.240 --> 00:39:49.400
[laughter]

00:39:49.480 --> 00:39:50.480
Hah!

00:39:50.560 --> 00:39:53.480
[woman] For Christ's sake, do it again!

00:39:53.560 --> 00:39:56.040
-God fucking damn it!
-[laughter]

00:40:08.440 --> 00:40:13.680
These represent boundaries.
And then my other lines aren't lines.

00:40:13.760 --> 00:40:16.640
They're just dashes and dots.

00:40:16.720 --> 00:40:21.640
And that really signifies my feeling

00:40:21.720 --> 00:40:24.160
that I don't have boundaries.

00:40:24.240 --> 00:40:28.120
So many times, we associate
black with bad and white with good.

00:40:28.200 --> 00:40:30.160
But for me, the white was very bad

00:40:30.240 --> 00:40:33.400
because it was this idea,
and it's in a box,

00:40:33.480 --> 00:40:35.720
that you were supposed to be this...

00:40:35.800 --> 00:40:39.560
there's this one way
to be pure and perfect.

00:40:39.640 --> 00:40:42.000
And then it's surrounded by all this...

00:40:42.080 --> 00:40:45.800
Doors are to stay shut at all times.

00:40:45.880 --> 00:40:48.520
You have to stay
in this black and white room,

00:40:48.600 --> 00:40:50.800
'cause it's dangerous out there.

00:40:52.400 --> 00:40:54.920
[indistinct chatter]

00:40:55.000 --> 00:40:58.760
[man] There's a gray one right there.
The blue one is a...

00:41:02.800 --> 00:41:07.200
[Marlene] I think in Christianity,
everybody is infantilized in general.

00:41:07.280 --> 00:41:12.360
You stay children. You're supposed to be
a child of God, right?

00:41:12.440 --> 00:41:15.560
-[man] We don't grow up.
-Are you an adult of God?

00:41:15.640 --> 00:41:17.640
[laughter]

00:41:18.800 --> 00:41:20.920
-No.
-[Marlene] No, you're a child of God.

00:41:21.000 --> 00:41:24.240
You're dependent.
There's all this codependency.

00:41:24.320 --> 00:41:28.840
And you also get told
that you don't have inner resources,

00:41:28.920 --> 00:41:33.520
you don't have inner strength,
inner love, inner wisdom.

00:41:33.600 --> 00:41:36.560
I mean, did anybody tell you
you have inner wisdom?

00:41:36.640 --> 00:41:38.120
No.

00:41:38.200 --> 00:41:41.800
And by the way, even after you leave,

00:41:41.880 --> 00:41:45.920
I've noticed too that sometimes
an atheist website will say,

00:41:46.000 --> 00:41:49.320
"Your best testimony
is to be a happy atheist."

00:41:49.400 --> 00:41:52.000
And I don't agree with that either,

00:41:52.080 --> 00:41:56.360
because I think you don't have to feel
any pressure to be happy.

00:41:56.440 --> 00:41:58.120
Just be who you are.

00:41:58.200 --> 00:42:01.880
And if Christians
are gonna get judgmental

00:42:01.960 --> 00:42:06.400
about the fact that you're struggling,
that's their problem, you know.

00:42:06.480 --> 00:42:09.680
Because sometimes people
do go through anxiety and depression

00:42:09.760 --> 00:42:11.240
when they leave the faith.

00:42:11.320 --> 00:42:16.200
That's part of the process.
It's not something that's a failure.

00:42:19.000 --> 00:42:23.960
So, yeah. There's no push to say
that now I've mastered life.

00:42:24.040 --> 00:42:29.600
Now I've left religion,
and now I'm the happy atheist.

00:42:31.280 --> 00:42:36.080
You're practicing
taking on the role of the adult

00:42:36.160 --> 00:42:41.480
with some self-respect
for this inner wisdom and inner strength.

00:42:41.560 --> 00:42:43.640
And you're not outsourcing it.

00:42:43.720 --> 00:42:47.160
And you're rising to the occasion
to take care of this child.

00:42:47.240 --> 00:42:49.520
You're not gonna pawn it off on anybody.

00:42:49.600 --> 00:42:54.840
What can you do
that would be for your child now?

00:42:54.920 --> 00:42:59.320
I will find family where I can,

00:42:59.400 --> 00:43:04.560
and I will define what family is to me.

00:43:08.280 --> 00:43:09.600
As best as I can.

00:43:09.680 --> 00:43:15.840
Even if that's not blood, blood kin.

00:43:15.920 --> 00:43:17.200
[laughs]

00:43:18.240 --> 00:43:19.320
Um...

00:43:20.840 --> 00:43:21.920
Um...

00:43:22.000 --> 00:43:27.160
I'll remind you
that you don't need to be perfect,

00:43:27.240 --> 00:43:33.160
and that having... having doubts
about things doesn't...

00:43:35.040 --> 00:43:37.920
doesn't mean you're damned.

00:43:38.000 --> 00:43:43.280
Or messing up here and there
doesn't mean that you're damned.

00:43:43.360 --> 00:43:46.120
Am I supposed to be like my mother or...

00:43:46.200 --> 00:43:50.400
I'm your inner child,
and you're the parent.

00:43:50.480 --> 00:43:52.720
You're saying, "If I were the parent,
I would have..."

00:43:52.800 --> 00:43:56.040
OK. I would have, um...

00:43:57.480 --> 00:44:01.720
given you knowledge
and let you think for yourself.

00:44:02.320 --> 00:44:08.520
And I would want you to do
what you wanted to do with your life.

00:44:08.600 --> 00:44:13.000
And I would have let you read
whatever you wanted,

00:44:13.640 --> 00:44:16.880
and listen to whatever music you wanted.

00:44:16.960 --> 00:44:18.000
Um...

00:44:21.520 --> 00:44:22.520
Um...

00:44:25.240 --> 00:44:30.160
Um, I wouldn't have
told you stories, um...

00:44:32.120 --> 00:44:36.120
that you were too young to hear.

00:44:36.200 --> 00:44:37.320
Um...

00:44:41.080 --> 00:44:45.080
And if you were,
or when you were scared, um...

00:44:49.320 --> 00:44:52.160
I would have told you
that it wasn't real.

00:45:11.000 --> 00:45:13.360
[indistinct chatter]

00:45:27.920 --> 00:45:30.960
[Isabel] I remember
when my daughter was born.

00:45:33.800 --> 00:45:38.360
She was in need of surgery
when she was only six days old.

00:45:41.160 --> 00:45:45.960
It was only a 20% chance
that she would survive.

00:45:48.000 --> 00:45:50.640
And I remember that I prayed to God,

00:45:51.920 --> 00:45:56.760
that if you save Marissa,
if you let her live,

00:45:56.840 --> 00:46:00.760
then I will follow you forever,
you know.

00:46:03.240 --> 00:46:06.760
And I've thought about that moment
many times,

00:46:06.840 --> 00:46:10.880
because she survived,
and she's healthy.

00:46:12.720 --> 00:46:14.800
But I still don't believe.

00:46:19.880 --> 00:46:22.320
I'm scared that she will be
taken away from me

00:46:22.400 --> 00:46:26.880
because I'm not grateful, and because
I didn't keep my promise or something.

00:46:55.240 --> 00:47:01.200
[Marlene] Um, you were gonna be...
you were gonna be going to heaven,

00:47:01.280 --> 00:47:03.240
where everything was gonna be great.

00:47:03.320 --> 00:47:07.880
And you had this perfect relationship
with Jesus and God.

00:47:07.960 --> 00:47:11.680
You were improving all the time
and becoming perfect.

00:47:11.760 --> 00:47:14.440
And now here you are
without the religion,

00:47:14.520 --> 00:47:19.000
and you're stuck
in this very mixed environment here,

00:47:19.080 --> 00:47:23.200
where there's lots of problems,
especially now.

00:47:23.280 --> 00:47:27.600
-[all] Yeah.
-So, that's very disturbing.

00:47:27.680 --> 00:47:31.800
And there isn't any real easy answer
about meaning in life,

00:47:31.880 --> 00:47:34.120
easy answers to the big questions.

00:47:34.200 --> 00:47:38.520
It's very murky about
what you're supposed to think of life.

00:47:39.720 --> 00:47:44.720
One of the problems too
with the apocalyptic end-time religions

00:47:44.800 --> 00:47:48.520
is that you kind of expect
it's all gonna end soon enough

00:47:48.600 --> 00:47:50.800
that I don't really need
to invest in my future.

00:47:50.880 --> 00:47:52.720
We don't need to save the planet.

00:47:52.800 --> 00:47:55.640
I don't need an education
'cause Jesus is coming back.

00:47:55.720 --> 00:47:58.120
And so you keep hedging your bets

00:47:58.200 --> 00:48:02.200
on the fact that it's all ending soon,
and then it just keeps going.

00:48:02.280 --> 00:48:08.800
[Marlene] So, over here, I've got blockage
from other people and world views.

00:48:08.880 --> 00:48:15.920
Kids being blocked from...
not allowed to have information.

00:48:16.000 --> 00:48:19.800
Information is withheld
about science, about sex,

00:48:19.880 --> 00:48:22.920
about politics, history,
culture, psychology.

00:48:23.000 --> 00:48:25.560
-Psychology is a bad thing, of course.
-[laughter]

00:48:25.640 --> 00:48:32.480
But all those things, aspects of
all those things, can be bad and worldly.

00:48:32.560 --> 00:48:34.720
For me, it's almost refreshing
to see this,

00:48:34.800 --> 00:48:37.280
because it gives context
to my experience

00:48:37.360 --> 00:48:39.760
in a way
that I really haven't seen before.

00:48:39.840 --> 00:48:42.280
-Good.
-You know, I'm just...

00:48:43.280 --> 00:48:46.200
Literally, there's my life
on a chart right there.

00:48:46.280 --> 00:48:47.960
[woman] Yeah.

00:48:48.040 --> 00:48:50.560
I've just never seen
something like that before.

00:48:50.640 --> 00:48:55.000
So, to me, it feels like...
"Wow, that's what it is."

00:48:55.080 --> 00:48:56.680
[Marlene] Yeah.

00:48:58.480 --> 00:49:01.480
[laughter and indistinct chatter]

00:49:03.560 --> 00:49:11.080
You know... I... I came
from a very disconnected family.

00:49:11.160 --> 00:49:13.760
I come from a very disconnected family,

00:49:14.320 --> 00:49:19.560
where there's no deep relationships,
there's no deep friendships.

00:49:19.640 --> 00:49:23.080
It's all structure and rules,

00:49:23.160 --> 00:49:26.400
and dos and don'ts.

00:49:27.000 --> 00:49:32.880
And when I went through my break-up,
I went to church.

00:49:34.000 --> 00:49:39.120
I would do everything I used to do,
and I'd walk back out,

00:49:39.200 --> 00:49:44.760
and in six months,
I think three people said hi to me.

00:49:44.840 --> 00:49:47.320
In six months.

00:49:47.400 --> 00:49:49.800
-It was a red thread.
-Mmm.

00:49:49.880 --> 00:49:52.080
-It's what got me asking questions.
-Yeah.

00:49:52.160 --> 00:49:55.720
Why is it this way? What's going on?

00:49:56.720 --> 00:50:00.520
And once you start asking questions,
you're dangerous.

00:50:00.600 --> 00:50:01.840
Mm-hm.

00:50:07.480 --> 00:50:09.920
-You're a dangerous man, Dan.
-No.

00:50:12.720 --> 00:50:18.160
That's why we're scary, I guess.
'Cause of just simply asking questions.

00:50:27.160 --> 00:50:28.160
Mmm.

00:50:33.200 --> 00:50:36.200
Do you mind if I put my hand there?

00:50:38.440 --> 00:50:39.440
Um...

00:50:41.520 --> 00:50:42.960
I feel like...

00:50:44.680 --> 00:50:48.600
um... life has so much to communicate,

00:50:49.880 --> 00:50:51.600
if we listen.

00:50:53.920 --> 00:50:58.640
And I don't mean listen
to what's going on up here

00:50:58.720 --> 00:51:02.720
but, like, what's going on all around us.

00:51:02.800 --> 00:51:03.920
Yeah.

00:51:04.000 --> 00:51:09.280
And, um... I feel like I wasted...

00:51:10.360 --> 00:51:13.360
not wasted, I squandered...

00:51:15.160 --> 00:51:19.440
a few decades in my head.

00:51:21.160 --> 00:51:22.480
And, um...

00:51:27.120 --> 00:51:32.920
Um, the old saying is "A picture says
a thousand words," and I, um...

00:51:38.600 --> 00:51:42.160
I feel like it's more
like a hundred thousand.

00:51:42.240 --> 00:51:43.240
Yeah.

00:52:06.480 --> 00:52:08.120
[Dan] I feel robbed.

00:52:10.720 --> 00:52:12.600
I feel like someone...

00:52:14.520 --> 00:52:18.400
locked me away for 20 years

00:52:19.640 --> 00:52:20.640
and...

00:52:23.960 --> 00:52:29.760
fed me just enough information
to keep me in line.

00:52:42.360 --> 00:52:47.360
I see others out enjoying normal life.

00:52:52.840 --> 00:52:55.440
I wish I could be that normal.

00:52:58.160 --> 00:53:05.840
I miss... knowing someone else
misses me when I'm not there.

00:53:08.480 --> 00:53:10.360
I miss touch.

00:53:14.240 --> 00:53:16.880
How do you find help...

00:53:19.960 --> 00:53:24.480
when there's no one to ask
but other humans?

00:53:31.600 --> 00:53:34.480
I just don't even know where to start.

00:54:00.200 --> 00:54:05.480
My card says,
"Resourceless Pauly asshole."

00:54:06.760 --> 00:54:11.840
And the ambition
is to stretch the boundaries

00:54:11.920 --> 00:54:17.160
from the acceptable
and within your presence.

00:54:17.240 --> 00:54:22.160
Your stories are agitating
the living fucking shit out of me,

00:54:22.240 --> 00:54:26.040
and I'm so grateful to hear them,

00:54:26.120 --> 00:54:29.240
to stretch those boundaries
and experience something

00:54:29.320 --> 00:54:32.640
besides, you know, the walls.

00:54:34.880 --> 00:54:42.000
My father was
a religious Carmelite brother

00:54:43.120 --> 00:54:44.680
in Texas,

00:54:44.760 --> 00:54:51.120
and the stories he told were how
he really liked to be with the boys.

00:54:51.200 --> 00:54:55.440
My old man was part
of the Roman Catholic cabal

00:54:55.520 --> 00:55:02.400
of child sexual abuse perpetrators,

00:55:02.480 --> 00:55:05.120
of all six of us.

00:55:07.680 --> 00:55:09.200
I'm the first one,

00:55:09.280 --> 00:55:13.080
and my little brothers and sisters
say that I got it the worst.

00:55:13.160 --> 00:55:18.240
And I think that's just fucking bullshit.
I couldn't protect them.

00:55:20.200 --> 00:55:21.560
Um...

00:55:24.760 --> 00:55:29.920
I dissociate a lot, so when you see me,
like, doing bilateral stuff,

00:55:30.000 --> 00:55:33.120
it's to remind my fucking body
to stay in the room.

00:55:34.560 --> 00:55:40.440
The stories were that they,
the Carmelites,

00:55:40.520 --> 00:55:43.280
told him to go home and get married

00:55:43.360 --> 00:55:46.520
because he would be better off doing that.

00:55:46.600 --> 00:55:51.520
My old man was my lover,
from my first orgasm

00:55:51.600 --> 00:55:55.680
until I got engaged at 18,

00:55:55.760 --> 00:56:01.280
and then he started in on
my little brothers, and it hurts so much.

00:56:01.360 --> 00:56:05.720
I didn't find out that stuff
until I was 35.

00:56:05.800 --> 00:56:09.160
And so I had it all blocked out
until the late '80s.

00:56:09.240 --> 00:56:11.640
And then, you know...

00:56:13.040 --> 00:56:17.360
I have two marriages
that ended in divorce.

00:56:17.440 --> 00:56:19.880
And I got... I had the pleasure...

00:56:19.960 --> 00:56:22.320
the first great gift I gave myself

00:56:22.400 --> 00:56:29.840
was 31 days in an in-patient psych unit
for sexual trauma.

00:56:29.920 --> 00:56:35.600
And being able to own
how religion filters through and...

00:56:38.640 --> 00:56:44.520
poisons everything is what I'm here
for you guys to help me cope with.

00:56:46.000 --> 00:56:50.560
And let me tell you, Gibran says,

00:56:50.640 --> 00:56:55.520
"The deeper that sorrow carves into
your soul, the more joy you can contain."

00:56:55.600 --> 00:56:58.920
I gotta say, on the flip side
to all that shit is

00:56:59.000 --> 00:57:02.040
bring your shit onto me
'cause you ain't got nothin'

00:57:02.120 --> 00:57:05.000
I can't sit with you with.

00:57:06.200 --> 00:57:09.840
I'm deeply moved by your... by your share.

00:57:11.800 --> 00:57:13.120
[sighs]

00:57:16.240 --> 00:57:18.680
-[man] Me too. I appreciate it.
-[Paul] Yeah.

00:57:20.200 --> 00:57:21.200
Yeah.

00:57:24.440 --> 00:57:27.440
[indistinct chatter]

00:57:34.360 --> 00:57:36.040
It's tacky, though.

00:57:39.000 --> 00:57:41.520
How are the eyelashes going over there?

00:57:41.600 --> 00:57:43.400
-That one looks good.
-Is that all right?

00:57:43.480 --> 00:57:46.480
I'll try the same thing
for the other eye.

00:57:46.560 --> 00:57:50.200
It's the perfect color combo
for this. Yeah.

00:57:50.280 --> 00:57:53.720
All right. Thank you.
I'm gonna go be a man.

00:57:53.800 --> 00:58:00.200
I... I don't understand that culture
enough to... to dress like it.

00:58:00.280 --> 00:58:02.720
Like, I would wanna know more.

00:58:02.800 --> 00:58:06.040
I don't know...
I don't know rules and boundaries,

00:58:06.120 --> 00:58:09.720
and respect and disrespect,

00:58:09.800 --> 00:58:13.400
and I'd rather learn about it
before I engage in it.

00:58:13.480 --> 00:58:14.680
[Lindsey] I got you, yeah.

00:58:14.760 --> 00:58:18.400
Well, coming from a queer woman,
I would love if you dressed in drag.

00:58:18.480 --> 00:58:23.400
I wouldn't be bothered at all.
Not offensive in the slightest.

00:58:23.480 --> 00:58:27.280
I just don't wanna create any ambiguity.
I just don't need it right now.

00:58:27.360 --> 00:58:30.400
-Yeah. So just a personal choice?
-It's a personal thing.

00:58:30.480 --> 00:58:32.320
But I know what you mean.
It would be fun.

00:58:32.400 --> 00:58:36.200
I could totally see you in a tutu, is what
I'm trying to say, and I would love it.

00:58:36.280 --> 00:58:40.760
And whether you show up like this
or as a straight man in a tutu,

00:58:40.840 --> 00:58:43.240
you're gonna get hit on either way.

00:58:43.320 --> 00:58:46.120
-That is true.
-Pick your poison.

00:58:46.200 --> 00:58:47.440
[both laugh]

00:58:47.520 --> 00:58:50.280
[dance music playing]

00:59:07.640 --> 00:59:10.480
[cheering]

00:59:17.120 --> 00:59:20.440
♪ We thought he would strike
like lightning ♪

00:59:20.520 --> 00:59:23.920
♪ To be spreading the Lord
like a breeze ♪

00:59:24.000 --> 00:59:26.760
♪ But I let my beliefs to be taken ♪

00:59:26.840 --> 00:59:30.240
♪ How could I doubt?
God, give me strength ♪

00:59:30.600 --> 00:59:33.720
♪ Doing this mission ♪

00:59:33.800 --> 00:59:35.200
♪ Dang it! ♪

00:59:35.280 --> 00:59:42.440
♪ It's hard to save the world ♪

00:59:43.080 --> 00:59:49.960
♪ To save the world ♪

00:59:50.040 --> 00:59:52.560
[cheering and applause]

00:59:53.000 --> 00:59:55.680
-Hey, Mormon!
-[laughs]

00:59:55.760 --> 00:59:59.720
-Mormons, are you in the audience?
-Yeah, we got one right here!

01:00:00.360 --> 01:00:04.440
-Can you vouch? Is that what it's like?
-Oh, my God! Yes. Yes.

01:00:04.520 --> 01:00:07.280
-Ex-Mormon!
-Ex-Mormon.

01:00:07.360 --> 01:00:09.440
Folks in the back,
you need to hear this.

01:00:09.520 --> 01:00:11.480
Did you go on mission?

01:00:11.560 --> 01:00:14.640
I wanted to since I was eight years old.

01:00:14.720 --> 01:00:18.760
But when I turned 21,
I confessed that I masturbated,

01:00:18.840 --> 01:00:20.840
so I wasn't worthy to go on a mission!

01:00:20.920 --> 01:00:24.080
[cheering]

01:00:24.160 --> 01:00:26.560
Audience, are we having
a good Broadway night tonight?

01:00:26.640 --> 01:00:29.440
[cheering]

01:00:32.480 --> 01:00:35.600
♪ I had to let it happen ♪

01:00:35.680 --> 01:00:39.880
♪ I had to change ♪

01:00:39.960 --> 01:00:45.480
♪ Couldn't stay all my life
down at heel ♪

01:00:46.280 --> 01:00:53.880
♪ Looking out of the window,
staying out of the sun ♪

01:00:53.960 --> 01:00:59.520
♪ So I chose freedom ♪

01:01:00.160 --> 01:01:04.240
♪ Running around, trying everything new ♪

01:01:04.320 --> 01:01:10.360
♪ But nothing impressed me at all ♪

01:01:11.400 --> 01:01:17.000
♪ I never expected it to ♪

01:01:29.840 --> 01:01:33.640
[Marlene] Let yourself travel
in your imagination

01:01:33.720 --> 01:01:40.080
back to where you lived as a child

01:01:40.160 --> 01:01:41.840
with your family.

01:01:43.080 --> 01:01:46.200
You've kind of done a time travel here.

01:01:47.320 --> 01:01:49.800
You are able to go in

01:01:50.440 --> 01:01:54.480
and get yourself, get this little kid,

01:01:54.560 --> 01:01:58.800
and take the child to a better place,

01:01:58.880 --> 01:02:01.880
in other words, to come live with you.

01:02:06.320 --> 01:02:08.040
Draw with these colors.

01:02:08.120 --> 01:02:11.200
You can draw something literal,
or you can draw something abstract,

01:02:11.280 --> 01:02:17.280
but draw something that represents
bringing this child to your house.

01:02:26.800 --> 01:02:30.000
She's not there right now
'cause she's outside playing.

01:02:30.080 --> 01:02:32.520
But this is the place where she lands.

01:02:32.600 --> 01:02:38.480
And, um, this is the place that's hers
and that's safe for her to be herself.

01:02:40.720 --> 01:02:43.480
[Marlene] And how was the imagery for you?

01:02:43.560 --> 01:02:47.320
Um... it felt like kidnapping.

01:02:47.400 --> 01:02:48.640
[Marlene laughs]

01:02:48.720 --> 01:02:51.080
Uh, that's the word
that came to mind at first,

01:02:51.160 --> 01:02:53.480
and I kind of was like,
"That's a strange word."

01:02:53.560 --> 01:02:57.560
But I think it has to do with...

01:02:59.280 --> 01:03:01.960
the fact that my parents
are such good people.

01:03:04.360 --> 01:03:06.880
I guess it's just hard to say
they fucked up.

01:03:06.960 --> 01:03:09.040
It's hard for me to say that.

01:03:09.120 --> 01:03:16.200
And so it's hard to... let go
and take care of my inner child myself,

01:03:16.280 --> 01:03:18.440
in a way, because it feels like...

01:03:23.920 --> 01:03:25.960
dishonoring to them somehow.

01:03:26.040 --> 01:03:30.480
[Marlene] Mmm. Well, you can honor
your parents without idealizing them.

01:03:30.560 --> 01:03:34.920
I think that idealism is what they expect
from me, what they want from me,

01:03:35.000 --> 01:03:37.400
that if you have a problem,
it's your own fault.

01:03:37.480 --> 01:03:41.400
Yeah. But it's not about criticism.

01:03:41.480 --> 01:03:47.360
It's more about you taking over
and doing the best that you can, you know.

01:03:47.440 --> 01:03:52.320
It's chapter two here,
and so, as a grown person,

01:03:52.400 --> 01:03:55.960
you're like a little kid
going back again and again

01:03:56.040 --> 01:04:00.320
to get love from your mother
who's never gonna love you.

01:04:01.600 --> 01:04:06.840
So, it isn't so much
that everybody in your family is bad.

01:04:06.920 --> 01:04:12.520
It's just that your child
needs to come into the present day.

01:04:12.600 --> 01:04:18.600
And we need to have the wisdom
to know when to let go,

01:04:18.680 --> 01:04:23.520
when to just stop trying
to solve a problem that can't be solved.

01:04:23.600 --> 01:04:27.160
'Cause it can just, um, wear you out.

01:04:30.840 --> 01:04:33.640
[woman] Just walk.
Don't even think about anything.

01:04:38.320 --> 01:04:41.040
And pause, close your eyes.

01:04:41.120 --> 01:04:43.840
If you were to pick one value

01:04:43.920 --> 01:04:47.840
and put it somewhere in your body,
where would it land?

01:04:47.920 --> 01:04:49.520
And maybe touch that body part

01:04:49.600 --> 01:04:53.640
or put your total mind's eye
on that body part.

01:04:57.160 --> 01:04:59.840
And let that go and walk around.

01:05:07.040 --> 01:05:09.960
And now we're gonna put these
into a movement

01:05:10.040 --> 01:05:14.040
that conveys for yourself,
it doesn't have to convey to anyone else,

01:05:14.120 --> 01:05:17.240
how does this value feel in your body.

01:05:18.800 --> 01:05:21.360
-Peace of mind.
-[all] Yes.

01:05:21.440 --> 01:05:23.520
-Connection.
-[all] Yes.

01:05:25.400 --> 01:05:27.720
-Courageous.
-[all] Yes.

01:05:27.800 --> 01:05:30.400
-Sensitivity.
-[all] Yes.

01:05:30.480 --> 01:05:33.640
-Open-mindedness.
-[all] Yes.

01:05:35.040 --> 01:05:37.240
-Creativity.
-[all] Yes.

01:05:37.320 --> 01:05:39.720
-Strong.
-[all] Yes.

01:05:43.640 --> 01:05:46.640
[bird squawks]

01:05:47.880 --> 01:05:52.120
Um, so go ahead
and take some deep breaths.

01:05:52.200 --> 01:05:54.240
And let them be very slow breaths,

01:05:54.320 --> 01:05:57.920
because that tells your nervous system,
"Nothing bad is happening right now."

01:05:58.000 --> 01:05:59.280
OK?

01:06:02.320 --> 01:06:05.840
So I want you to notice your gut, right,
your gut that tells you,

01:06:05.920 --> 01:06:10.240
"Yeah, this is what I want,
this is what I don't want."

01:06:10.320 --> 01:06:12.920
Guts are really good for boundaries.

01:06:16.160 --> 01:06:19.080
And see how gentle you can be.

01:06:21.320 --> 01:06:24.480
Right. You made it here.

01:06:26.960 --> 01:06:29.720
See how gentle you can be.

01:06:31.960 --> 01:06:34.920
And start to tune into your pelvis.

01:06:36.240 --> 01:06:38.880
Again, whatever you call you body parts,

01:06:38.960 --> 01:06:45.440
pussy, cock, genitals, vulva,
dick, penis, whatever is there.

01:06:48.320 --> 01:06:52.680
Nothing is about changing
what you're feeling or experiencing.

01:06:52.760 --> 01:06:57.440
Just beginning to tune in
and get connected with yourself.

01:06:57.520 --> 01:07:00.040
And so we can know
what our boundaries are,

01:07:00.120 --> 01:07:04.280
what our desires are
in sort of a physical, embodied way.

01:07:04.360 --> 01:07:08.960
And then we also wanna know what
our brain's thoughts about desire are.

01:07:09.040 --> 01:07:12.040
[indistinct chatter]

01:07:21.080 --> 01:07:24.080
And you can really squeeze
if you want to. Yeah.

01:07:25.040 --> 01:07:26.440
[laughs]

01:07:26.520 --> 01:07:28.920
Really, just squeeze away.

01:07:29.000 --> 01:07:30.280
[laughs]

01:07:31.320 --> 01:07:33.320
It feels good. Yeah.

01:07:48.920 --> 01:07:51.720
I'm gonna put on my glasses
so I can see you better.

01:07:51.800 --> 01:07:54.040
-Of course, yeah.
-Yeah.

01:08:07.520 --> 01:08:09.400
[sighs]

01:08:24.680 --> 01:08:26.840
I like your lips.

01:08:26.920 --> 01:08:28.480
[laughs]

01:08:30.000 --> 01:08:32.920
If everybody can please
thank each other.

01:08:33.000 --> 01:08:36.040
-You want a squeeze?
-Thank you for receiving me too.

01:08:39.160 --> 01:08:41.800
-That was beautiful.
-Thank you.

01:09:05.240 --> 01:09:07.200
[Dan] How do people live life

01:09:07.280 --> 01:09:11.920
knowing that the time here on Earth
is the only time we have?

01:09:18.320 --> 01:09:22.360
For some, that's a day
or less than a day.

01:09:23.480 --> 01:09:28.800
For some, it's a few years.
For some it's a long, long lifetime.

01:09:28.880 --> 01:09:31.000
But then that's it.

01:09:40.280 --> 01:09:45.440
And the world will keep going.

01:09:45.520 --> 01:09:49.320
The solar system,
the universe will keep going.

01:09:50.880 --> 01:09:52.760
Until it stops.

01:09:59.040 --> 01:10:00.280
And we're...

01:10:03.760 --> 01:10:05.840
we're so small.

01:10:13.880 --> 01:10:19.120
So... living our life the best we know how

01:10:19.200 --> 01:10:21.760
with the time we have is what matters.

01:10:25.120 --> 01:10:30.080
And focusing on what we see
and do and know

01:10:30.160 --> 01:10:32.720
is the best way to spend our time.

01:10:32.800 --> 01:10:37.520
Not spending time worrying about things
we can't see and don't know.

01:10:54.800 --> 01:10:58.680
[Kari] I would want my mom to understand.
I don't think she has any concept of it.

01:10:58.760 --> 01:11:01.440
I mean, even coming out to my dad,
he said nothing.

01:11:01.520 --> 01:11:03.760
-Yeah.
-Like, he said nothing for years.

01:11:03.840 --> 01:11:07.640
And then a year later, your mother
told me, "It was so devastating."

01:11:07.720 --> 01:11:09.960
-Oh, yeah.
-"We were devastated."

01:11:10.040 --> 01:11:13.920
-Yeah, that was super inappropriate.
-Over coffee.

01:11:14.000 --> 01:11:16.800
It's like, man, come on. I'm so sorry.

01:11:16.880 --> 01:11:19.360
You're the victims of this situation.

01:11:19.440 --> 01:11:22.080
Victims of a daughter they didn't want.

01:11:23.360 --> 01:11:25.800
[Rose] I think the whole thing
is really unfair, buddy.

01:11:25.880 --> 01:11:30.840
Like, there's been so many tears
just in the last week over this.

01:11:30.920 --> 01:11:34.280
-And nobody should have tears at all.
-Yeah.

01:11:34.360 --> 01:11:38.440
Four days before,
three days before, yesterday.

01:11:38.520 --> 01:11:40.480
I want them to come.
I want them to support me.

01:11:40.560 --> 01:11:43.640
But I basically had to force them
yesterday to say,

01:11:43.720 --> 01:11:46.640
"Do you support me or do you not
support me?" And they said no.

01:11:46.720 --> 01:11:49.720
Like, "We don't support this,
but we wanna be there anyway."

01:11:49.800 --> 01:11:53.560
And it's just not enough for me.
Like, that's not enough.

01:11:53.640 --> 01:11:55.640
Whatever you're doing, show up honestly.

01:11:55.720 --> 01:11:59.200
If you don't believe that gay people
are OK to be together,

01:11:59.280 --> 01:12:02.760
then don't come to a celebration
of gay people being together.

01:12:02.840 --> 01:12:06.880
And, like, that's a boundary
I have to have. Like, I have to have that.

01:12:06.960 --> 01:12:12.680
Like... I can't really explain
why that's so important to me, but it is.

01:12:12.760 --> 01:12:17.000
Because, Kari, because
if I were to fall in love with some dude,

01:12:17.080 --> 01:12:20.480
all my family wouldn't challenge
who I am.

01:12:21.200 --> 01:12:25.360
They can see why I like her. They've
said as much. But they're just not...

01:12:25.440 --> 01:12:28.080
But your mother
is in complete and total denial still.

01:12:28.160 --> 01:12:31.640
-That this is a phase of your life.
-Yeah.

01:12:31.720 --> 01:12:35.160
And they're acting like this is something
that God is somehow gonna heal,

01:12:35.240 --> 01:12:37.400
and it's somehow gonna come to a point

01:12:37.480 --> 01:12:39.920
where Miranda and I are like,
"No, we're just best friends.

01:12:40.000 --> 01:12:41.800
Thanks for sticking with us,
Mom and Dad."

01:12:41.880 --> 01:12:44.520
It's like... I'm like...

01:12:44.600 --> 01:12:48.200
I don't even know what to do with that,
you know what I mean?

01:12:48.280 --> 01:12:50.560
No matter what,
it's your fucking wedding tomorrow.

01:12:50.640 --> 01:12:53.720
Yeah, fuck it.
Fuck this shit! Fuck this shit!

01:12:53.800 --> 01:12:55.840
You're not responsible
for keeping the peace

01:12:55.920 --> 01:12:58.080
-at your fucking wedding!
-I know, dude.

01:12:58.160 --> 01:13:01.480
-You're a boss-ass bitch.
-Thank you. And you're a boss-ass bitch.

01:13:01.560 --> 01:13:03.800
-I love you.
-You like my suit? I love you too.

01:13:18.240 --> 01:13:21.160
[Marlene] Regress back to childhood.

01:13:21.240 --> 01:13:23.880
[sighs]

01:13:23.960 --> 01:13:26.200
And then going back even farther.

01:13:26.280 --> 01:13:28.400
Being a toddler.

01:13:29.760 --> 01:13:32.360
And then a baby.

01:13:32.440 --> 01:13:35.280
A little baby, just born.

01:13:35.360 --> 01:13:38.200
Beautiful little baby.

01:13:38.280 --> 01:13:40.920
And it's exciting.
You're new in the world.

01:13:41.000 --> 01:13:44.160
You're precious, special.

01:13:44.240 --> 01:13:46.160
And your family...

01:13:46.240 --> 01:13:49.320
Your family's excited. Your family's here.

01:13:49.400 --> 01:13:52.000
Your family is welcoming you.

01:13:58.880 --> 01:14:01.840
It is no gentle thing
to have the ground give way

01:14:01.920 --> 01:14:03.720
until there is nowhere to stand.

01:14:04.480 --> 01:14:08.160
You have lost yourself,
lost the others you thought you knew,

01:14:08.240 --> 01:14:10.280
and lost your way.

01:14:10.360 --> 01:14:14.160
You have had much taken from you,
and it must all be reclaimed.

01:14:16.240 --> 01:14:18.160
Your identity, your will,

01:14:18.240 --> 01:14:21.160
your thinking ability,
your feelings, your trust,

01:14:21.240 --> 01:14:24.040
your intuition, your sexuality,

01:14:24.120 --> 01:14:27.080
your creativity, and much more.

01:14:28.720 --> 01:14:32.920
The creation of your new life is large
and more than you expected.

01:14:33.000 --> 01:14:35.280
You are giving birth,
and you are the parent.

01:14:37.720 --> 01:14:39.800
There is no more outsourcing to God

01:14:39.880 --> 01:14:43.200
and no more talk of being dependent,
or helpless, or bad.

01:14:44.480 --> 01:14:49.360
There is struggle,
and there is wonderful discovery.

01:14:49.440 --> 01:14:52.680
You used to have all the answers
because they were handed to you

01:14:52.760 --> 01:14:56.200
and then enforced
until you could recite them in your sleep.

01:14:57.000 --> 01:15:01.280
Now you are working
on getting them out of your head.

01:15:01.360 --> 01:15:05.120
It will take some time,
but you will find your place,

01:15:05.200 --> 01:15:09.440
and others will benefit
from your hard-won life experience.

01:15:09.520 --> 01:15:13.400
You will be an elder
in the best sense of the word.

01:15:13.480 --> 01:15:15.040
And we need you.

01:16:12.520 --> 01:16:14.880
That was the kindest
and most nurturing thing

01:16:14.960 --> 01:16:17.160
that's ever happened to me.

01:16:25.800 --> 01:16:27.760
Thank you.

01:16:32.760 --> 01:16:33.760
[giggling]

01:16:33.840 --> 01:16:36.840
[yelling and laughing]

01:16:39.200 --> 01:16:41.280
[in Norwegian] You're cheating!

01:16:55.120 --> 01:16:58.120
[in Norwegian] I met Granny
and Aunt Iris at the café.

01:16:58.200 --> 01:17:01.880
-[in Norwegian] At the café?
-Yeah.

01:17:01.960 --> 01:17:04.960
I went to get coffee and lunch.

01:17:07.240 --> 01:17:09.720
A bit awkward, but...

01:17:13.080 --> 01:17:18.760
They don't really understand
why I had to go on a retreat to work on...

01:17:19.840 --> 01:17:23.120
Didn't they think
it was something Buddhist?

01:17:23.200 --> 01:17:24.720
The first time you told them?

01:17:24.800 --> 01:17:28.160
-They thought it was a Buddhist temple.
-Yeah.

01:17:29.520 --> 01:17:32.880
"Isabel is going to be a Buddhist!" "No!"

01:17:32.960 --> 01:17:36.160
Do you know something else that was weird?
Someone thought it was a sect.

01:17:36.240 --> 01:17:37.440
What's that?

01:17:37.520 --> 01:17:42.200
It is... like special religious groups

01:17:42.280 --> 01:17:46.400
that are a bit excluded
from the rest of the community.

01:17:47.120 --> 01:17:50.760
Why do you think they were scared
that you were going there?

01:17:50.840 --> 01:17:54.600
-[dog whines]
-I think they are afraid because...

01:17:56.280 --> 01:17:59.200
Lumi is freezing.

01:17:59.280 --> 01:18:00.320
Yeah.

01:18:03.120 --> 01:18:08.000
I think they are afraid that I think
differently than them because...

01:18:09.680 --> 01:18:12.120
then we won't...

01:18:13.840 --> 01:18:16.640
be together in the next life.

01:18:16.720 --> 01:18:17.720
[Marissa] Mmm.

01:18:17.800 --> 01:18:22.240
I actually think
that's what they're most afraid of.

01:18:22.320 --> 01:18:26.040
But no one has proof
that heaven or hell exist.

01:18:26.120 --> 01:18:29.960
No, but they believe it exists,

01:18:30.040 --> 01:18:35.960
and then they wish that everyone they love
will join them there.

01:18:36.040 --> 01:18:41.040
But what if you waste your life
believing in something that isn't true?

01:18:43.000 --> 01:18:49.280
Isn't that a... waste of lifetime?

01:18:49.360 --> 01:18:52.480
Yeah, is that a waste?

01:18:52.560 --> 01:18:58.400
Regardless, I think the most important
thing is to have respect for each other.

01:18:58.480 --> 01:19:01.040
And that's really hard sometimes.

01:19:11.000 --> 01:19:15.640
[man, in English] Jesus said in
John 17:3... He is praying to his Father.

01:19:15.720 --> 01:19:20.960
He says, "Now this is eternal life,
that they know you,

01:19:21.040 --> 01:19:25.440
the only true God,
and Jesus Christ whom you have sent."

01:19:25.520 --> 01:19:29.760
So, we see the answer.
What is salvation? What is eternal life?

01:19:29.840 --> 01:19:32.120
It's knowing Jesus. It's knowing him.

01:19:32.200 --> 01:19:34.880
I started listening to sermons.

01:19:35.400 --> 01:19:37.040
I'm... I'm...

01:19:38.320 --> 01:19:39.480
[sighs]

01:19:39.560 --> 01:19:44.840
And it feels weird,
and it's strange to tell anybody that,

01:19:44.920 --> 01:19:48.720
because it's like they would...
I feel like I'd be criticized

01:19:48.800 --> 01:19:55.560
for... for going back to...
what made me sick.

01:19:55.640 --> 01:19:59.520
Um, but I've been listening,

01:19:59.600 --> 01:20:02.720
and I've actually been finding comfort

01:20:02.800 --> 01:20:06.480
in... in... in... in listening,

01:20:06.560 --> 01:20:09.000
because I feel like it's all I've got.

01:20:11.080 --> 01:20:12.280
[exhales]

01:20:16.280 --> 01:20:17.280
Yeah.

01:20:19.240 --> 01:20:22.240
It's... It's all I got

01:20:22.320 --> 01:20:27.520
in the sense that people can't relate.

01:20:27.600 --> 01:20:32.120
A lot of people can't relate.
Not to say that they're mean or...

01:20:32.200 --> 01:20:36.280
They're nice people, but it's just...
I feel so alone.

01:20:39.280 --> 01:20:41.280
'Cause I can listen to these preachers,

01:20:41.360 --> 01:20:44.840
and they put it together so well,
and they're comfortable.

01:20:44.920 --> 01:20:50.360
They feel more comfortable in
their own skin than I do in my own skin.

01:20:50.440 --> 01:20:52.280
And I...

01:20:56.760 --> 01:21:01.160
It doesn't seem fair.
It just doesn't seem fair.

01:21:01.240 --> 01:21:04.880
And I don't know
if I should fight harder to say,

01:21:04.960 --> 01:21:07.160
"What you're teaching is screwed-up."

01:21:07.240 --> 01:21:08.280
Um...

01:21:09.720 --> 01:21:14.160
I don't know. It's just this... this...
What's the point?

01:21:14.240 --> 01:21:16.840
What do I do now? Where...

01:21:16.920 --> 01:21:20.680
I've got a good job now
which I'm so thankful for.

01:21:20.760 --> 01:21:26.040
And I wanna say "thankful to God for,"
but it... it's just...

01:21:26.120 --> 01:21:28.320
What's the point?

01:21:28.400 --> 01:21:34.680
I need... I need something
to get me up in the morning. Um...

01:21:36.160 --> 01:21:43.040
And believe it or not, those sermons,
they actually... they help.

01:21:43.120 --> 01:21:44.200
Um...

01:21:46.800 --> 01:21:51.280
Even though it's kind of fucked-up
at the same time,

01:21:51.360 --> 01:21:53.360
which is kind of how I feel.

01:21:53.440 --> 01:21:56.440
[indistinct chatter and laughter]

01:22:03.680 --> 01:22:05.200
Just to be sure.

01:22:10.840 --> 01:22:11.840
OK.

01:22:11.920 --> 01:22:14.920
[light jazz music playing]

01:22:21.000 --> 01:22:22.760
[woman] Aw.

01:22:28.800 --> 01:22:33.280
Miranda, I'm the luckiest person
in the world to be loved by you.

01:22:33.360 --> 01:22:35.520
Sometimes it's the little things
about you that I like,

01:22:35.600 --> 01:22:38.280
like how you try to say hello
to every dog you see.

01:22:38.360 --> 01:22:40.000
[laughter]

01:22:40.080 --> 01:22:42.280
Or sometimes
how I'm doing the laundry,

01:22:42.360 --> 01:22:44.360
and I find candy wrappers
in your pockets.

01:22:44.440 --> 01:22:45.440
[laughter]

01:22:47.600 --> 01:22:53.720
Most of all, I love how being with you
makes me feel more like myself.

01:22:53.800 --> 01:22:57.360
More than anything else,
I wanna be a family with you.

01:22:58.560 --> 01:23:02.320
Lastly, I promise I'll love you
like you've always loved me:

01:23:02.400 --> 01:23:06.320
fiercely, patiently,
and with reckless abandon,

01:23:06.400 --> 01:23:08.400
for as long as I live.

01:23:09.160 --> 01:23:11.720
-Thank you.
-You may now kiss your bride.

01:23:12.800 --> 01:23:15.800
[cheering]

01:23:19.640 --> 01:23:22.640
[applause]

01:23:23.800 --> 01:23:28.880
Welcome to Elayna Love's
virtual strip club!

01:23:28.960 --> 01:23:30.840
Let's get some lipstick.

01:23:45.000 --> 01:23:48.320
-Whoa. Holy crap.
-[laughs]

01:23:48.400 --> 01:23:51.960
[both squeal]

01:24:52.960 --> 01:24:55.960
[♪ Robbie Basho: "Blue Crystal Fire"]

01:24:59.200 --> 01:25:06.440
♪ Blue crystal fire ♪

01:25:06.520 --> 01:25:13.760
♪ Blue crystal fire ♪

01:25:13.840 --> 01:25:19.240
♪ Burn brightly in me ♪

01:25:19.320 --> 01:25:24.160
♪ Burn brightly in me ♪

01:25:25.160 --> 01:25:29.880
♪ In me, my love ♪

01:25:31.720 --> 01:25:38.760
♪ Smooth singing sunshine ♪

01:25:38.840 --> 01:25:45.720
♪ Smooth singing sunshine ♪

01:25:45.800 --> 01:25:51.040
♪ Wrap your blanket round me ♪

01:25:51.120 --> 01:25:55.840
♪ Wrap your blanket round me ♪

01:25:55.920 --> 01:26:00.680
♪ Round me, my love ♪

01:26:03.560 --> 01:26:09.880
♪ Fast-flowing waterfall ♪

01:26:10.560 --> 01:26:16.920
♪ Fast-flowing waterfall ♪

01:26:17.520 --> 01:26:23.640
♪ Wash my tears away ♪

01:26:23.720 --> 01:26:28.640
♪ Wash my tears away ♪

01:26:29.640 --> 01:26:33.640
♪ Away, my love ♪

01:26:36.280 --> 01:26:42.600
♪ Deep within the forest ♪

01:26:43.440 --> 01:26:49.560
♪ Deep within the forest ♪

01:26:50.520 --> 01:26:55.520
♪ There I wait for you ♪

01:26:55.600 --> 01:26:59.680
♪ There I wait for you ♪

01:27:01.360 --> 01:27:04.000
♪ For you, my love ♪

01:27:04.080 --> 01:27:07.080
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